II.  Ventures  in  Common  Sense 

By  E.  W.  Howe 


UC-NRLF 


THE  FREE-LANCE  BOOKS  *  EDITED  BY  H.  L.  MENCKEN 


BERKELEY 

LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF 
CALIFORNIA 


VENTURES  IN 
COMMON  SENSE 


THE  FREE-LANCE  BOOKS 

Edited  with  Introductions 
BY  H.  L.  MENCKEN 

I    YOUTH  AND  EGOLATRY 

BY  Pio  BAROJA 
Translated  from  the  Spanish  by 
Jacob  S.  Fassett,  Jr. 

H    VENTURES  IN  COMMON  SENSE 

BY  E.  W.  HOWE 

Further  volumes  will  be  published 
early  in  1920  and  each  season  there 
after. 

For  sale  at  all  bookshops 
ALFRED  A.  KNOPF,  PUBLISHER 


THE  FREE  LANCE  BOOKS.  II 

EDITED  WITH  INTRODUCTIONS  BY  H.  L.  MENCKEN 

VENTURES 
IN  COMMON  SENSE 

By  E.  W.  HOWE 


NEW  YORK  ALFRED  •  A  •  KNOPF  MCMXIX 


COPYRIGHT,  1919,  BY 
ALFRED  A.  KNOPF,  INC. 


LOAN  STACK 


PRINTED   IN    THE    UNITED    STATES   OF   AMERICA 


CONTENTS 

INTRODUCTION  BY  H.  L.  MENCKEN,  7 

I  WOMEN,  31 

II  POLITICS,  50 

III  RELIGION,  64 

IV  MAN,  84 

V  THE  POOR,  95 

VI  BUSINESS,  108 

VII  LITERATURE,  118 

VIII  PHILOSOPHY,  128 

IX  NEWSPAPERS,  134 

X  PROFESSORS,  144 

XI  THE  PEOPLE,  152 

XII  FOOLS,  162 

XIII  INDUSTRY,  167 

XIV  LIBERTY,  174 
XV  SENTIMENT,  178 

XVI  CONDUCT,  186 

XVII  WAR,  196 

XVIII  OLD  AGE,  203 


360 


CONTENTS 


XIX  FAME,  209 

XX  CRITICS,  211 

XXI  THRIFT,  214 

XXII  GREATNESS,  219 

XXIII  MATERIALISM,  230 

XXIV  FRIENDSHIP,  233 
XXV  REVOLUTION,  235 

XXVI  SOCIOLOGY,  240 

XXVII  CHILDREN,  242 

XXVIII  PROVINCIALISM,  244 

XXIX  RUMOR,  247 

XXX  SELFISHNESS,  251 

XXXI  ADVERTISING,  254 

XXXII  THE  MISCELLANY  OF  LIFE,  256 


INTRODUCTION 

This  collection  of  aphorisms  and  arguments  is 
made  up  chiefly  of  extracts  from  E.  W.  Howe's 
Monthly,  perhaps  the  most  curious  as  it  is  cer 
tainly  one  of  the  most  entertaining  of  all  the 
25,000  periodicals  now  issuing  in  the  United 
States.  Retiring,  in  1911,  from  the  manage 
ment  of  the  Atchison  (Kansas)  Globe,  a  news 
paper  which,  in  a  quarter  of  a  century, 
he  had  brought  up  from  the  utmost  ob 
scurity  to  great  influence  and  prosperity, 
Howe  established  his  Monthly  in  order  to 
soothe  an  old  journalist's  incurable  itch  to  have 
his  say.  Here,  even  more  than  when  he  edited 
his  daily,  he  had  an  organ  all  his  own,  and  here, 
once  he  got  into  his  stride,  he  began  to  unfold 
a  body  of  ideas  that  gradually  won  him  a  na 
tional  audience.  He  had  been,  of  course,  by  no 
means  unheard  of  before.  Far  back  in  the 
80's  he  had  written  a  novel  that  won  the  praise 
of  W.  D.  Ho  wells,  and  in  the  Globe,  as  I  have 
said,  he  had  wielded  a  good  deal  of  power  in 


INTRODUCTION 


the  Middle  West.  But  in  his  Monthly,  for  the 
first  time,  he  could  throw  off  the  taboos  and 
hesitations  that  lie  upon  even  the  most  independ 
ent  of  daily  papers,  and  the  results  of  this  new 
freedom  were  quickly  visible.  Strangers  very 
far  from  Kansas  and  its  woes  began  to  hear  of 
Howe  and  to  send  in  their  subscriptions,  and  be 
fore  long  the  Monthly  began  to  be  read  in  all 
parts  of  the  country  and  Howe  found  himself  a 
man  of  nation-wide  reputation.  I  doubt  that 
there  is  another  periodical  in  America  which 
shows  so  remarkable  a  subscription  list  to-day. 
The  professorial  mind,  perhaps,  soars  above  it, 
but  among  men  of  practical  affairs  as  opposed 
to  men  of  mere  theories — that  is,  among  bank 
ers,  manufacturers  and  the  heads  of  big  trading 
organizations — it  has  a  truly  amazing  circula 
tion.  Oddly  enough,  it  is  also  very  extensively 
read  by  authors  and  editors,  especially  the  lat 
ter.  I  scarcely  know  of  the  editor  of  a  big  daily, 
indeed,  who  doesn't  glance  at  it  now  and  then, 
and  the  same  thing  is  true  of  the  editors  of  the 
principal  magazines.  What  primarily  attracts 
the  business  men,  of  course,  is  Howe's  persis 
tent  and  often  very  adroit  defense  of  their  much 
maligned  order,  but  what  interests  the  editors  is 
—  8  — 


INTRODUCTION 


the  extraordinary  charm  of  his  naive  and  con 
fidential  manner,  his  quite  exceptional  capacity 
for  putting  the  plain  thoughts  of  a  plain  man 
into  such  English  that  the  professional  eye  im 
mediately  discerns  its  skillfulness  and  delights 
in  its  disarming  persuasiveness. 

Above  all,  what  both  classes  of  readers  recog 
nize  in  him  is  the  rare  quality  of  honesty — a 
quality,  in  fact,  so  seldom  encountered  in 
American  writing  that  it  would  be  stretching  the 
truth  but  little  to  say  that  it  is  never  encountered 
at  all.  Our  Puritan  culture,  as  every  one  knows, 
makes  for  many  laudable  virtues:  enterprise,  in 
dustry,  philoprogenitiveness,  patriotism,  the 
fear  of  God,  a  great  appetite  for  brummagem 
ideals,  a  high  desire  to  be  righteous,  a  noble 
gratitude  for  the  fact  that  we  are  not  as  other 
men  are.  But  one  of  the  things  it  does  not 
make  for  is  that  austere  intellectual  passion 
which  exalts  a  bald  fact  above  comfort,  security 
and  the  revelation  of  God — one  of  the  things  it 
does  not  promote  is  common  truthfulness.  The 
American,  indeed,  always  views  the  truth  a  bit 
suspiciously,  particularly  if  it  be  the  truth  about 
himself  and  his;  he  seems  convinced  that  it  is 

dangerous,    and    perhaps    downright    indecent. 
, 9 


INTRODUCTION 


There  is  in  him  none  of  the  Slav's  habit  of  merci 
less  introspection,  none  of  the  Frenchman's  pene 
trating  realism,  none  of  the  German's  appetite 
for  putting  the  bitter  facts  of  life  into  hair-rais 
ing  axioms.  In  his  philosophizing  he  roams  the 
superficial,  leaping  back  almost  blushingly 
every  time  his  foot  upturns  the  fundamental.  It 
is  words  that  always  fetch  him,  not  realities;  he 
is  the  most  abject  slave  of  mellifluous  and  mean 
ingless  phrases  ever  on  view  in  the  world.  And, 
since  words  and  phrases,  however  lovely,  have 
a  way  of  failing  when  they  are  put  to  the  test, 
he  forces  himself  inevitably  into  a  sort  of  pre 
posterous  dualism.  On  the  one  side  is  the 
moony  philosophy  he  serves  with  the  lip;  on  the 
other  side  is  the  harsh,  realistic,  Philistine  phi 
losophy  he  actually  practices.  On  the  one  side 
is  the  ethic  that  meets  the  national  notion  of 
propriety;  on  the  other  side  is  the  ethic  that 
practically  works.  This  disparity  between 
what  is  publicly  approved  and  what  is  privately 
done  is  at  the  heart  of  the  Anglo-Saxon,  and 
especially  of  the  American  character;  it  sets  our 
people  off  from  nearly  all  other  peoples.  It  is 
the  cause  of  the  astounding  hypocrisy  that  for 
eigners  always  see  in  us,  both  when  we  de- 
—  10  — 


INTRODUCTION 


nounce  them  and  when  we  seek  to  court  them, 
and  it  is  the  cause,  too,  of  our  national  inabil 
ity  to  understand  those  foreigners  and  their  hab 
its  of  mind. 

That  hypocrisy,  to  the  foreign  eye,  bathes  the 
American  scene;  even  the  more  civilized  varieties 
of  Englishmen  are  acutely  conscious  of  it.  We 
posture  as  apostles  of  fair  play,  as  good  sports 
men,  as  professional  knights  errant — and  throw 
beer-bottles  at  the  umpire  when  he  refuses  to 
cheat  for  our  side.  We  bawl  about  the  male- 
factions  of  Big  Business — and  every  man  in  Lit 
tle  Business  is  trying  to  gouge  and  rob  his  way 
into  Big  Business  as  fast  as  he  can.  We  save 
the  black-and-tan  republics  from  their  native 
Bryans,  Roosevelts  and  Burlesons — and  flood 
them  with  "deserving  Democrats"  of  our  own. 
We  deafen  the  world  with  our  whoops  for  lib 
erty — and  submit  to  laws  that  invade  and  de 
stroy  our  most  sacred  rights.  We  profess  a 
personal  virtue  that  would  shame  the  monks  of 
Mount  Athos — and  have  a  higher  crime  rate  than 
Port  Said,  and  more  prostitutes  than  London,  and 
a  more  corrupt  bureaucracy  than  Russia  under 
the  czars.  We  play  policeman  and  Sunday- 
school  superintendent  to  half  of  Christendom — 
—  11  — 


INTRODUCTION 


and  lynch  a  darkey  every  two  days  in  our  own 
back-yard.  Thus  the  curious  dualism  of  the 
land.  No  wonder  foreigners  stand  amazed  be 
fore  the  incredible  contrast  between  our  preten- 
tion  and  our  practice — men  jailed  for  republish- 
ing  parts  of  the  Bible  and  the  Declaration  of 
Independence,  notorious  drunkards  advocating 
prohibition  on  the  floor  of  Congress,  bawdy 
judges  sentencing  men  under  the  Mann  Act,  shy 
ster  lawyers  lifted  into  office  as  reformers,  trust- 
busting  politicians  borrowing  money  from  trust 
magnates,  tax-dodgers  exposing  and  denouncing 
tax-dodgers,  uplifters  picking  the  public  pocket, 
pleureurs  for  democracy  abolishing  democracy, 
men  imprisoned,  knocked  about,  tortured  in  the 
land  of  liberty  for  daring  to  speak  out  for  lib 
erty. 

What  lies  under  all  this,  of  course,  is  easy 
enough  to  see.  The  primary  difficulty  is  that 
the  American  people,  despite  a  century  and  a 
half  of  struggles  for  freedom,  are  still  burdened 
by  a  crushing  heritage  of  Puritanical  pishposh, 
and  that  it  forces  them  into  efforts  to  obey  rules 
of  conduct  which  no  healthy  race  could  actually 
observe  and  survive.  The  secondary  difficulty  is 
to  be  found  in  the  extraordinary  timorousness, 
19  _ 

JL  ^-/ 


INTRODUCTION 


the  pervasive  intellectual  cowardice,  which  Puri 
tanism  carries  with  it.  The  thing  needed  is 
obviously  a  thorough  overhauling  of  the  out 
worn  national  code — perhaps  its  forthright 
abandonment  and  the  formulation  of  an  entirely 
new  one,  closer  to  the  unescapable  facts.  But 
that  is  precisely  what  Americans  seem  least  fitted 
for.  The  impulse  that  revealed  itself  in  a 
Machiavelli,  in  a  Montaigne  and  in  a  Nietzsche, 
and  that  shows  itself  even  to-day,  on  a  lower 
scale,  in  a  Wells  and  a  Shaw,  is  apparently  not 
in  them.  Such  a  man,  rising  among  them, 
would  be  smothered  in  distrust,  and  perhaps 
swiftly  conducted  to  the  calaboose;  there  is  no 
country  in  the  world  in  which  iconoclasm  is 
more  perilous.  Rather  than  grapple  with  the 
fundamental  problem,  the  American  prefers  to 
confine  himself  to  superficialities,  and  what  he 
accomplishes  on  that  plane  is  usually  no  more 
than  a  clumsy  rearrangement  of  the  old  plati 
tudes.  A  glance  at  even  the  most  serious 
American  newspaper  is  sufficient  to  show  how 
shallow  American  thinking  is — how  much  a  mat 
ter  of  mere  formulae,  most  of  them  palpably 
unworkable  and  idiotic.  And  if  that  glance 
were  not  enough,  a  study  of  the  gigantic  liter- 

10 
~   -LtJ  ~ 


INTRODUCTION 


ature  of  "inspiration,"  so  peculiar  to  the  coun 
try,  would  furnish  proof  enough.  That  liter 
ature  is  devoted  ardently  and  fatuously  to  recon 
ciling  the  dualism  I  have  mentioned;  it  seeks  to 
perfume  the  practical  philosophy  of  the  land  by 
finding  justification  for  it  in  the  theoretical 
philosophy;  it  is  a  huge  effort  to  reconcile  the 
"good"  man  and  the  man  who,  Yankee  fashion, 
gets  on  in  the  world.  In  politics  and  govern 
ment  the  clash  is  particularly  visible.  There  is 
no  country  in  which  legislation  directs  itself 
toward  loftier  goals  and  is  more  sharply  flavored 
with  pious  purpose,  and  there  is  no  country  in 
which  the  manner  of  its  enactment  is  more  cor 
rupt  and  dishonest,  or  in  which  there  is  a  larger 
body  of  unenforced  and  unenforceable  laws. 

As  I  say,  no  voice  is  raised  against  this  folly — 
none,  that  is,  save  the  voice  of  the  aforesaid 
E.  W.  Howe.  A  man  thoroughly  American,  a 
man  especially  enmeshed  in  the  Puritanism  that 
is  the  national  curse,  a  Middle  Westerner  of  the 
Middle  Westerners  and  by  no  means  disposed 
to  conceal  it,  he  yet  manages  to  get  the  method 
of  the  free  spirit  into  his  study  of  the  phenomena 
that  lie  about  him,  and  even  into  his  examination 
of  the  thing  that  he  is  himself.  This  is  the  re- 
—  14  — 


INTRODUCTION 


markable  fact  that  sets  him  off  from  the  whole 
vast  herd  of  other  national  sages:  he  is  the  only 
one  who  practices  resolutely  a  relentless  hon 
esty,  sacrificing  every  appearance,  however 
charming,  to  what  he  conceives  to  be  the  truth. 
He  is,  no  doubt,  often  in  error;  at  times,  indeed, 
he  seems  to  me  to  lift  error  to  the  vigor  of  a 
fine  art  or  a  grand  passion;  but  what  I  always 
get  out  of  him  is  the  feeling  that,  right  or  wrong, 
he  is  at  least  absolutely  honest — that  this  is  pre 
cisely  how  the  thing  appears  to  one  frank  and 
shrewd  and  highly  reflective  man.  There  is 
never  any  soughing  of  wind-blown  theory  in  him; 
one  never  finds  him  arguing  for  a  doctrine  on 
the  familiar  ground  that  it  is  comforting.  If 
he  speaks  for  it,  he  is  sincerely  in  favor  of  it  be 
cause  he  has  examined  it,  tested  it,  revolved  it  in 
his  mind,  slept  over  it,  looked  inside  it — and 
when  he  is  thus  in  favor  of  it,  I  have  a  convic 
tion  that  the  overwhelming  majority  of  other  re 
flective,  worldly-wise,  sharply  observant  Ameri 
cans  are  also  in  favor  of  it — that  his  voice,  in 
a  very  real  sense,  is  the  voice  of  the  better  sort 
of  American  people.  Not,  of  course,  of  the 
American  mob,  nor  of  the  tarlatan  seers  that 
ravish  and  soothe  that  mob.  The  American  he 
—  15  — 


INTRODUCTION 


represents  is  of  a  quite  different  sort — the  man 
who  discerns  the  eternal  realities  in  the  mass  of 
rumble-bumble,  but  is  still  a  bit  too  timorous  to 
be  articulate.  Howe  is  that  man  with  his 
timorousness  thrown  off.  He  has  found  that, 
for  all  the  barbaric  taboos,  there  is  yet  an  audi 
ence  that  likes  to  hear  things  discussed  frankly, 
and  to  find  its  secret  notions  put  into  plain 
words — and  he  has  learned,  first  among  Middle 
Americans,  that  there  is  a  lot  of  fun  to  be  got 
out  of  addressing  that  audience — that  icono- 
clasm,  whatever  its  perils,  is  at  least  one  of  the 
most  gallant  and  stimulating  of  sports. 

Perhaps  iconoclasm  is  not  quite  the  right  word. 
There  is  surely  nothing  in  the  doctrine  of  Howe 
that  is  very  startling;  what  joy  the  man  of 
meditative  habit  gets  out  of  it,  barring  occasional 
delight  in  its  broad,  rustic  humors,  must  be 
mainly  the  joy  of  simple  recognition.  It  is  all, 
considering  it  a  moment,  obvious  enough;  some 
of  it  is  downright  platitude.  But  nevertheless  it 
is  platitude  of  a  special  sort — the  platitude,  to 
wit,  of  fact,  not  of  mere  maudlin  fancy.  It 
stands  diametrically  opposed  to  the  mush  that 
passes  so  widely  for  the  national  philosophy;  it 
is  in  direct  opposition  to  all  the  current  presump- 
—  16  — 


INTRODUCTION 


tions  in  politics,  government  and  daily  life;  it 
flings  itself  violently  at  all  of  the  prevailing 
false  attitudes.  And  particularly  at  the  false 
attitude  of  altruism,  the  bombastic  bosh  of  what 
is  called  Service.  Howe  has  no  belief  in  this 
Service,  now  gobbled  so  raucously  and  by  such 
palpable  frauds.  He  believes  in  intelligent 
self-interest,  and  guesses,  probably  correctly, 
that  self-interest  is  what  actually  rules  even  the 
loudest  of  the  prophets  of  altruism,  in  politics, 
in  the  professions,  in  business,  in  government 
and  in  all  the  large  affairs  of  the  world.  A 
sardonic  fellow,  he  views  the  effervescence  of 
contrary  pretension  with  a  patient  irony,  now 
and  again  letting  fling  with  a  dart.  What  he 
says  is  often  simple  enough — the  obvious  boiled 
down  to  its  elementals — but  he  gets  into  it  a  sly 
wit  that  is  a  hundred  times  as  effective  as  the 
most  elaborate  of  controversions,  and  he  gets  into 
it  a  variety  of  honesty  tha*t  is  all  but  unheard  of 
on  the  other  side. 

One  day,  seeking  to  introduce  him  to  the  read 
ers  of  a  magazine,  I  tried  to  put  his  general 
point  of  view  into  half  a  dozen  plain  proposi 
tions.  This  is  whfat  it  came  to: 

1.  The  only  real  human  motive  is  intelligent  self- 
—  17  — 


INTRODUCTION 


interest;  altruism  is  not  only  bogus,  but  impossible. 

2.  The   first   object   of   self-interest   is  to   survive. 
The  possession  of  money  makes  it  easier  to  survive. 
Ergo,  it  is  virtuous  to  get  money. 

3.  A  man  who  gets  it  is  a  better  citizen  than  one 
who  doesn't;  what  he  does  for  himself  also  benefits 
the  community  in  general. 

4.  The  aim  of  all  reformers  is  to  get  something 
for  themselves.     They  pretend  that  it  isn't;    hence, 
even  when  they  chance  to  serve  good  causes,  they  are 
liars. 

5.  Any   American   of   average  talents   and   decent 
industry  can  get  enough  money,  barring  acts  of  God, 
to  make  himself  comfortable. 

6.  Any  man  who  fails  to  do  so  shows  an  unfit- 
ness  to  survive,  and  deserves  to  be  exploited  by  his 
betters. 

7.  The  people  have  a  remedy  for  all  public  abuses 
in  their  hands.     If  they  fail  to  get  relief,  then  the 
blame  lies  wholly  upon  their   own   credulity,  emo 
tionalism  and  imbecility. 

So  in  brief.  The  thing,  of  course,  is  not 
quite  so  simple  as  that.  Howe  covers  too  wide 
a  field  to  allow  one  to  get  him  into  a  heptalogue. 
For  one  thing,  he  is  too  thoroughly  an  American, 
despite  his  chronic  non-conformity,  ever  to  stand 
free  of  certain  of  the  fundamental  national  de 
lusions.  They  creep  upon  him  unawares,  con- 
—  18  — 


INTRODUCTION 


quering  him  in  strange  guises.  By  the  route  of 
his  austere  rule  of  life  he  arrives  back  at  a 
Puritanism  that  is  sometimes  indistinguishable 
from  the  general  Puritanism  of  the  land.  The 
view  of  life  as  pure  spectacle  is  quite  beyond 
him.  One  observes  him  trying  to  attain  to  it, 
and  always  failing.  Here  the  dualism  that  I 
have  spoken  of  claims  him  in  the  end;  he  is  an 
extraordinary  Kansan,  but  still  a  Kansan,  and 
hence  not  unrelated  to  the  William  Allen  Whites. 
Thus  he  can  see  alcohol  only  as  a  viper;  its 
uses  for  the  tempering  and  romantization  of  life 
are  incomprehensible  to  him.  And  thus  he  can 
see  literature  only  as  a  feeble  shadow  of 
reality — worse,  a  false  shadow.  And  thus  he 
finds  it  impossible  to  rid  himself  of  the  notions 
that  women  who  smoke  should  be  registered  by 
the  police,  that  adultery  is  a  mere  matter  of 
animal  passion,  that  Ayers  Almanac  is  safer, 
saner  reading  than  "Marius  the  Epicurean,"  that 
such  a  man  as  Brahms  is  of  less  value  to  the 
world  than  a  country  banker,  and  that  a  ten-acre 
field  of  alfalfa  is  worth  all  the  fugues  and  sonnets 
ever  written.  On  the  aesthetic  side,  the  Puritan 
is  born  deaf,  dumb  and  blind;  it  is  vain  to  ex 
pect  him  to  develop  his  senses  in  the  span  of  one 
—  19  — 


INTRODUCTION 


life-time.  Howe  probably  goes  as  far  as  it  is 
reasonable  to  expect.  Poetry  remains  too  much 
for  him,  but  he  makes  certain  concessions  to  the 
finer  sort  of  prose,  and  at  times  even  differen 
tiates  manner  from  matter,  the  work  of  art  from 
the  document.  In  music  he  inhabits  a  sort  of 
Bad  Lands.  Here  his  nascent  likes  are  quite  as 
revelatory  as  his  avoidances:  somewhere  or 
other  he  nominates  "Siegfried"  and  "Lucia  di 
Lammermoor"  as  the  greatest  of  operas! 

But  it  is  not  as  a  critic  of  the  arts  that  he 
must  stand  or  fall,  but  as  an  interpreter  of  the 
thought  that  goes  on  behind  the  curtain  in 
America — the  thought  of  plain  men  who  begin 
to  rebel  against  the  prevailing  buncombe,  and  to 
grope  clumsily  toward  a  sounder  and  franker 
dealing  with  the  national  problems.  It  seems  to 
me  that  Howe  speaks  for  such  men  better  than 
any  other — that  he  is,  in  more  fields  than  one, 
almost  the  only  spokesman  they  have.  Under 
cover  of  his  bucolic  jocosity,  he  shows  their  ris 
ing  suspicion  of  the  shibboleths  that  have  served 
the  mob  so  long,  and  their  growing  discontent 
with  the  mountebanks  who  monopolize  the  po 
litical  arena,  and  their  slow,  uncertain,  still 
somewhat  timid  movement  toward  a  saner  and 
—  20  — 


INTRODUCTION 


more  candid  ethic,  not  brought  romantically  out 
of  books,  but  deduced  realistically  from  the  facts 
of  life  as  men  must  live  it  in  the  world.  If,  as 
I  believe,  such  a  fermentation  of  ideas  is  going 
on  in  camera — if  the  plain  American  of  the 
more  reflective  sort  is  beginning  to  overhaul 
some  of  his  primary  assumptions  and  to  look  at 
the  feet  of  his  ancient  gods — then  one  may 
plainly  see,  in  the  scoutings  and  forays  of  Howe, 
the  direction  that  the  main  attack,  when  it  comes, 
will  probably  take.  It  will  hurl  itself,  first  of 
all,  at  the  present  intolerable  debauchment  of 
politics  by  pecksniffian  scoundrels,  each  with  his 
gaudy  phrase,  his  tin-pot  ideal,  his  posture  of 
dedication,  his  incurable  knavery.  And  it  will 
hurl  itself,  secondarily  but  no  less  certainly, 
against  the  cynical  and  degraded  journalism  now 
prevailing.  Howe  speaks  of  journalism  with 
special  authority;  he  has  practiced  the  trade,  in 
one  form  or  another,  all  his  life.  It  is  thus 
curious  to  note  that,  in  all  his  writings  about 
American  newspapers,  he  never  makes  an  as 
sumption  about  them  save  the  assumption  that 
they  are  wholly  without  any  sense  of  responsibil 
ity,  or  of  honesty,  or  of  honor. 

When  I  say  that  he  represents  a  growing  body 
—  21  — 


INTRODUCTION 


of  opinion  among  plain  men,  I  do  not  mean,  I 
repeat,  among  what  politicians  call  the  plain 
people.  There  is,  in  essence,  nothing  demo 
cratic  about  his  doctrines  or  his  sympathies;  he 
is,  in  fact,  thoroughly  anti-democratic  at  bottom, 
though  he  probably  does  not  realize  it.  What  I 
mean  is  that  he  stands  for  the  thought  of  that 
higher  stratum  of  men  who,  starting  from  the 
mass,  have  lifted  themselves  to  a  certain  meas 
ure  of  security,  and  with  it  of  self-respect  and 
dignity,  and  who  have  thus  come  to  view  the 
national  scene  from  a  height  which  gives  them 
some  notion  of  its  true  perspective.  They  are 
men  who  have  risen  to  a  capacity  for  disillusion, 
which  is  the  first  step  toward  a  capacity  for  free 
speculation;  they  are,  in  brief,  what  Howe  is 
himself.  Philistinism  still  hangs  about  them, 
but  it  is  a  Philistinism  beginning  to  be  amelio 
rated  by  a  growing  skepticism,  and,  what  is 
more,  by  a  nascent  idealism  of  a  new  sort.  They 
have  got  beyond  defending  self-interest  as  a 
mere  noxious  necessity;  they  have  begun  to  dis 
cern  its  character  as  a  positive  good  in  the  world, 
a  potent  agent  of  human  progress,  and  as  credi 
table  as  any  other.  To  the  mob  such  men  must 
inevitably  seem  cynical  and  abhorrent,  just  as 
—  22  — 


INTRODUCTION 


they  seem  abhorrent  to  those  classes  that  stand 
above  and  beyond  them.  Howe  himself  has 
tasted  some  of  their  ill-repute.  Once  a  chau- 
tauqua  impresario,  observing  his  growing  cele 
brity  in  the  Middle  West,  conceived  the  notion 
of  putting  him  into  the  rural  chautauquas  as  a 
rival  to  Bryan  and  company.  Howe  fell  in 
with  the  plan,  went  upon  the  stump,  unfolded 
his  ideas  in  all  honesty — and  made  a  flat  and 
magnificent  failure.  The  yokels,  obviously, 
were  not  ready  for  him.  His  doctrines,  so  vio 
lently  at  variance  with  the  mellow  balderdash 
habitually  emptied  upon  them,  struck  them  as 
outrageous,  and  even  as  a  bit  heathenish.  They 
tried  to  laugh,  but  couldn't.  The  chautauqua 
tour  came  to  a  quick  end.  One  might  as  well 
send  a  Nietzsche  to  preach  to  Methodists.  His 
sole  point  of  contact  with  them  was  in  externals. 
He,  too,  was  a  Middle  Westerner.  But  he  was  a 
Middle  Westerner  of  a  decidedly  novel  variety. 
The  present  book,  it  is  needless  to  say,  repre 
sents  him  only  partially.  Save  in  the  case  of 
his  two  tracts,  "The  Blessing  of  Business"  and 
"Success  Easier  Than  Failure,"  he  has  never  put 
his  notions  into  connected  arguments;  he  prefers, 
like  many  a  more  pretentious  sage,  the  greater 


INTRODUCTION 


freedom  of  the  aphorism.  One  must  thus  read 
him  pretty  steadily  to  cover  the  whole  range  of 
his  ideas,  and  this,  of  course,  may  be  best  done 
in  the  Monthly.  But  what  is  here  offered,  if  it 
does  not  present  him  either  coherently  or  ex 
haustively,  nevertheless  gives  fair  specimens  of 
both  his  matter  and  his  manner.  The  thing  that 
is  most  salient  about  his  writing  is  its  disarming 
simplicity — its  appearance  of  casualness  and 
even  of  carelessness.  It  is,  in  fact,  nothing  of 
the  sort.  To  write  in  that  way  is  an  art  like 
another,  and  by  no  means  as  easy  as  it  looks. 
I  daresay  he  finds  it  difficult  enough  at  times, 
and  sweats  over  a  phrase  as  painfully  as  Walter 
Pater.  Nor  is  the  doctrine  all  mere  obviousness. 
What  it  represents  is  the  laborious  disentangle 
ment  of  the  fact  from  the  web  of  appearance, 
and  that  business  is  probably  just  as  arduous 
upon  the  homely  plane  of  practical  philosophy 
as  it  is  in  the  highest  reaches  of  epistemology. 
Here  the  man  must  be  considered  as  well  as  the 
bald  idea.  The  salient  thing  is  not  that  such 
notions  should  be  reached  and  voiced  in  the 
world,  but  that  they  should  be  reached  and 
voiced  by  a  Middle  American  on  his  native 
heath,  and  that  they  should  be  broken  to  his 
—  24  — 


INTRODUCTION 


native  ways  of  speech,  and  that  they  should  win 
such  a  wide  and  warm  response. 

Edgar  Watson  Howe  was  born  in  Indiana  in 
1854  and  got  his  schooling  in  Missouri.  He  be 
came  a  printer  at  twelve  years,  married  at 
twenty,  and  was  editor  and  proprietor  of  a 
country  weekly  before  he  could  vote.  He  be 
came  owner  of  the  Atchison  Globe  in  1877,  and 
conducted  it  for  thirty-four  years.  When  he 
began  there  were  two  other  daily  papers  in  Atch 
ison,  and  one  of  them  was  edited  by  a  popular 
war  veteran  who  afterward  became  Governor  of 
Kansas.  But  Howe  gradually  wore  down  all 
this  opposition,  and  the  opposition  of  rivals  that 
were  set  up  later  on,  and  to-day  the  Globe  is  the 
only  newspaper,  daily  or  weekly,  in  the  town. 
When  he  retired,  in  1911,  his  profits  ran  to 
$25,000  a  year,  a  very  large  sum  in  small-town 
journalism.  He  got  out  because  he  tired  of  the 
blazing  eminence  that  belongs  to  a  country 
editor.  Every  visitor  to  Atchison  came  to  see 
him;  every  Atchisonian  pursued  him  with  re 
quests  and  blandishments;  the  very  darkeys  on 
the  street  stopped  him  to  gossip.  So  he  made 
over  his  paper  to  his  two  sons,  and  started  off 
upon  a  trip  around  the  world.  He  has  since 
—  25  — 


INTRODUCTION 


made  another,  and  has  traveled  extensively  in 
other  directions.  His  accounts  of  his  journeys, 
chiefly  written  for  the  Globe,  have  appeared  in 
four  books  of  travel:  "Paris  and  the  Exposition," 
"Daily  Notes  of  a  Trip  Around  the  World," 
"The  Trip  to  the  West  Indies"  and  "Travel  Let- 
ters  from  New  Zealand,  Australia  and  Africa." 
I  know  of  nothing  quite  like  these  volumes. 
They  are  amazingly  garrulous  and  amazingly  in 
teresting.  One  starts  to  read  idly,  and  then 
reads  on  and  on.  All  of  the  things  one  cus 
tomarily  finds  in  travel  books  are  missing,  and 
all  of  the  odd  and  intimate  facts  one  is  curi 
ous  about  are  there — how  one  takes  a  bath  in 
India,  what  the  hotel  tips  are  in  New  Zealand, 
the  cost  of  a  shirt  in  Cairo,  the  nature  of  the 
table-talk  on  an  African  coaster,  all  the  queer 
stuff  that  other  travelers  omit. 

There  are  nearly  a  dozen  other  Howe  books. 
Two  of  the  tracts  I  have  mentioned,  and  also  the 
novel,  "The  Story  of  a  Country  Town."  A  very 
characteristic  volume,  but  representing  the  Howe 
of  the  Globe  days  rather  than  the  Howe  of  to 
day,  is  "Country  Town  Sayings,"  a  collection 
of  almost  two  thousand  apothegms,  most  of  them 
humorous  and  all  of  them  extremely  entertain- 
—  26  — 


INTRODUCTION 


ing.  They  have  been  plagiarized  enormously, 
and  some  of  them  have  passed  into  American 
proverb.  Then  there  are  two  volumes  of  lay 
sermons,  and  a  number  of  other  works  of  fiction: 
"A  Moonlight  Boy,"  "The  Mystery  of  the 
Locks,"  "A  Man  Story,"  "An  Ante-Mortem 
Statement,"  "The  Confessions  of  John  Whit- 
lock,"  and  "The  Hundred  Stories  of  a  Country 
Town."  The  long  novel,  "The  Story  of  a 
Country  Town,"  was  greatly  praised,  as  I 
have  said,  by  William  Dean  Howells,  and 
is  still  read  after  thirty  years.  A  bit 
old-fashioned  in  structure  and  often  marred 
by  sentimentality,  it  is  made  remarkable 
by  an  extraordinarily  brilliant  picture  of  a  Mid 
dle  Western  Puritan  of  the  last  generation — per 
haps  the  most  vivid  portrait  of  the  sort  in  our 
literature.  In  many  other  ways,  indeed,  the 
book  shows  a  very  high  sort  of  skill.  Its  people 
are  real,  its  background  is  sketched  with  sure 
strokes,  and  it  moves  and  breathes  from  cover 
to  cover. 

The  Monthly  was  started  in  1911,  and  is  still 

issued  from  Atchison.     It  began  as  a  magazine 

of  conventional  form,  but  is  now  printed  upon  a 

newspaper  press  and  resembles  four  pages  of  an 

—  27  — 


INTRODUCTION 


ordinary  newspaper.  The  paper,  once  bril 
liantly  pink,  has  been  fading  of  late,  and  is  now 
of  a  faint  salmon  hue.  The  editor  writes  the 
whole  contents,  barring  an  occasional  reprint. 
For  a  number  of  years  the  subscription  price  was 
ten  cents  a  year,  and  he  offered  to  return  the 
money  of  any  subscriber  who  was  dissatisfied. 
Now  the  price  is  twenty-five  cents.  It  is  curious 
that  this  cheapest  of  all  American  periodicals  is 
chiefly  read  by  well-to-do  men;  I  daresay  that  an 
increase  in  the  subscription  to  five  dollars  a 
year  would  not  materially  reduce  the  circula 
tion.  Reading  it  is  a  habit  that  becomes  insid 
ious  and  unbreakable.  In  its  ten  cent  days  I 
once  subscribed  for  ten  friends  of  the  most 
varied  sort — among  them,  a  British  Civil  Ser 
vant,  a  dramatic  critic,  a  very  well-known 
American  novelist,  a  pathologist,  the  editor  of  a 
large  daily  paper  and  a  musical  composer.  All 
of  them  have  read  it  ever  since.  More,  they 
constantly  talk  of  it;  it  seems  to  interest  them 
more  than  any  other  periodical  that  they  read; 
they  are  all  eager  to  meet  the  editor.  A  great 
many  other  readers  seem  to  have  the  same  de 
sire,  for  the  Howe  home  at  Potato  Hill  Farm, 
three  miles  below  Atchison,  is  already  a  place  of 
—  28  — 


INTRODUCTION 


pilgrimage.  There,  for  eight  months  of  the 
year,  the  composition  of  the  Monthly  goes  on. 
Then,  for  the  winter,  it  is  transferred  to  Florida. 

H.  L.  MENCKEN. 


—  29  — 


I 

WOMEN 

1. 

I  dislike  a  bad  egg,  but  that  is  no  reason  I 
should  dislike  a  good  one.  There  are  foolish, 
bold  and  useless  women,  and  I  have  a  right  to 
say  I  like  sensible,  modest,  useful  women  better. 

2. 

Women  are  gentler  than  men;  they  are  more 
patient,  but  not  so  fair.  The  fairest  human 
being  is  an  old  man  who,  beginning  with  good 
intelligence,  has  fortified  it  with  experience, 
education  and  age.  Women  have  more  preju 
dices  than  men;  they  cannot  see  the  truth  so 
quickly.  If  women  ruled  the  world  as  unques 
tionably  as '  men  do,  I  very  much  doubt  that 
they  would  be  as  fair  to  men  as  men  are  to 
women.  The  men  have  always  controlled  the 
courts,  the  armies,  and  every  other  element  of 
strength;  yet  women  have  every  right  they  should 
have.  Men  have  made  severe  laws  punishing 
—  31  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

themselves  for  offenses  against  women,  and  en 
force  them.  In  every  case  where  women  are 
tried  before  male  juries,  the  women  get  the 
best  of  it. 

3. 

Much  is  heard  of  the  patient  devotion  to  duty 
of  women.  It  is  wonderful,  but  not  so  wonder 
ful  as  the  devotion  of  men  to  duty.  Women 
are  complimented  most  frequently  because  of 
their  devotion  as  mothers.  This  is  natural;  I 
have  seen  a  wild,  timid  quail  flutter  about  a 
dreadful  man  to  distract  his  attention  from  its 
young.  It  was  the  mother  quail;  Bob  White 
had  flown  away  at  the  first  alarm.  Among  the 
lower  animals,  there  is  little  natural  instinct 
among  the  males  for  the  young.  But  probably 
seven  men  out  of  ten  show  a  devotion  to  their 
home  and  their  children  that  will,  I  hope,  finally 
attract  admiration. 

4. 

Women  are  more  chaste  than  men  because 
lack  of  chastity  is  less  dangerous  for  men  than 
for  women.  The  strongest  motive  back  of  every 
safe,  sane  and  respectable  man  and  woman  is 
not  principle,  but  selfishness. 
—  32  — 


WOMEN 


5. 

Shiftless  women  are  not  punished  as  promptly 
as  shiftless  men;  I  know  plenty  of  shiftless 
women  who  are  "getting  along"  well,  but  I  do 
not  believe  I  know  a  single  shiftless  man  who  is 
at  all  prosperous. 

6. 

There  is  one  class  of  men  who  need  help, 
and  never  get  it:  the  men  who  have  worthless 
women  folks.  And  after  giving  gallantry  its 
due,  we  must  all  admit  that  there  are  millions 
of  wives  and  daughters  who  are  not  doing  their 
share  in  meeting  the  family  burdens.  Those 
of  us  who  have  good  women  folks  should  help 
our  unfortunate  brethren,  when  help  is  possible. 

7. 

For  a  man  to  let  a  woman  impose  on  him, 
and  make  a  fool  of  him,  is  not  gallantry;  it  is 
folly.  If  a  strong  man  is  able  to  control  a 
woman  who  is  in  the  wrong,  it  is  his  duty  to  do  it. 

8. 

The  man  who  can  call  women  angels  in  a  new 
way  succeeds  best  in  love  and  literature. 
—  33  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

9. 

Of  those  in  the  leisure  class  most  objection 
able  to  plain  people,  women  are  the  worst  of 
fenders.  Rich  men  have  usually  come  up  from 
poverty,  and  know  the  value  of  the  workers;  but 
their  wives  and  daughters  are  usually  true  aris 
tocrats,  and  insolent.  If  such  men  would  regu 
late  their  women  folks  better,  they  would  get 
rid  of  much  of  the  dangerous  prejudice  against 
them. 

10. 

A  man  may  go  to  hell,  and,  after  looking 
around,  back  out  of  it,  and  make  another  start, 
but  a  woman  can't  do  it;  when  she  goes  to  the 
devil,  the  devil  knows  a  lot  about  her,  and  tells, 
and  people  won't  forgive  her.  There  are  so 
many  mean  men  that  people  can't  keep  track  of 
all  of  them,  but  the  people  make  a  pretty  good 
stagger  at  keeping  track  of  all  the  foolish  women. 

11. 

I  sometimes  fear  that  in  one  respect  the  ladies 

— God  bless  them — in  trying  to  get  a  place  in 

the  sun,  and  their  rights,  are  asking  too  much. 

Shall  we  be  compelled  to  fight  them  finally?     I 

—  34  — 


WOMEN 


should  very  much  dislike  to  be  drafted,  have  a 
musket  placed  in  my  hands  by  an  officer,  and 
ordered  to  fire  on  them. 

12. 

I  suppose  there  is  no  man  who  does  not  occa 
sionally  admit  to  himself,  when  he  thinks  can 
didly,  that  women  very  frequently  make  a  fool 
of  him,  because  of  his  big  talk  about  Gallantry. 

13. 

I  know  what  women  expect,  and  give  it  to 
them  without  disagreeable  argument;  they'll  get 
it,  anyway. 

14. 

I  admire  women  greatly,  but  I  could  go  before 
the  judge  and  convict  some  of  them  of  insanity 
solely  on  the  evidence  of  their  Literary  and  Art 
clubs. 

15. 

A  girl  has  big  feelings  at  sixteen  that  she 
never  recovers  from.  She  is  a  queen  in  her 
own  home  and  neighborhood,  and  attributes  her 
undisputed  reign  to  superiority  instead  of  to 
youth  and  physical  beauty.  A  boy  blushes 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

when  he  remembers  the  days  when  he  was  fifteen 
to  seventeen,  but  it  is  the  glory  of  every  woman's 
recollection.  There  are  millions  of  uninterest 
ing  women  who  believe  in  their  superiority  be 
cause  of  the  attention  paid  them  when  they  were 
girls.  If  they  are  missionaries,  or  Christian 
Scientists,  or  settlement  workers,  or  singers: 
whatever  their  specialty  may  be,  they  are  able 
to  feel  "above  you"  because  of  their  lost  youth; 
they  can  show  pity  for  your  inferiority  when 
they  should  admit  their  own.  Men  are  rarely 
able  to  do  it,  but  women  always  can. 

16. 

Our  standards  are  undoubtedly  changing:  bad 
women  do  not  go  to  hell  as  quickly  as  formerly; 
they  hang  around  and  make  trouble  longer. 

17. 

There  never  was  a  successful  man  of  whom 
it  was  not  said:  "His  wife  (or  mother)  made 
him."  You  may  think  this  is  gallantry.  It 
isn't;  it  is  the  meanness  of  the  man's  rivals. 

18. 

The  love  stories  please  the  women,  but  scare 
the  men. 

—  36  — 


WOMEN 


19. 

The  spring  campaign  conducted  by  the  dry 
goods  men,  the  milliners  and  dressmakers  to 
fool  the  women  is  nearly  as  ridiculous  as  the 
fall  campaign  conducted  by  the  politicians  to 
fool  the  men.  Last  spring,  the  feathers  on 
women's  hats  stuck  straight  out;  this  spring, 
they  stick  straight  up.  This  change  was  all  the 
experts  in  Paris  were  able  to  do  for  the  women 
during  the  winter.  Doesn't  it  somehow  remind 
you  of  what  the  Statesmen  at  Washington  did 
for  the  men  last  winter? 

20. 

I  will  join  any  movement  that  will  benefit 
women,  as  I  will  join  any  movement  to  benefit 
mankind  generally,  but  I'll  march  in  no  Suffra 
gette  parade,  and  hear  the  men  and  boys  along 
the  sidewalk  call  me  Sister. 

21. 

Frequently  you  meet  a  man  who  has  no  busi 
ness  among  women.  He  can't  take  care  of  him 
self  when  with  them,  and  should  have  a  guardian 
to  watch  his  movements  when  not  at  work  or 
asleep. 

—  37  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

22. 

The  first  lesson  taught  women  is  to  preserve 
the  dignity  of  their  persons;  the  first  lesson  to 
men  is  industry,  politeness,  fairness,  temper 
ance;  and  the  first  lesson  to  women  is  no  more 
vital  to  women  than  is  the  first  lesson  to  men. 
Both  rules  were  made  by  parents,  who  had  tried 
them  out;  the  rules  have  been  handed  down 
century  after  century.  Accept  them,  or  be 
damned. 

23. 

A  woman  is  greatly  admired,  and  no  one  is 
disappointed  if  she  does  not  write  great  books 
or  plays,  or  found  a  successful  business.  But 
it  is  different  with  a  man.  He  is  expected  to 
become  president  of  a  national  bank  with  a  large 
surplus  and  large  undivided  profits.  His  wife 
wonders  that  he  is  not  called  upon  to  run  for 
Congress;  and,  after  a  few  years  of  active  work 
for  the  People,  accept  the  presidency,  when  she 
will  be  mistress  of  the  White  House,  and  have 
her  picture  in  all  the  papers,  in  connection  with 
statements  that  she  "made"  her  husband.  All 
these  things  seem  easy,  to  a  woman,  but  a  man 
finds  much  strong  opposition  in  accomplishing 
—  38  — 


WOMEN 


them.  So  if  a  man  plugs  along,  and  does  only 
fairly  well,  his  wife  may  conclude,  after  she  has 
given  him  proper  time  to  realize  his  Ambitions, 
that  she  married  the  Wrong  Man. 

24. 

Your  loved  ones  have  a  way  of  getting  word 
to  you  about  your  duty  to  them.  When  my 
daughter  was  married,  the  women  managed, 
through  the  Free  Masonry  which  exists  among 
them,  to  tell  me  exactly  what  she  would  require 
in  the  way  of  an  "outfit";  what  must  be  hand 
made,  what  purchased  at  the  home  stores,  and 
what  purchased  in  a  large  city.  If  you  call 
women  weak,  it  is  because  you  don't  know  them. 

25. 

A  good  many  women  are  taking  an  interest 
in  politics,  club  work,  etc.,  but  may  I  express 
thankfulness,  without  taking  any  part  in  the 
controversy,  that  a  much  larger  number  of 
women  are  not?  I  am  glad  that  a  large  ma 
jority  of  the  women  still  manage  to  get  their 
rights  by  means  of  the  good  old-fashioned 
diplomacy  they  know  about,  and  without  a  riot. 
—  39  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

26. 

If  you  are  a  failure,  your  wife  knows  the 
Trusts  didn't  do  it;  she  knows  you  have  the 
same  opportunities  other  men  enjoy,  and  do 
not  take  advantage  of  them. 

27. 

We  seldom  hear  the  fact  mentioned  that  Cath 
erine  II,  of  Russia,  spent  one  hundred  million 
dollars  on  her  lovers.  The  worst  story  about 
Louis  XV  is  that  he  spent  a  beggarly  thirty 
million  dollars  on  his  mistresses.  Catherine  II 
dismissed  one  favorite  after  another,  like  a  king, 
but  one  man,  Potemkin,  ruled  her  for  sixteen 
years.  History  says  Potemkin  "eclipsed  all 
others  by  the  extraordinary  union  of  qualities 
most  requisite  for  success  in  Russia:  beauty, 
daring,  extravagance,  ambition."  ...  I  should 
like  to  see  a  beautiful  man;  but  Potemkin  had 
other  qualities,  including  tact.  When  he  saw 
that  Catherine  was  tiring  of  his  beauty,  and  that 
he  was  growing  old,  he  supplied  her  with  other 
favorites,  and  was  thus  able  to  rule  her.  Think 
of  a  woman  maintaining  a  House  of  Pleasure, 
and  employing  a  man  to  seek  out  beautiful  males 
for  her  amusement! 

—  40  — 


WOMEN 


28. 

A  woman  often  pretends  to  be  fooled  when 
she  is  not.  When  she  marries  a  worthless  little 
man,  she  doesn't  actually  think  he  is  a  wonder: 
she  expresses  "confidence"  in  him,  in  the  hope 
that  it  may  do  him  good;  but  she  knows,  and  is 
willing  to  take  a  chance  with  him.  When  a 
man  marries,  he  thinks  his  wife  is  three  or  four 
times  better  than  she  really  is;  but  men  are 
abused  so  much  that  they  often  turn  out  better 
than  wives  expect  them  to.  Men  are  a  pitiful 
lot  of  dmmps  about  women;  but  women  know 
the  men. 

29. 

Too  many  people  have  a  nation  that  if  they 
make  a  mistake  in  marriage,  they  can  get  relief 
in  the  divorce  court.  Divorce  is  like  a  second 
marriage:  it  is  legal,  but  there  are  features  about 
it  that  are  uncomfortable.  The  best  way  is  an 
old-fashioned  "good  match,"  a  good  family, 
and  a  good  home. 

30. 

Every  man  is  a  natural  polygamist,  but  po 
lygamy  was  given  up  because  it  was  not  best  for 
—  41  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

the  men;  don't  suppose  for  a  moment  that  po 
lygamy  was  abandoned  because  it  was  opposed 
to  the  best  interests  of  women.  For  a  time 
man  tried  free  love,  but  the  free  love  notion 
was  soon  whipped  out  of  him.  Temporarily 
it  was  very  pleasant  to  steal  the  women  of  other 
men,  but  he  soon  discovered  that  such  a  rule 
meant  that  his  women  might  be  stolen.  The 
system  resulted  in  many  fights,  in  which  he  was 
often  injured  and  whipped.  A  man  married  a 
wife  and  cares  for  her,  not  because  he  is  a 
Gentleman,  but  because  men,  after  long  experi 
ence,  have  discovered  that  marriage  is  the  best 
plan.  Early  man  discovered  that  marriage  was 
better  than  promiscuous  mingling  of  the  sexes, 
but  for  a  long  time  he  had  several  wivds,  who 
did  his  work;  they  were  his  slaves,  as  well  as 
the  mothers  of  his  children.  But  his  wives,  al 
though  slaves,  made  him  so  uncomfortable  with 
their  bickerings  that  he  was  finally  willing  to 
get  rid  of  all  but  one,  and  go  to  work  himself. 

31. 

A  Frenchman  complains  that  our  American 
women  are  cold.     It  is  our  proudest  boast  that 
they  are  not  as  loving  as  French  women.     This 
—  42  — 


WOMEN 


foreign  person  also  says  there  is  not  a  single 
famous  American  love  affair  in  literature.  And 
again  we  are  grateful.  There  are  plenty  of 
ardent  love*  affairs  in  America :  our  cold  women 
are  warm  enough  in  honest  love  affairs. 

32. 

The  notion  is  growing  among  men  that  they 
would  rather  be  bachelors  than  be  made  fools 
of  by  women.  And  in  no  country  in  the  world 
are  women  encouraged  in  fooling  the  men  as  they 
are  in  thik. 

33. 

If  a  man  has  no  influence  on  his  wife  he  is 
a  poor  stick.  We  talk  a  lot  about  a  woman 
influencing  her  husband,  and  making  a  man  of 
him,  but  no  man  ever  made  a  success  of  marr 
riage  and  of  life  who  didn't  influence  his  wife 
and  control  her.  That's  the  law;  a  henpecked 
man  is  a  violation  of  law. 

34. 

Every  man  has  remarked  the  difference  in 
the  love  of  a  wife  and  a  sweetheart.     Love  is 
—  43  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

not  famous  because  of  the  love  of  wives  for 
husbands. 

35. 

Why  not  cut  the  word  "obey"  out  of  the  mar 
riage  ceremony?  The  best  women  pay  no  atten 
tion  whatever  to  the  promise,  and  the  agitators 
make  themselves  disagreeable  screaming  about 
the  word. 

36. 

The  worst  luck  a  woman  ever  has  is  her  father, 
unless  it's  her  husband. 


37. 

While  I  believe  a  man  always  gets  what  is 
coming  to  him,  good  or  bad,  it  frequently  hap 
pens  that  good  and  worthy  women  are  buried 
alive. 

38. 

After  a  woman  has  looked  at  a  man  three  or 
four  times,  she  notices  something  about  him  that 
should  be  changed;  and,  after  an  acquaintance 
of  a  few  weeks,  she  will  suggest  that  the  change 
be  made. 

—  44  — 


WOMEN 


39. 

Increase  in  marriages  rests  with  the  men: 
every  single  woman  in  the  world  would  be  mar 
ried  off  in  a  month  if  proper  proposals  were 
made  to  her.  But  thousands  of  men  capable  of 
supporting  families  are  hesitating  about  marriage 
because  of  the  growing  extravagance  of  wo 
men.  There  is  a  type  of  woman  universally  re 
spected;  there  is  a  type  universally  disliked. 
Increase  the  first  class,  and  marriages  will  in 
crease  in  proportion.  The  best  marriage  mis 
sionary  is  the  wife  who  pleases  a  husband  so  well 
that  he  boasts  about  her,  and  invites  his  bachelor 
friends  to  his  home  to  see  how  fortunate  he  is. 
To  be  mated  is  man's  natural  condition; 
when  he  balks  at  mating,  some  one  has  scared 
him. 

40. 

Women  are  forever  saying  they  Expected  So 
Much  of  their  husbands,  and  that  their  disillu 
sion  was  therefore  Cruel.  As  a  matter  of  fact, 
women  say  that  as  a  means  of  Influencing  Their 
Husbands  for  Good.  Every  bride  has  a  father, 
and  she  has  lived  around  him  long  enough  to 
know  a  good  deal  about  him.  She  hopes  her 
—  45  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

husband  will  be  different,  but  she  has  heard 
other  women  talk  enough  to  cause  her  to  suspect 
that  he  won't  be.  Girls  are  not  as  afraid  of  men 
and  mice  as  they  pretend.  We  know  as  much 
about  marrying  as  we  know  about  life;  there  is 
no  excuse  to  be  disappointed  about  either. 

41. 

When  a  woman  neglects  her  home,  and  en 
gages  in  Charity  and  Uplift  work,  she  has  gone 
to  hell  in  a  Larger  Way. 

42. 

From  the  dawn  of  language,  women  have 
grandly  said  to  men:  "I  should  think  you  would 
be  ashamed  of  yourselves!"  And  the  men  have 
been  ashamed,  although  they  are  more  useful 
than  women,  and  more  reliable  in  the  real  es 
sentials.  Men  are  always  better  liked  than 
women  as  customers  at  stores,  as  guests  at  ho 
tels;  in  all  the  practical  affairs  of  life.  They  are 
easier  regulated,  because  they  have  been 
whipped  more.  And  when  it  comes  to  useful 
ness,  men  lead  by  a  big  majority,  in  spite  of  the 
talk  about  them,  most  of  it  true.  Men  not  only 
lead  in  producing  the  necessities  of  life;  they 
—  46  — 


WOMEN 


lead  as  cooks,  milliners,  dressmakers,  although 
if  women  have  studied  anything,  they  have 
studied  these  things.  Women  give  more  atten 
tion  to  music  than  men,  ten  times  over,  yet  the 
best  fiddlers,  song  writers  and  piano  players  are 
men.  Women  have  more  sentiment  than  men, 
yet  the  most  successful  romances  and  plays  are 
written  by  men,  as  are  the  best  books  of  philos-* 
ophy.  Women  are  nearly  all  religious,  while 
men  are  mainly  skeptics,  yet  there  is  almost  no 
such  thing  as  a  woman  preacher.  Women  be 
lieve  more  in  medicine  than  men,  and  use  more 
of  it,  yet  the  men  are  the  doctors.  A  woman 
runs  every  home.  Who  builds  and  supports  it? 
A  man  who  is  ashamed  of  himself;  a  man  who 
regrets  that  he  is  not  as  good  as  a  woman. 

43. 

Are  men  as  good  looking  to  women  as  women 
are  to  men? 

44. 

If  I  happen  to  marry  a  woman  with  whom  I 

naturally  agree,  I  will  turn  out  a  good  husband ; 

if  not,  I'll  turn  out  a  bad  husband.     Find  a  man 

and  wife  who  are  compelled  to  "study"  each 

—  47  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

other  in  order  to  get  along,  and  who  "talk  things 
over"  a  good  deal,  and  say  mean  things  to  each 
other,  and  they'd  separate  if  it  wasn't  for  the 
children,  or  the  name  of  it. 

45. 

A  woman  can  handle  a  housekeeper,  but  a 
man  can't;  in  seven  cases  out  of  ten,  men  who 
employ  housekeepers,  marry  them. 

46. 

Marriage  steadies  a  man;  it  gives  him  so 
much  to  do  that  he  begins  to  realize  the  meaning 
of  the  word  hustle.  Some  one  once  said  that 
the  best  thing  that  can  happen  to  a  young  man 
of  eighteen  or  nineteen  is  to  have  a  widowed 
mother  and  fatherless  brothers  and  sisters  left 
on  his  hands.  Let  him  marry  at  eighteen  or 
nineteen,  and  he  will  receive  the  same  benefit. 
He  is  benefited  in  both  cases  by  responsibility, 
by  punishment. 

47. 

The  world  cannot  be  ruled  by  Love.     Love  is 
so  generous  it  makes  promises  it  cannot  fulfill: 
it  gives  worlds  when  it  is  as  poor  as  a  church. 
—  48  — 


WOMEN 


48. 

Love  is  usually  regarded  as  a  divine  thing 
every  one  should  toy  with,  but  it  is  a  devilish  lit 
tle  affair  that  should  be  closely  watched.  Rum 
and  cigarettes,  arch  fiends  though  they  are,  have 
never  bothered  me;  but  love  has  been  whipping 
me  vigorously  ever  since  I  was  twelve  years  old. 

49. 

Finally,  I  am  sorry  that  I  brought  up  the 
subject.  I  know  nothing  about  it. 


—  49  — 


II 

POLITICS 

1. 

Saving  souls  was  once  the  most  popular  work; 
but  now  saving  the  country  takes  the  lead. 

2. 

You  often  hear  men  talk  of  the  old  blind  de 
pendence  on  the  Church.  If  the  Church  said 
women  should  be  hanged  as  witches,  the  women 
were  hanged.  If  the  Church  said  there  should 
be  a  Crusade  to  rescue  certain  shrines  from  the 
infidels,  there  was  a  Crusade:  blind,  unreason 
ing,  bloody,  terrible,  in  which  the  people  made 
great  sacrifices.  If  the  Church  said  there 
should  be  an  Inquisition,  a  Massacre,  there  was 
an  inquisition  and  a  massacre.  All  these  things 
are  a  part  of  accepted  history;  also  the  Reforma 
tion,  wherein  church  members  declared  they 
should  have  something  to  say,  said  it,  and 
changed  the  old  order.  But  they  were  a  long, 
—  50  — 


POLITICS 


long  time  about  it.  There  was  much  unneces 
sary  suffering  and  destruction  before  mankind 
came  to  its  senses.  Are  these  old  events  in 
church  history  more  astounding  than  the  manner 
in  which  men  now  follow  political  leaders?  We 
have  certain  words  now  in  politics  more  potent 
than  the  Trinity,  the  Holy  Spirit,  etc.,  ever  were. 
We  worship  the  word  Democracy.  Has  any  one 
ever  taken  the  pains  to  look  into  its  real  mean 
ing? 

3. 

One  secret  has  been  kept  many  centuries:  the 
terrible  worthlessness  of  the  people  collectively. 
Bad  government  is  like  a  worthless  young  man 
whose  folks  are  rich,  and  who  put  up  money  to 
hide  his  mistakes. 

4. 

One  of  the  dangerous  men  in  public  life  is  the 
orator  and  writer  who  is  sent  on  a  Mission  at 
public  expense,  and  who  returns  with  a  false  re 
port. 

5. 

There  is  always  a  type  of  man  who  says  he 
loves  his  fellow  men,  and  expects  to  make  a  liv 
ing  at  it. 

—  51  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

6. 

"Fooled  again"  has  become  an  American 
aphorism.  Americans  detest  all  lies  except  lies 
spoken  in  public  or  printed  lies.  These  we  re 
gard  as  Clever.  Everybody  regards  the  Public 
as  something  to  coddle  and  deceive:  a  mob  with 
out  much  sense,  and  easily  fooled.  In  every 
business  transaction,  you  at  least  have  the  article 
laid  before  you,  and  are  permitted  to  examine  it. 
In  politics,  before  you  have  a  look  at  what  you 
buy,  you  must  wait  until  a  year  or  so  after  the 
Convention  adjourns.  In  more  practical  busi 
ness,  if  your  purchase  is  not  exactly  as  repre 
sented,  you  may  have  your  money  back;  if  the 
count  is  short,  it  will  be  corrected;  if  you  were 
promised  fast  colors,  you  get  them,  or  a  better 
pair  of  socks.  A  guarantee  goes  with  every  ar 
ticle  sold  by  all  men  except  statesmen,  speakers, 
writers;  their  wares  are  sold  with  the  expectation 
that  you  will  throw  them  away,  and  try  others. 

7 

Modern  reform  is  machine-made,  like  matches 
or  clothes  pins.     Capitalists  hire   editors  and 
orators  to  write  and  talk  the  Reform  language, 
—  52  — 


POLITICS 


the  object  always  being  the  same  as  in  any  other 
manufacturing  enterprise:  to  make  money  and 
reputation.  Every  really  successful  Reformer 
has  a  fortune. 

8. 

When  tax  payers  come  out  of  the  county 
treasurer's  office  swearing  like  pirates,  the  poli 
ticians  keep  out  of  the  way.  But  in  the  spring, 
after  the  tax  payers  have  forgotten  their  wrongs, 
the  politicians  begin  working  delicately.  They 
bring  in  some  big  orator  to  talk  Patriotism;  the 
tax  payers  forget,  and  by  the  time  the  fall  elec 
tion  arrives,  the  politicians  are  again  masters  of 
the  situation. 

9. 

Politics  is  a  profession  as  certainly  as  base 
ball.  And  a  national  election  is  about  as  im 
portant  to  the  people  as  the  final  series  between 
the  victorious  American  and  National  league 
teams:  both  mean  excitement,  honors  for  a  new 
lot  of  heroes,  and  no  benefit  except  to  a  few  win 
ners.  The  only  difference  is  that  base  ball  is 
on  the  square;  no  base  ball  hero  claims  he  is 
working  in  the  interest  of  the  crowd  in  the 
bleachers. 

—  53  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

10. 

Modern  politicians  have  become  as  harsh  mas 
ters  of  the  people  as  were  the  old  kings  of  in 
famous  memory.  It  is  possible,  if  not  probable, 
that  there  is  to-day  as  much  extravagance  and 
snobbery  at  Washington,  capital  of  the  world's 
most  notable  free  people,  as  existed  in  Ver 
sailles  when  the  Paris  mob  thundered  at  its  gates 
to  carry  Louis  XVI  to  the  guillotine.  And  the 
same  extravagance  and  snobbery  extends  to 
every  state  capital  in  the  nation. 

11. 

The  mission  of  parties  is  to  keep  the  people 
divided  into  factions,  that  they  may  be  unable  to 
do  anything  for  themselves. 

12. 

There  is  no  longer  need  for  the  president  of  the 
Hoboes'  Union  to  deliver  stirring  speeches;  such 
speeches  are  now  being  delivered  by  government 
officials  paid  from  the  public  treasury. 

13. 

How  willing  we  all  are  to  milk  the  State! 
We  seem  to  believe  the  State  is  some  great  thing 


POLITICS 


like  the  boar  in  that  famous  Heaven  of  Heroes: 
although  eaten  every  day,  it  becomes  whole  again 
during  the  night,  and  is  ready  to  supply  feasts 
without  end.  The  State  is  only  a  tax  gatherer, 
and  waste  of  public  money  is  a  shame  and  bur 
den  to  the  poor.  The  tariff  is  a  tax  on  the  poor; 
so  is  the  income  tax,  although  it  claims  to  ex 
empt  the  poor  man.  The  truth  is,  taxation  has 
become  a  monster  oppressing  every  one.  We  all 
try  to  put  it  off  on  others,  but  all  must  pay. 


14. 

You  are  reasonably  safe  from  the  lions,  the 
tigers,  goblins,  burglars,  Plutocrats,  the  Devil, 
but  in  all  reasonable  probability  a  Man  Hunter 
has  your  name,  and  will  call  on  you  at  first  op 
portunity.  See  that  you  handle  him  with  rea 
sonable  skill. 


15. 

The  next  time  you  see  a  picture  of  the  Presi 
dent  and  his  cabinet,  look  at  it  carefully,  and 
decide  if  it  doesn't  look  like  a  board  of  educa 
tion  in  a  country  district. 

—  55  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

16. 

All  the  men  know  that  agents  must  be 
watched ;  all  the  women  know  that  lovers,  in  spite 
of  their  agreeable  ways,  are  dangerous;  but  The 
People  seem  never  to  have  learned  that  states 
men  are  dangerous:  in  this  country  there  seems 
to  be  a  unanimous  opinion  that  finally  a  States 
man  will  appear  who  will  have  a  plan  whereby 
we  may  live  forever  without  work. 


17. 

In  the  old  days  people  had  some  respect  for 
the  truth;  they  didn't  always  tell  it,  but  they  were 
at  least  ashamed  to  be  known  as  liars,  and  truth 
fulness  was  generally  taught  the  children. 
Lately  liars  are  our  heroes  and  heroines.  Peo 
ple  live  lies,  and  instead  of  blushing  because 
others  know  they  are  liars,  attempt  to  make 
others  ashamed  of  the  truth. 


18. 

When  you  hear  that  a  certain  man  is  so  good 
that  he  wants  to  help  everybody,  you  may  de 
pend  upon  it  that  he  started  the  story. 
—  56  — 


POLITICS 


19. 

A  government  so  cumbersome,  extravagant 
and  corrupt  that  half  the  people  are  required  to 
govern  the  other  half  will  inevitably  result  in 
revolution,  and  no  government  at  all.  Real  re 
form  means  the  simplest  and  least  expensive  gov 
ernment  possible,  in  order  that  the  people  may 
consent  to  being  governed. 

20. 

Our  indignation  amounts  to  nothing:  if  it  had 
force  and  danger  behind  it,  the  politicians  would 
be  the  first  to  take  notice. 

21. 

I  see  a  good  deal  of  controversy  in  the  papers 
as  to  the  men  who  deserve  credit  for  the  Present 
Advanced  Position  of  the  World.  Is  the  world 
occupying  an  advanced  position  at  present? 

22. 

The  people  are  always  worsted  in  an  election. 

23. 

Since  1776  we  American  men  have  been  free 
to  improve  our  public  affairs.  Everybody  has 

—  57  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

been  in  favor  of  everything  high  minded;  there 
has  been  no  king  or  aristocracy  to  threaten  us; 
the  Devil  has  had  no  representatives  except  cheer 
ful  volunteers.  Powerful  newspapers  have 
clamored  for  a  century  and  more  for  rights  we 
have  always  had;  and  the  result  of  it  all  is  we 
have  built  up  a  rule  worse  than  the  rule  of  King 
George;  the  taxes  King  George  imposed  were  a 
mere  bagatelle  compared  with  the  taxes  imposed 
by  those  who  call  themselves  our  Obedient 
Servants. 

24. 

As  soon  as  the  people  fix  one  Shame  of  the 
World,  another  turns  up. 

25. 

Our  present  system  is  founded  on  the  saying 
that  "to  the  victors  belong  the  spoils."  This 
vicious  doctrine  was  founded  in  the  days  of  bar 
barism  and  war.  Spoil  means  theft;  theft 
means  victims.  The  business  of  managing  pub 
lic  affairs  in  the  United  States  is  the  greatest 
business  in  the  world,  yet  we  are  trying  to  man 
age  it  economically  and  honestly  by  the  spoils 
system;  we  put  up  a  purse  containing  millions 
—  58  — 


POLITICS 


and  millions  of  loot,  and  invite  the  politicians 
to  fight  for  it. 

26. 

How  much  a  Statesman  is  like  Santa  Glaus! 
We  build  our  own  roads,  pay  our  own  police 
force:  attend  to  all  the  details  of  making  the 
country  prosperous,  and  give  the  Statesman 
credit.  We  all  know  the  Statesman  is  a  fraud, 
yet  we  whoop  it  up  for  him  in  November  as  en 
thusiastically  as  we  whoop  it  up  for  Santa  Glaus 
in  December. 

27. 

Formerly  an  American,  when  politics  became 
so  bad  in  old  communities  he  could  no  longer 
stand  it,  might  call  his  dog,  put  out  his  fire,  and 
move  out  west,  to  make  a  new  start;  but  the  free 
land  in  the  west  has  been  taken  up:  the  only 
thing  to  do  now  is  to  reform  public  affairs. 

28. 

When  a  reformer  speaks  of  the  wrongs  of  the 
people,  he  always  speaks  of  the  conditions  pre 
vailing  just  before  the  French  revolution. 
Those  conditions  were  thoroughly  bad,  but  they 
do  not  prevail  to-day.  In  that  day,  the  nobles 
paid  no  taxes.  Now  the  well-to-do  pay  taxes, 
—  59  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

and  the  poor  pay  almost  none.  That  is  a  very 
significant  difference,  and  there  are  others; 
when  the  poor  of  this  country  do  pay  taxes,  they 
pay  a  lower  rate  than  do  the  rich.  In  the  bad 
days  before  the  French  revolution,  the  king  col 
lected  a  tax  from  the  poor  in  lieu  of  his  right  to 
select  the  better  looking  young  girls  from  the 
families  of  the  poor  for  his  harem.  No  such 
thing  prevails  to-day:  a  poor  girl  is  protected  as 
carefully  as  is  the  wife  of  the  President.  In  the 
old  days,  the  poor  remained  poor,  as  a  rule; 
there  was  no  way  for  them  to  progress.  In  this 
day,  a  large  majority  of  our  wealthy  people  have 
been  poor.  A  poor  man  may  become  president, 
as  did  Lincoln,  and  of  all  our  presidents  his 
memory  is  most  popular.  We  have  every  right 
the  French  demanded  before  the  revolution;  we 
actually  have  no  public  wrongs  except  those  for 
which  we  are  ourselves  to  blame.  But  agitators 
howl  as  though  we  were  ground  down  as  were  the 
French  and  Russians  in  the  days  of  absolutism. 
It  is  a  ridiculous,  a  false  situation. 

29. 

The  world  is  in  a  bad  situation;  the  worst  in 
its  history.     Who  did  it?     Is  it  not  true  that  pol- 
—  60  — 


POLITICS 


iticians,  poets  and  proletarians  are  more  respon 
sible  than  the  rich  men?  Who  precipitated  the 
war?  A  proletarian,  who  shot  a  crown  prince 
and  his  wife.  Who  rushed  into  war  with  too 
much  haste,  when  a  compromise  might  have  been 
effected?  A  politician,  the  Kaiser,  who  told  the 
Germans  they  were  being  attacked,  and  that  it 
was  the  duty  of  the  German  people  to  save  the 
other  portions  of  the  earth  from  ignorance,  vice, 
idleness  and  corruption.  The  rich  men  have 
done  many  mean  things,  but,  with  all  their  mean 
ness,  they  have  accomplished  some  good.  Will 
some  gentleman  tell  of  any  substantial  good  the 
politicians,  poets  and  proletarians  have  accom 
plished? 

30. 

Some  men  must  be  supported  by  the  public. 
If  they  fail  in  politics,  they  engage  in  lodge  work, 
church  work,  or  charity  work,  for  the  salary. 

31. 

Silliness  which  would  have  broken  a  politician 
twenty  years  ago,  now  makes  his  fortune. 

32. 

We  are  now  confronted  with  the  necessity  of 
remedying  the  remedies. 

—  61  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

33. 

When  members  of  Congress  divide  a  "pork 
barrel,"  and  provide  places  and  contracts  for 
thousands  of  their  followers,  is  it  not  as  burden 
some  to  taxpayers  as  was  the  action  of  Louis  XV 
in  spending  millions  on  a  House  of  Pleasure? 
The  only  difference  seems  to  be  that  the  French 
had  but  one  master,  while  we  have  many;  and 
each  master  has  his  little  court  to  maintain. 

34. 

Leaders  are  willing  to  advocate  adultery  or 
amen,  to  win. 

35. 

People  pretty  generally  cried:  "Shame! 
shame!"  last  year;  but  conditions  are  a  little 
worse  this  year. 

36. 

There  was  once  a  political  party  called  the 
Know  Nothing.  It  is  time  we  had  a  political 
party  called  the  Know  Something. 

37. 

When  the  leaders  want  to  rob  us,  they  cover  the 
real  issue  with  a  bait  of  flubdub,  and  we  swal- 
—  62  — 


POLITICS 


low  it,  thinking  we  are  High  Minded  men  with 
Souls  and  Ideals,  only  to  find  later  that  in  feed 
ing  our  Souls  we  have  starved  our  Stomachs. 

38. 

The  politicians  are  the  head  and  front  of  all 
our  public  offending:  they  are  our  Upper  Class 
who  make  fools  of  us. 

39. 

Put  only  honest  men  on  guard;  and  see  that 
they  are  heavily  insured  in  a  reliable  bonding 
company. 


—  63  — 


Ill 

RELIGION 

1. 

I  once  resented  the  fact  that  so  many  persons 
accept  doctrines  I  know  to  be  absurd,  but  do  not 
now,  and  have  not  for  a  good  many  years.  Re 
ligion  is  only  one  of  many  questionable  things 
accepted  by  the  people,  and  one  of  the  least 
harmful.  The  good  done  by  the  church  is  enor 
mous,  and  I  know  of  little  harm  it  does,  except 
the  annoyance  caused  by  the  over-zealous,  and 
these  are  mainly  a  cheap  lot  who  are  annoying 
in  many  other  ways.  Dogmatic  religion  is  dy 
ing  as  rapidly  as  it  should.  Ministers  are  stat 
ing  new  and  better  doctrines  to  take  its  place. 
There  is  almost  nothing  left  of  the  old  dogmas 
as  they  were  taught  originally,  and  the  church 
to-day  is  largely  a  social  center  which  attracts 
many  of  the  best  people  in  every  community. 
Millions  of  church  members  believe  no  more  in 
supernaturalism  than  I  do,  and  I  find  them  agree- 
—  64  — 


RELIGION 


able,  intelligent,  and  helpful  in  all  the  world's 
main  affairs. 

2. 

I  almost  believe  it  wise  to  accept  a  creed,  and 
belong  to  some  orthodox  church,  although  I  have 
not  found  it  necessary,  and  have  never  been  a 
church  man.  But  a  man  who  joins  an  orthodox 
church,  and  is  modest  about  it,  will  avoid  many 
inconveniences  in  life.  There  are  certain  church 
people  who  are  suspicious  of  those  who  are  pro 
fessed  free-thinkers;  and  these  make  the  free 
thinkers  as  much  trouble  as  is  possible.  This 
entirely  disappears  if  a  man  joins  some  religious 
society,  whatever  it  may  be,  and  however  cold 
his  relations  to  his  society  may  be.  I  have 
known  many  worthy  people  who  were  actually 
martyrs  because  they  insisted  on  being  free 
thinkers  in  religion.  There  are  thousands  of 
strong,  honest  men  who  are  less  useful  and  pros 
perous  than  they  might  be  because  they  con 
stantly  tease  and  vex  church  people.  To  join  a 
religious  society  when  you  do  not  believe  in  its 
doctrine,  or  in  what  we  know  as  religion  in  any 
form,  is  hypocrisy,  of  course,  but  millions  are 
amiable  hypocrites  in  other  things,  and  a  little 
—  65  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

more  in  religion  will  not  hurt  them.  Religion  is 
organized  morality,  whatever  else  may  be  said 
of  it.  And,  besides,  most  religionists  have  not 
the  faintest  conception  of  the  faith  they  profess. 
Its  outward  forms  are  respectable,  and  they  are 
not  familiar  with  the  dogmas  taught  by  their 
leaders.  The  most  absurd  thing  in  the  world, 
I  have  often  thought,  is  any  religious  dogma, 
but  church  members  mainly  do  not  know  it,  for 
the  reason  that  they  have  never  taken  the  pains 
to  inquire  into  their  creed. 


3. 

The  church  has  many  faults,  but  it  has  no 
fangs  any  one  may  not  draw.  The  Christian 
who  says  what  we  need  is  more  Christianity  is 
no  more  objectionable  than  the  Democrat  who 
says  our  real  need  is  more  Democracy.  The 
trouble  is,  that  the  advocates  of  Christianity  ex 
pect  too  much  of  it,  and  its  enemies  abuse  it 
more  than  is  just.  That  is  the  precise  trouble 
with  every  other  human  thing.  I  hope  never  to 
hear  another  argument  for  or  against  Chris 
tianity  or  Democracy;  I  am  as  familiar  as  I  care 
to  be  with  both  sides  of  both  questions,  and  have 
—  66  — 


RELIGION 


made  up  my  mind.     Further  argument  will  only 
tire  me. 

4. 

I  do  not  wonder  that  many  people  are  re 
ligious;  the  wonder  is  that  all  are  not.  Death 
is  a  dismal  adventure,  and  an  offer  of  help 
at  that  time  of  greatest  need  is  alluring.  Mil 
lions  of  people  buy  medicine.  The  argument 
for  medicine  is  no  better  authenticated  than  the 
argument  for  immortality;  yet  thousands  buy 
medicine  who  do  not  go  to  church.  I  know  a 
puny  woman  who  stopped  taking  medicine,  and 
got  well.  Now  she  says  prayer  did  it.  As  for 
me,  I  have  never  been  able  to  get  help  from  either 
medicine  or  prayer. 

5. 

Although  I  am  not  a  church  man,  I  do  not  like 
irreverence,  or  vicious  and  untruthful  attacks  on 
the  church.  There  is  nothing  about  religion  to 
inspire  hatred;  it  is  the  disagreeable  actions  of 
its  followers  that  cause  such  hatred  of  religion 
as  exists.  As  I  grow  older  I  become  more  tol 
erant.  The  first  principle  of  government  is  that 
no  man  may  have  his  way;  so  I  listen  to  the  wise 
and  foolish  babble,  and  make  the  best  I  can  of 
—  67  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

my  own  life.  If  there  is  any  one  human  insti 
tution  that  has  been  regulated,  it  is  the  church. 
We  have  actually  investigated  it,  and  our  actions 
fit  our  conclusions.  Every  man  is  free  to  accept 
or  reject  the  church;  the  priests  have  no  power  to 
exact  tithes.  A  man  who  is  fanatical  about  his 
religion  is  punished  as  promptly  as  is  a  man 
who  is  fanatical  in  opposition  to  it,  by  public 
opinion.  The  faults  of  the  church  are  freely 
admitted,  and  given  the  widest  and  freest  pub 
licity  in  public  print  and  public  speech.  The 
mistakes  of  religion  do  not  seem  to  me  to  be 
important.  With  all  our  religious  hypocrisy, 
we  continue  to  starve  preachers.  But  we  do  not 
starve  the  politicians;  they,  on  the  contrary,  are 
starving  us.  A  man  may  apparently  accept  re 
ligion,  and  damn  it.  Occasionally  I  criticize 
the  church.  I  mean  no  offense  to  any  worthy 
man;  and  there  are  millions  of  such  who  preach 
or  sit  patiently  in  pews. 

6. 

No  sane  man  doubts  anything  God  has  prom 
ised,   or  anything  God  has  revealed.     Skepti 
cism  is  doubt  that  God  ever  made  the  revelations 
or  promises  attributed  to  Him.     If  the  people 
—  68  — 


RELIGION 


knew  God  had  made  a  revelation  or  promise, 
and  knew  it  as  certainly  as  they  know  that  an 
eclipse  of  the  sun  will  happen  at  some  time  in 
the  future  agreed  upon  by  astronomers,  there 
would  be  no  such  thing  as  an  unbeliever.  It  is 
not  a  fault  to  refuse  to  believe  the  story  of  a 
traveler  that  yesterday  he  walked  along  the  road 
with  a  man  who  had  no  head,  and  who  talked  in 
telligently  and  entertainingly  from  his  vest 
pocket;  indeed  it  is  a  virtue  to  refuse  to  believe 
in  a  happening  that  is  unnatural,  and  that  has 
never  been  duplicated  in  human  experience,  and 
is  denied  by  all  history.  I  doubt  nothing  that 
God  has  actually  revealed.  He  has  revealed  the 
changing  seasons;  he  has  revealed  the  wonder 
ful  heavens ;  he  has  revealed  the  wonderful  earth 
on  which  we  live.  I  believe  all  this  implicitly, 
and  everything  else  taught  by  leaders  who  can 
prove  their  contentions;  but  many  pretended 
revelations  of  God  are  not  revelations.  What 
ever  message  God  wishes  to  send  the  world  is 
unmistakable.  He  is  more  explicit  in  his  mes 
sages  than  man,  and  man  has  given  hundreds  of 
messages  to  the  world  which  are  accepted  by  men 
of  all  nations  and  conditions.  When  men  quar 
rel  over  a  message  said  to  have  been  sent  by  God, 
—  69  — 


VENTURES    IN   COMMON   SENSE 

it  is  proof  positive  that  God  never  sent  it.  God 
revealed  why  night  follows  day,  and  investiga 
tion  shows  an  exactness  that  is  marvelous:  no 
heavenly  body  has  ever  been  an  instant  ahead  of 
its  schedule  time,  and  not  one  instant  behind  it. 
But  when  a  revelation  or  promise  is  attributed  to 
God,  and  it  cannot  be  demonstrated  by  man,  man 
says  reverently:  "We  know  this  is  not  a  reve 
lation  of  God,  because  it  is  not  true."  That 
there  are  many  pretended  revelations  of  God,  we 
know  without  question:  the  evidence  of  this  fact 
is  that  every  nation  has  had  ignorant  men  who 
claimed  to  have  received  messages  from  Him. 
No  two  of  these  false  messages  are  alike,  so  all 
of  them  must  be  false.  It  is  a  peculiar  thing 
about  these  false  talks  with  God  that  they  were 
proclaimed  by  ignorant  men :  every  false  prophet 
in  the  past  has  been  an  ignorant  man. 

7. 

A  good  many  years  ago  the  doctrine  of  Evo 
lution  was  announced.  It  was  in  opposition  to 
generally  accepted  ideas,  and  therefore  opposed 
by  the  most  powerful  organizations  then  in  ex 
istence;  teachers  in  every  hamlet  and  neighbor 
hood  fought  it  viciously;  warnings  were  sent  out 
—  70  — 


RELIGION 


that  the  new  doctrine  was  unclean.  But  in  spite 
of  this  opposition,  the  doctrine  stood  the  acid  test: 
investigation  proved  it,  and  to-day  no  man  of 
intelligence  and  information  doubts  it.  The 
history  of  Evolution  is  the  history  of  every  other 
great  truth:  it  will  demonstrate  itself,  however 
vindictive  and  active  the  opposition  may  be. 
And  no  intelligent  man  is  warranted  in  accepting 
any  doctrine  or  faith  that  does  not  prove  itself 
as  did  Evolution.  If  your  faith  is  opposed  to 
experience,  to  human  learning  and  investigation, 
it  is  not  worth  the  breath  used  in  giving  it  ex 
pression. 

8. 

Martin  Luther  was  a  religious  Socialist,  yet 
there  are  those  who  now  declare  he  did  religion 
harm  rather  than  good.  We  Protestants  are  So 
cialistic  Christians,  and  criticise  church  author 
ity  so  liberally  that  the  Protestant  church  is  with 
out  power.  You  must  have  observed  how  well 
a  Catholic  priest  controls  his  congregation,  and 
how  a  Protestant  preacher  fails  in  the  same  task. 
Every  Catholic  service  is  crowded:  the  average 
Protestant  service  is  attended  by  a  few  women 
and  children,  but  the  men  remain  at  home,  and 
make  fun  of  the  preacher.  The  Reformation 
—  71  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

was  a  religious  reform,  and  we  overdid  it,  as  we 
overdo  all  reform.  Who  does  not  know  that  the 
Reformation  was  the  beginning  of  the  break-up 
of  the  church?  It  wasn't  the  infidels  who  broke 
down  church  authority;  it  was  the  Protestants: 
the  religious  Socialists.  I  am  the  son  of  a 
Methodist  preacher;  I  believe  in  the  religious 
freedom  we  enjoy,  and  for  which  we  have  the 
Protestants  to  thank,  but  I  also  know  that  what 
we  call  the  Reformation  broke  down  the  church. 


9. 

When  half  the  people  believe  one  thing,  and 
the  other  half  another,  it  is  usually  safe  to  accept 
either  opinion.  The  Democrats  are  as  good  as 
the  Republicans,  and  the  Catholics  as  good  as 
the  Protestants. 

10. 

Preachers  say  the  people  fight  religion.  It 
isn't  true.  The  attitude  of  men  toward  religion 
is  naturally  friendly.  Men  not  only  think  fa 
vorably  about  religion,  but  millions  of  them 
think  it  a  sin  not  to  become  hypocrites,  and  pre 
tend  to  believe  when  they  do  not. 
—  72  — 


RELIGION 


11. 

I  am  not  an  Agnostic;  /  know — and  I  say  it 
with  modesty.  Others  know  life  as  well  as  I  do 
and  better.  I  have  lived  a  long  time,  and  my 
real  problems  have  always  been  simple.  Being 
selfish,  I  have  solved  them  with  all  available  in 
telligence.  The  simple  rules  of  life  you  dis 
cover  every  day  are  as  unchanging  as  the  rules 
governing  mighty  Saturn,  and  you  can  safely  as 
sume  that  if  you  intelligently  attend  to  your  lit 
tle  affairs,  Saturn  will  attend  to  his. 

12. 

There  is  no  one  living  I  wish  to  consign  to 
hell;  I  wish  no  punishment  for  any  one  beyond 
the  punishment  necessary  to  enforce  the  precept 
that  all  should  be  polite,  fair  and  useful  men  and 
women. 

13. 

A  favorite  charge  against  the  people  is  that 
they  are  slaves  of  superstition.  There  is  little 
in  it.  Superstition  is  dead,  whatever  may  have 
been  the  case  in  the  days  of  Cotton  Mather  and 
John  Calvin.  But  the  church  isn't  dead,  nor 
will  it  be  in  many  years  to  come.  If  the  church 
—  73  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

should  be  outlawed  to-morrow,  millions  of  peo 
ple  would  meet  in  secret,  and  risk  persecution 
for  the  pleasure  of  indulging  in  rites  they  enjoy. 
But  there  is  actually  little  superstition. 

14. 

No  other  institution  is  talked  about  so  much 
behind  its  back  as  the  church. 

15. 

It  seems  to  me  I  never  knew  a  man  who  really 
loved  the  Lord.  Some  fear  Him,  but  few  love 
Him. 

16. 

The  world  is  full  of  hypocrites  who  have  never 
fooled  any  one. 

17. 

The  attention  of  honest  church  people  is 
hereby  called  to  the  wolves  who  join  the  church, 
and  then  want  to  take  charge. 

18. 

A  man  of  considerable  sense  may  engage  in 
prayer,  to  show  off  before  women  and  children, 
but  if  a  man  should  be  chased  by  a  bear,  and 

—  74  — 


RELIGION 


drop  on  his  knees  to  pray,  instead  of  running, 
I  should  doubt  his  sanity. 

19. 

The  doctrine  of  immortality  is  accepted  by 
every  one  who  accepts  it  on  the  testimony  of  the 
poets,  and  in  defiance  of  the  world's  most  learned 
men.  Poets  are  prophets  whose  prophesying 
never  comes  true.  The  poets  have  never  done 
anything  for  the  people  except  to  increase  their 
sentimentality. 

20. 

Many  a  man  has  professed  to  hear  a  call  to 
go  out  into  the  world  and  preach,  but  I  never 
knew  one  who  heard  the  call  to  come  in. 

21. 

Public  opinion  is  usually  wrong,  to  begin  with, 
and  remains  wrong  from  a  few  weeks  to  as  many, 
centuries,  but  in  the  end  it  is  always  right. 
Nearly  every  good  law  is  an  old  law,  and  com 
mon  in  every  country.  Good  laws  are  the  re 
sult  of  long  experience;  they  are  as  necessary  to 
human  society  as  oil  is  to  machinery.  Laws 
based  on  sentiment  will  finally  fail.  If  men 
could  not  successfully  combat  the  doctrine  of 
—  75  — 


VENTURES   IN   COMMON   SENSE 

literal  hell,  there  would  be  a  revival  in  progress 
in  every  community  all  the  time;  not  to  save  sin 
ners,  for  there  would  be  no  sinners,  but  to  praise 
the  Lord.  Give  men  a  religion  which  will  dem 
onstrate  itself — as  clearly  other  human  facts 
demonstrate  themselves — and  it  will  not  col 
lapse.  No  doctrine  that  is  true  and  important, 
and  meets  the  needs  of  men,  was  ever  known  to 
fail. 

22. 

The  fool  with  whom  I  have  least  patience  is 
the  fellow  who  says  that  were  it  not  for  religion, 
the  world  would  be  less  moral;  that  without  re 
ligion  a  man  has  no  incentive  to  be  honest.  I 
do  not  believe  in  dogmatic  religion,  but  no  man 
believes  more  in  the  simple  virtues  than  I  do. 
I  fear  a  cross  dog  more  than  I  do  the  devil;  but 
the  manner  in  which  law  and  public  opinion  pun 
ish  evil  doers  is  sufficient  to  cause  me  to  wish  to 
behave.  Morality  did  not  originate  with  re 
ligion.  The  churches  should  teach  their  dog 
mas,  and  stand  or  fall  with  them;  they  should 
not  falsely  claim  to  be  the  custodians  of  morals, 
since  this  causes  many  persons  to  imagine  that 
if  religious  dogma  fails,  morality  fails. 
—  76  — 


RELIGION 


23. 

When  a  tradition  is  thousands  of  years  old, 
anything  may  be  added  to  it  with  impunity,  and 
ridiculous  contentions  proved  to  the  entire  satis 
faction  of  its  adherents. 

24. 

Look  after  the  lower  life  carefully,  and  the 
higher  life  will  take  care  of  itself. 

25. 

I  don't  understand  how  a  man  can  believe  in 
Socialism  and  not  in  religion.  There  is  exactly 
the  same  reason  for  believing  in  religion  that 
there  is  for  believing  in  Socialism:  both  doctrines 
are  appeals  to  big  chiefs  for  unnatural  favors. 

26. 

The  Christian  Scientists  made  one  grave  mis 
take  in  promulgating  their  doctrine:  they  offered 
to  prove  it  here  on  earth,  whereas  the  adherents 
of  older  faiths  are  smart  enough  to  say:  "When 
you  die  you  will  see  that  we  are  right." 

27. 

You  people  who  see  things  where  they  do  not 

—  77  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON   SENSE 

exist,  who  hear  messages  that  others  cannot  hear, 
who  can  read  things  between  the  lines — you  have 
no  idea  how  you  are  laughed  at. 

28. 

The  greatest  sermon  ever  delivered  consisted 
of  only  five  words,  to-wit:  "Honesty  is  the  best 
policy."  It  is  preached  millions  of  times  a  day 
in  every  quarter  of  the  earth,  and  is  being  more 
generally  accepted  as  the  world  becomes  more 
learned  and  civilized. 

29. 

Am  I  blind,  and  staggering  around  amid  beau 
tiful  things  I  cannot  see?  Where  are  they? 
I'm  not  stubborn;  I  want  to  see,  and  acknowledge 
whatever  is  fine,  and  true,  and  important,  and 
useful. 

30. 

One  of  the  greatest  slanders  is  that  there  has 
been  a  fall  of  man.  The  truth  is  that  man  has 
ascended  from  a  very  low  beginning  until  he 
now  knows  more,  and  is  more  humane  and  de 
cent,  than  were  the  gods  worshiped  by  the  an 
cients.  I  have  mingled  with  men  a  long  time, 
—  78  — 


RELIGION 


and  know  they  are  entitled  to  praise  instead  of 
the  abuse  they  receive. 

31. 

I  do  not  care  for  the  prophet  who  speaks  in 
parables;  plain  English  is  hard  enough  for  me 
to  understand. 

32. 

In  the  course  of  time  all  men  will  accept  mor 
ality  as  they  accept  a  roof  over  their  heads;  as 
a  better,  more  convenient  and  easier  way  of  liv 
ing.  Wise  men  of  old  knew  this,  as  do  the  wise 
men  of  to-day.  The  plan  of  frightening  the 
fools  to  behave  better  has  its  uses;  if  a  fool  can 
be  made  better  by  deceiving  him,  and  prom 
ising  him  rewards  at  a  time  so  remote  he  cannot 
know  he  has  been  deceived,  I  do  not  object.  So 
far  as  I  know,  there  may  be  a  secret  work  in 
theological  schools  admitting  that  the  base  of 
it  all  is  to  teach  fools  morality.  Intelligent  men 
accept  the  truth  of  morality  as  unreservedly  as 
they  accept  the  truth  of  arithmetic;  they  stumble 
at  times,  and  are  unable  to  work  all  the  sums  in 
the  book,  but  they  know  the  rules  are  true,  and 
that  when  they  subtract  four  from  ten,  the  result 
—  79  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

is  inevitably  six.  When  the  world  learns  as 
much,  morality  will  have  been  achieved.  But 
progress  is  slow  because  we  are  compelled  to 
wait  for  the  fools  to  catch  up. 

33. 

There  is  incessant  preaching.  The  newspa 
pers,  public  men,  ministers,  fathers,  mothers  and 
school  teachers  are  all  lined  up.  Why  are  we 
not  all  converted?  What  is  the  flaw  in  the  argu 
ment  that  causes  so  many  of  us  to  reject  it?  Are 
the  preachers  themselves  doubtful  of  their  doc 
trine? 

34. 

People  have  discovered  that  they  can  fool  the 
Devil;  but  they  can't  fool  the  neighbors.  The 
people  with  whom  you  live  watch  you  relent 
lessly  ;  the  Devil  often  sleeps,  but  when  one  neigh 
bor  has  his  eyes  closed,  several  others  are  watch 
ing. 

35. 

Some  people  call  it  Original  Sin;  others  call 
it  our  Animal  Nature,  and  some  call  it  Devilish- 
ness;  but  rich  and  poor  alike  are  born  with  a 
Common  Streak.  The  best  people  the  world  has 
ever  known  have  decided  to  fight  the  common 
—  80  — 


RELIGION 


streak  rather  than  encourage  it.  So  literature 
and  law  are  written  in  language  above  the  Com 
mon  Streak,  and  we  call  it  Idealism.  But  no 
people  will  ever  get  entirely  away  from  the 
Common  Streak ;  the  best  they  can  do  is  to  get  rid 
of  as  much  of  it  as  possible,  and  hide  the  re 
mainder. 

36. 

Trying  to  live  a  spiritual  life  in  a  material 
world  is  the  greatest  folly  I  know  anything  about. 

37. 

Give  a  Methodist  religious  freedom,  and  he 
will  inevitably  find  his  way  to  a  Methodist 
church,  where  he  will  exercise  his  freedom  in 
being  the  sort  of  slave  he  admires.  I  am  in  no 
sense  a  church  man,  yet  I  never  pass  a  Methodist 
church  that  I  do  not  think  of  it  as  our  church. 
When  a  new  Methodist  pastor  is  appointed  in 
my  community,  I  wonder  if  I  shall  like  him;  al 
though  actually  I  shall  never  hear  him  preach, 
and  probably  never  see  him.  If  I  hear  he  is  a 
great  pulpit  orator  (this  is  usually  said  of  all  of 
them  soon  after  they  take  a  new  congregation), 
I  am  proud,  and  think  we  Methodists  have  the 
real  doctrine,  and  the  real  men  behind  it.  And 
—  81  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

when  the  inevitable  row  develops,  and  I  hear  my 
brethren  are  trying  to  get  rid  of  the  pulpit  or 
ator,  I  take  sides;  usually  I  am  for  him,  because 
I  haven't  seen  him  and  haven't  heard  him.  The 
explanation  is,  my  father  was  a  Methodist,  and 
so  were  our  neighbors  when  I  was  a  boy.  I 
heard  of  the  South  Methodists  and  Campbellites 
saying  mean  things  about  us,  and  I  dislike  them 
to  this  day.  There  was  an  old  quarrel  about  a 
discipline.  We  had  such  a  book,  and  didn't 
care  who  knew  it.  I  don't  know  how  it  is  now, 
but  in  that  early  day  it  was  said  among  Metho 
dists  that  the  Campbellites  had  a  discipline,  but 
denied  it.  I  supposed  then  (and  now)  that  the 
word  discipline  referred  to  a  book  giving  the 
church  doctrine,  and  that  the  Campbellites  de 
nied  having  one  because  they  pretended  that 
every  man  was  a  free  agent,  and  got  his  doctrine 
from  his  inner  consciousness;  from  prayer,  and 
from  communing  with  the  All  High.  I  may  be 
entirely  wrong,  but  that  is  the  idea  I  had  of  it 
then;  and  it  is  the  idea  I  have  now.  One  of 
our  members  claimed  to  have  seen  a  printed 
discipline  in  the  hands  of  a  Campbellite;  the 
Campbellite  was  reading  it  in  private,  and  our 
man,  by  the  merest  chance,  saw  it,  and  detected 

00 

\j&* 


RELIGION 


that  it  was  issued  by  authority  of  the  Camp- 
bellite  church.  Our  man  who  claimed  to  have 
seen  the  Campbellite  discipline  was  named 
Shackelford;  a  noted  liar.  But  I  believe  his 
story  to  this  day;  it  was  in  accord  with  my  preju 
dice,  and  I  wanted  to  believe  it.  The  Campbel- 
lites  believed  in  immersion,  or  complete  baptism ; 
we  believe  in  sprinkling.  While  I  believe 
neither  in  baptism  nor  sprinkling,  to  this  day  I 
believe  more  in  sprinkling  than  in  baptism. 

38. 

Sincerity  is  worthless  unless  backed  by  in 
telligence  and  knowledge.  The  most  sincere 
people  are  the  Adventists.  They  sincerely  be 
lieved  the  world  would  come  to  an  end  on  a  cer 
tain  day.  So  they  destroyed  or  gave  away 
everything  they  had.  But  those  very  sincere 
people  were  badly  mistaken. 

39. 

My  Bishop  is  any  man  who  is  living  a  better 
life  than  I  am  living. 


—  83  — 


IV 

MAN 

1. 

Every  man  who  has  a  horse  killed  by  a  rail 
road  train  demands  twice  its  value,  and  gets  it 
if  he  can;  usually  there  is  a  disreputable  quar 
rel,  and  then  a  settlement,  in  which  the  complain 
ant  receives  about  what  he  was  entitled  to  in  the 
first  place.  There  is  no  exception  to  the  rule 
that  all  men  who  make  demands  ask  too  much; 
this  much  may  be  said  with  truth  in  support  of 
universal  rascality. 

2. 

It  is  often  said  of  a  man  who  tells  a  lie:  "He 
is  honestly  mistaken."  No,  he  isn't;  he  knows 
he  is  a  liar.  All  liars  know  they  are  liars;  the 
only  way  to  reform  liars  is  to  convince  them  that 
telling  the  truth  is  easier  and  more  profitable. 
Telling  a  lie  never  hurts  a  man's  conscience;  it 
is  the  punishment  that  hurts. 
—  84  — 


MAN 


3. 

Every  man  expects  somebody  or  something  to 
help  him.  And  when  he  finds  he  must  help  him 
self,  he  says  he  lacks  Liberty  and  Justice. 

4. 

A  man  once  said:  "I  am  not  my  brother's 
keeper;"  and  has  been  abused  through  the  ages 
for  a  perfectly  true  and  just  remark. 

5. 

Many  troublesome  men  give  as  an  excuse  for 
their  conduct  that  they  are  in  advance  of  the 
times;  but  I  never  knew  a  man  who  was  actually 
ahead  of  his  day  and  generation. 

6. 

If  you  want  to  exercise  your  will  power,  and 
be  proud  of  it,  exercise  it  in  getting  rid  of  some 
of  your  foolish  habits:  that  will  give  your  will 
power  a  chance  to  show  how  strong  it  is. 

7. 

A  modest  man  is  usually  admired — if  people 
ever  hear  of  him. 

—  85  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

8. 

There  are  millions  of  worthy  men  who  be 
lieve  they  have  performed  their  public  duty 
if  they  cheer  every  fine  sentiment  in  the  news 
papers,  and  enlist  under  the  banners  of  every 
fine-talking  leader:  they  think  they  are  good 
men  if  they  denounce  a  lot  of  wrong  that  does 
not  exist. 

9. 

Most  men  who  want  to  do  good,  want  it  done 
at  the  expense  of  others. 

10. 

I  have  read  many  times  of  a  certain  modern 
man  who  gave  his  life  for  the  benefit  of  man 
kind.  The  story  commonly  told  is  that  he  was 
young,  happily  married,  successful  in  his  pro 
fession,  and  in  good  health.  Yet  he  gave  up  his 
life  that  other  men  might  know  one  fact — one 
fact  about  one  disease.  No  such  man  ever  lived. 
Every  martyr  believed  he  would  be  able  to  es 
cape  martyrdom.  There  never  was,  and  there 
never  will  be,  a  man  who  knowingly  accepts 
pain  and  death  for  the  good  of  mankind.  All 
such  stories  are  told  by  men  who  are  making  a 
—  86  — 


MAN 


pretense  of  doing  more  for  the  world  than  they 
really  are. 

11. 

If  a  man  succeeds  in  life,  he  must  do  it  in 
spite  of  the  efforts  of  others  to  pull  him  down. 
There  is  nothing  in  the  idea  that  people  are  will 
ing  to  help  those  who  are  willing  to  help  them 
selves.  People  are  willing  to  help  the  man  who 
cant  help  himself,  but  as  soon  as  a  man  is  able 
to  help  himself,  and  does  it,  they  join  in  "talk 
ing"  about  him,  and  making  his  life  as  uncom 
fortable  as  possible. 

12. 

In  this  age  of  freedom  and  impudence  it  is  a 
wonder  any  man  confesses  he  is  a  bad  gram 
marian;  he  might  easily  claim  that  he  is  right, 
and  Lindley  Murray  wrong. 

13. 

A  man  who  does  not  fool  himself  seldom 
cares  much  about  fooling  others.     But  the  man 
who  claims  to  have  seen  a  ghost  wants  every 
body  else  to  believe  in  ghosts. 
—  87  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

14. 

Most  men  are  willing  to  make  a  bluff,  and 
take  the  risk. 

15. 

Financial  sense  is  knowing  that  many  men 
will  promise  to  do  a  certain  thing,  and  fail  to 
do  it. 

16. 

Man  is  still  a  savage  to  the  extent  that  he  has 
little  respect  for  anything  that  cannot  hurt  him. 

17. 

Nearly  every  man  likes  to  think  he  is  such  a 
devil  that  it  is  proper  for  quiet,  inoffensive  peo 
ple  to  pray  for  him;  indeed,  he  thinks  it  not  be 
yond  reason  for  some  good  person  to  die  for 
him.  Still,  he  does  not  imagine  he  is  altogether 
a  bad  fellow:  he  thinks  his  instincts  are  good; 
that  he  has  a  good  heart;  that  on  occasion  he 
would  do  a  great  deal  for  others — he  even  has 
visions  of  becoming  a  reformer,  and  saving 
others. 

18. 

Every  man  who  says  he  is  not  selfish  is  a  liar; 
all  are  selfish.     The  man  who  says  to  the  world 
—  88  — 


MAN 


that  he  desires  only  its  good,  is  a  liar;  a  greater 
liar  than  I  am.  And  I  am  a  liar;  all  men  are. 
But  I  have  conquered  untruthfulness  to  an  ex 
tent;  to  an  extent  greater  than  many  of  those  who 
pretend  much  more.  I  tell  the  truth  nine  times 
out  of  ten;  and  am  ashamed  of  the  tenth  slip. 
I  habitually  and  cheerfully  give  freely  to  those 
less  fortunate;  more  so  than  many  who  announce 
that  they  are  without  sin.  I  will  not  lie  about 
myself:  others  do  it  habitually,  and  call  their 
lying  virtue.  No  man's  talk  about  doing  good 
is  greater  than  his  accomplishment  in  doing  good. 
I  know  what  men  are;  I  know  two  different  ma 
chines  cannot  be  made  in  the  same  mold.  I 
know  what  has  happened  when  a  dhild  is  born; 
what  will  happen  as  he  lives  and  when  he  dies. 
You  liars  do  not  fool  as  many  as  you  think:  I 
know  what  is  said  about  you  behind  your  backs, 
and  it  is  usually  the  truth. 

19. 

What  a  rascal  a  man  is  willing  to  become  in 
a  horse  trade!  And  men  are  equally  unreliable 
in  every  other  transaction  in  which  fhey  have  a 
direct  interest.  Does  a  lover  tell  the  truth?  No 
more  than  the  horse  trader  in  recommending  his 
—  89  — 


VENTURES   IN    COMMON    SENSE 

animal.     Does    the    merchant   tell    the    truth? 
Look  at  his  advertisements  for  the  answer. 

20. 

Many  fairly  honest  men  are  unjustly  accused 
of  crimes  by  rivals.  If  accusations  were  ac 
cepted  by  judges  and  juries,  without  cross  ex 
amination  or  evidence  in  rebuttal,  we  have  not 
a  virile  male  citizen  in  the  United  States  who 
would  not  be  in  the  penitentiary.  The  idea  of 
a  rival  is  to  cripple  his  adversary  by  abuse,  and 
catch  up  with  him. 

21. 

The  hypocrisy  in  religion,  in  sentiment  gen 
erally,  is  as  nothing  compared  with  the  hypocrisy 
men  display  about  their  jobs.  Was  there  ever  a 
workman  who  did  not  contend  he  knew  his  trade 
better  than  the  foreman?  Was  there  ever  a  man 
Who  was  satisfied  with  his  wages?  The  man 
who  receives  ten  dollars  a  day  is  as  dissatisfied, 
as  greatly  wronged,  as  much  of  a  slave,  as  the 
man  who  gets  but  five,  and  talks  as  bitterly  about 
economic  injustice.  And  after  the  workman  be 
comes  an  employer,  his  hypocrisy  slips  to  the 
opposite  field  of  activity:  he  declares  that  when 
—  90  — 


MAN 


he  was  a  workman,  he  was  not  forever  watching 
the  clock  and  grumbling  about  his  pay.  He 
also  enlarges  his  field  of  hypocrisy;  if  he  is  mak 
ing  only  five  thousand  dollars  a  year,  he  says 
that  but  for  unjust  laws  he  would  be  making  ten 
or  fifteen  thousand,  as  his  talents  warrant.  But 
when  he  finally  enjoys  the  larger  income  (as  he 
often  does,  because  of  residence  in  a  country  of 
great  opportunity  and  liberty),  he  still  abuses 
his  rivals  who  have  greater  ability,  greater  vir 
tue  or  greater  industry.  When  a  man  talks  of 
liberty,  the  rights  of  man,  democracy,  etc.,  he  is 
really  talking  about  his  job;  and  when  he  talks 
about  that,  I  wouldn't  believe  him  under  oath. 

22. 

No  man  is  smart,  except  by  comparison  with 
others  who  know  less ;  the  smartest  man  who  ever 
lived  had  reason  to  be  ashamed  of  himself. 

23. 

The  average  American,  when  he  gets  out  of 
bed  in  the  morning,  is  ambitious  to  do  some 
thing  for  himself;  but  his  public  attitude  is  to 
Do  Something  for  Others,  and  all  day  he  talks  a 
good  deal  about  laying  up  treasure  in  heaven, 
—  91  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

although  actually  busy  in  laying  up  treasure  for 
himself  here  on  earth.  And  in  his  sordid  ambi 
tion  to  do  something  for  himself,  he  is  not  al 
ways  as  careful  to  be  honest  and  fair  as  he 
should  be. 

24. 

Every  man  is  a  natural  polygamist;  the  sexual 
lure  is  stronger  in  him  than  any  other:  he  would 
act  like  a  woods  bull  were  it  not  for  his  knowl 
edge  that  he  cannot  afford  such  conduct.  So  he 
lies  like  a  gentleman  to  the  ladies,  and  pretends 
to  have  no  such  instincts. 

25. 

All  men  are  liars;  I  am  as  certain  about  you 
as  I  am  about  myself. 

26. 

Men  are  very  proud  of  Gallantry.  Yet  it  is 
no  more  than  the  strut  of  the  turkey  gobbler. 

27. 

All  arguments  are  Salesman  Arguments.     A 
man  tries  to  sell  you  something  you  do  not  want; 
if  you  buy,  he  makes  a  profit.     All  other  argu 
ments  are  equally  selfish.     Men  do  not  argue 
—  92  — 


MAN 


to  benefit  you;  they  argue  to  benefit  themselves. 
Learn  to  protect  yourself  against  clever  talkers 
and  clever  arguments. 

28. 

When  a  man  has  given  you  a  dime,  he  says 
it  was  a  dollar,  and  that  you  were  not  as  grateful 
as  you  should  have  been. 

29. 

Many  a  man  is  saved  from  being  a  thief  by 
finding  everything  locked  up. 

30. 

What  is  the  real  secret  of  the  universal  hatred 
of  the  rich?  We  say  it  is  because  we  know  the 
rich  acquire  their  fortunes  by  methods  we  would 
not  adopt,  but  that  is  merely  another  of  our  lies 
— we  know  the  well-to-do  average  as  high  in  hon 
esty  as  the  poor  men.  What,  then,  is  the  secret 
of  our  hatred  of  the  rich?  It  is  probably  envy 
first,  and  second  a  desire  to  rob  the  rich.  If  not 
a  desire  to  rob  the  rich,  then  it  is  a  desire  to 
handicap  them,  so  that  we  may  at  least  be  their 
equals  in  the  race  for  the  world's  prizes. 
—  93  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

31. 

You  often  hear  people  compliment  a  dog.  A 
pig  is  complimented  for  growing  satisfactorily, 
on  a  certain  amount  of  food.  Horses  are  ad 
mired,  and  said  to  be  perfect  specimens.  The 
prize  steer  attracts  attention  at  a  county  fair, 
and  is  admired  without  reserve.  But  there  never 
was  a  satisfactory  man. 

32. 

When  a  woman  pretends  to  be  a  Saint,  it  may 
at  least  be  said  she  is  modest;  she  pretends  to  no 
more  than  that  she  does  not  eat  as  much  as  a  man, 
or  chew  tobacco,  or  swear,  or  own  a  shotgun. 
But  when  a  man  goes  into  the  Saint  business,  he 
wants  to  save  everybody,  reduce  taxes  and  rail 
road  rates,  have  Universal  Love  and  Peace,  and 
get  rid  of  everything  else  people  complain  about. 

33. 

Every  man  is  better  for  being  watched.  Put 
your  affairs  unreservedly  into  any  hands,  and 
your  agent  will  exact  the  best  of  it,  when  he 
might  have  been  fair  if  watched  and  frequently 
checked  up. 

—  94  — 


V 

THE  POOR 

1. 

There  is  not  now,  and  has  never  been  among 
us,  a  general  disposition  to  impose  on  the  poor; 
there  are  no  laws  in  the  United  States  discrim 
inating  against  them.  I  did  not  mean,  of  course, 
that  individuals  in  all  classes  are  not  imposed 
upon  by  other  individuals  every  day  and  hour, 
but  in  this  one  class  is  as  badly  off  as  another. 

2. 

In  theory,  it  is  not  respectable  to  be  rich.  In 
fact,  poverty  is  a  disgrace. 

3. 

When  I  speak  of  the  poor,  I  do  not  mean  the 
old  or  the  sick ;  I  mean  the  shiftless,  of  which  we 
have  a  great  number.  I  shall  never  have  the 
same  respect  for  the  shiftless  man  that  I  have 
for  his  brother  who  is  reasonably  industrious  and 
—  95  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

frugal,  and  who  frequently  becomes  useful  not 
only  to  his  family,  but  to  his  community.  No 
one  can  persuade  me  that  the  men  who  earn  ten 
dollars  a  day  are  not  as  honorable  as  those  who 
earn  four,  and  I  believe  the  ten  dollar  a  day 
men  are  a  little  more  capable  than  their  four 
dollar  brethren.  And  if  the  ten  dollar  a  day 
men  are  promoted,  which  is  happening  to  them 
constantly,  I  do  not  believe  them  less  worthy 
than  they  were  when  working  for  less.  Nor  do 
I  think  there  is  any  useful  thing  accomplished  by 
our  American  plan  of  forever  exalting  the  poor, 
and  crying  down  the  well-to-do.  I  do  not  be 
lieve  it  is  any  easier  for  a  poor  man  to  get  into 
heaven  than  it  is  for  a  well-to-do  man.  A  thou 
sand  well-to-do  men  will  average  a  little  better 
in  usefulness,  integrity  and  industry  than  a 
thousand  average  poor  men.  I  believe  this  be 
cause  in  our  fat  country  extreme  poverty  indi 
cates  an  individual  below  the  average,  unless  it 
is  accompanied  by  old  age  or  misfortune.  The 
most  useful  men  the  world  has  ever  known  have 
been  well-to-do,  with  very  few  exceptions.  Let 
any  man  perform  a  useful  service  for  the  world, 
and  the  world  will  pay  him  for  it,  as  it  should. 
I  believe — and  every  man  of  ordinary  honesty 
—  96  — 


THE   POOR 


and  intelligence  believes — that  a  man  who  be 
haves,  saves,  and  works  hard  is  entitled  to  prog 
ress  in  his  finances  with  age,  and  to  provide  for 
his  days  of  inactivity.  If  he  does  not  succeed  in 
this  in  some  measure,  the  world  blames  him,  and 
he  blames  himself.  When  we  properly  train 
children,  our  ambition  for  them  is  that  they  may 
become  not  only  polite  and  worthy  men  and 
women,  but  successful  in  life;  one  result  is  as 
much  in  our  minds  as  the  other.  You  never 
knew  a  father  or  a  mother  who  warned  their  chil 
dren  to  avoid  becoming  well-to-do.  If  we  have 
a  son  who  is  spoken  well  of  by  his  employer, 
and  is  promoted  because  of  good  habits,  how 
proud  we  are  of  him!  How  the  neighbors 
praise  him!  He  is  pursuing  precisely  the  course 
expected  of  a  good  boy.  Yet  this  is  the  course 
which,  if  persisted  in,  will  result  in  his  becoming 
well-to-do,  and  possibly  rich.  How  apparent, 
then,  is  that  meanness  which  declares  that  such  a 
man,  when  he  has  become  elderly,  and  properly 
rounded  out  his  life,  is  a  thief. 

4. 

When  country-town  idlers  gather  in  the  shoe 
maker's  shop,  and  discuss  the  questions  of  the 
—  97  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

day,  they  always  give  the  poor  the  best  of  it. 
Every  convention  does  the  same  thing;  so  does 
every  orator  and  writer.  The  trouble  is,  the 
poor  cannot  be  given  the  best  of  it.  We  can't 
enjoy  rights,  and  refuse  them  to  others;  much 
less  can  we  demand  more  than  is  fairly  coming 
to  us,  and  refuse  others  their  just  rights. 

5. 

I  wish  we  could  pass  laws  benefiting  us  in  in 
numerable  ways;  it  is  so  easy  to  pass  laws  and 
adopt  resolutions,  but  all  effective  laws  must  be 
based  on  common  sense.  A  mob  may  burn  the 
factory,  and  I  do  not  deny  that  there  is  a  certain 
satisfaction  in  seeing  such  a  fire,  but  it  is  the 
satisfaction  that  comes  from  intoxication,  and 
punishment  will  inevitably  follow.  We  might 
easily  pass  a  law  ordering  the  bankers  to  loan 
us  all  the  money  we  want  without  interest,  with 
the  privilege  of  renewing  our  notes  at  will. 
Such  a  law,  if  it  could  be  enforced,  would  end 
all  our  financial  ills;  but  the  actual  result  would 
be  to  close  the  banks,  and  destroy  a  useful  finan 
cial  system  on  which  worthy  and  intelligent  men 
have  worked  for  centuries.  This  is  the  decision 
of  the  Supreme  Court  of  Nature,  and  all  human 
—  98  — 


THE   POOR 


courts,  passions,  prejudices  and  mobs  must  bow 
to  it. 

6. 

We  are  all  a  rather  worthless  lot.  Therefore 
why  not  encourage  the  people  to  amount  to  more, 
rather  than  to  less?  When  a  man  shows  a  dis 
position  to  save  his  money,  and  keep  out  of  the 
poor  house,  why  do  we  hate  him?  Why  do  we 
so  universally  praise  those  who  do  not  do  as 
well  as  they  might?  Why  not  criticize  them 
more,  and  the  worthy  less? 

7. 

When  a  mob  takes  possession  of  a  city,  and 
begins  to  burn,  a  certain  proportion  of  the  people 
have  a  thrill  of  delight.  Just  what  percentage 
love  to  see  property  destroyed  I  do  not  know,  but 
it  is  probably  larger  than  any  of  us  imagine:  if 
those  in  favor  of  burning  the  big  institutions  of 
the  country  should  hold  up  their  hands,  you 
would  certainly  be  startled. 

8. 

I  know  the  poor  from  the  inside,  having  long 

been  one  of  them,  but  never  have  I  known  of  a 

law  oppressing  me  because  of  poverty;  on  the 

contrary,  I  have  always  observed  that  the  laws 

—  99  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

rather  gave  me  the  best  of  it.  I  have  not  en 
countered  in  a  long  life  a  generally  accepted  so 
cial  custom  intended  to  impose  on  the  poor;  on 
the  contrary,  custom  has  always  begged  me  to 
acquire  an  education,  and  offered  me  abundant 
and  honorable  opportunities  to  improve  my  finan 
cial  condition.  The  poor,  for  whom  there  is  so 
much  sympathy,  are  really  taking  the  country; 
their  children  are  usually  taught  industry,  and 
often  acquire  good  habits,  and  as  a  result  become 
rich.  Look  at  the  history  of  nearly  any  rich 
man;  you  will  find  he  began  on  the  very  lowest 
round  of  the  ladder.  On  the  other  hand,  the 
children  of  the  well-to-do  are  nearly  always 
spoilt,  and  consequently  make  a  failure  of  life. 
This  is  so  notoriously  true  that  Edward  Bok 
lately  wrote  a  book  entitled  "The  Blessing  of 
Poverty."  If  the  poor  of  this  country  are  being 
ground  down,  it  is  being  done  mainly  by  those 
who  came  up  from  poverty. 

9. 

I  don't  know  what  should  be  done  with  the 
man  who  cannot  get  a  job,  or  cannot  hold  one 
when  he  gets  it.     He  has  always  been  a  prob 
lem,  and  always  will  be,  on  the  hands  of  those 
—  100  — 


THE  POOR 


who  are  able  to  work.  But  I  do  not  believe  we 
should  hang  those  who  find  work,  and  who  per 
form  it  with  reasonable  satisfaction.  The  men 
who  find  work  are  very  largely  in  the  majority. 
They  are  responsible  for  every  creditable  insti 
tution  we  have;  for  every  school  house,  home, 
church,  university,  railroad  and  factory.  If  in 
a  community  there  are  a  thousand  people,  nine 
hundred  of  them  find  work  without  difficulty,  and 
progress  from  apprentices  to  journeymen,  fore 
men,  superintendents;  some  of  them  are  called 
as  general  managers.  The  nine  hundred  in 
clude  the  best  people  in  the  community;  they 
own  all  the  best  homes,  they  build  the  school 
houses  and  the  business  blocks,  waterworks,  light 
ing  plant  and  sewer  systems.  They  build  the 
factories  and  gradually  enlarge  them.  They 
have  moral  rules  and  enforce  them.  They  pro 
duce  the  newspapers,  and  their  sons  become  the 
lawyers  and  doctors.  Occasionally  one  of  them 
becomes  governor,  congressman,  or  judge.  I 
make  no  charges  against  the  hundred  unfor 
tunates;  but  I  do  insist  they  are  no  better  than 
the  nine  hundred  who  have  found  work,  and  at 
tend  to  it  with  regularity  and  patience.  I  insist 
that  the  morals  of  the  hundred  are  no  better  than 
—  101  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

the  average  morality  of  the  nine  hundred;  that 
the  nine  hundred  have  as  much  intelligence,  and 
are  as  patriotic  and  kind,  and  more  useful,  than 
their  unfortunate  neighbors,  the  minority.  I 
admit  that  among  the  nine  hundred  will  be 
found  many  who  will  cheat,  and  who  are  not  as 
truthful,  polite  or  moral  as  they  should  be,  but 
there  is  not  the  slightest  evidence  that  the  average 
among  them,  in  the  respects  named,  is  not  as 
high  as  among  the  hundred  who  live  in  little 
houses  down  by  the  depot,  or  in  little  houses 
scattered  around  the  town.  I  am  of  the  opin 
ion  that  the  average  of  intelligence  and  morality 
is  higher  among  the  nine  hundred  than  among 
the  one  hundred.  However,  I  do  not  insist  upon 
this,  but  certainly  no  one  will  deny  that  in  the 
respects  named  the  two  classes  are  at  least  equal. 
So  it  would  be  disastrous  to  turn  the  management 
of  affairs  over  to  the  hundred,  for  thereby  we 
should  gain  nothing  of  value,  and  lose  a  great 
deal  of  value.  This  plan  will  not  work;  we 
must  give  it  up. 

10. 

If  nine  men  out  of  ten  are  able  to  find  work, 
what  excuse  does  the  tenth  man  offer  that  he 
—  102  — 


THE   POOR 


cannot?  I  do  not  know;  I  have  never  talked 
with  the  tenth  man :  I  have  only  seen  his  wails  in 
print.  But  his  explanation  must  be  lame  in  some 
respect.  It  is  at  least  certain  that  the  tenth  man 
lives  after  a  fashion,  and  it  must  be  admitted 
that  the  little  work  he  does  get  comes  in  a  way 
from  those  who  have  themselves  found  work. 
The  employer  may  not  pay  enough,  but  he  pays 
something,  and  has  been  known  to  pay  wages  as 
high  as  ten,  twenty,  and  even  fifty  dollars  a  day 
for  good  work.  We  cannot  be  reasonably  ex 
pected  to  reduce  the  available  comforts  of  life, 
meager  enough  under  the  best  circumstances,  to 
oblige  those  who  will  not  make  reasonable  efforts 
to  secure  the  few  blessings  we  have.  The  little 
we  amount  to  is  due  to  the  efforts  of  the  ninety 
men  out  of  a  hundred,  and  we  simply  cannot 
agree  to  burn  our  houses  and  all  live  in  smaller 
and  less  comfortable  houses,  simply  to  oblige 
the  ten  per  cent  who  have  been  unable  to  find 
work.  Such  a  course  would  not  be  majority 
rule ;  it  would  violate  every  principle  of  common 
sense  and  fairness.  So  I  wish  the  unhappy  nine 
out  of  a  hundred  would  get  a  new  argument. 
The  argument  they  advance  has  not  only  become 
tiresome,  but  it  is  so  foolish  and  unfair  as  to  be 
—  103  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

a  clear  waste  of  time.  I  do  not  object  so  much 
to  the  speciousness  of  the  argument  as  I  object 
to  its  age. 

11. 

We  are  all  a  bad  lot,  but  the  workers  are  the 
best  of  a  bad  lot.  I  speak  of  the  average  man, 
and  the  average  man  has  a  reasonably  good  job, 
pays  his  debts,  maintains  a  family,  educates  his 
children,  and  manages  to  save  something.  It  is 
from  the  homes  of  the  average  men  that  come 
the  boys  who  distinguish  themselves,  and  make 
the  big  successes  which  irritate  us  all  so  much. 
It  is  from  the  homes  of  average  men  that  come 
the  good  girls  who  distinguish  our  womanhood. 

12. 

In  a  large  majority  of  cases  poverty  is  not 
due  to  injustice  or  low  wages,  but  to  shiftless- 
ness.  One  of  the  things  we  know  is  that  millions 
of  poor  men  in  the  United  States  have  become 
well-to-do  and  lived  respectable  and  useful  lives 
while  about  it.  This  means  that  there  are  no 
conditions  in  this  country  grimly  calculated  to 
keep  the  poor  down.  And  another  thing  must 
be  admitted:  every  poor  man  who  has  become 
—  104  — 


THE  POOR 


well-to-do  has  been  reasonably  industrious  and 
temperate,  and  reasonably  fair  and  polite;  not  a 
single  one  has  been  actually  shiftless.  We  have 
a  tremendous  number  of  men  who  are  successful 
in  a  greater  or  less  degree,  and  few  of  them  are 
particularly  brilliant.  So  don't  be  discouraged 
if  you  are  dull;  you  live  among  dull  people,  and 
their  processes  are  not  beyond  you.  There  are 
only  a  few  essentials  to  remember:  industry, 
temperance,  politeness,  fairness,  and  such  help 
fulness  in  community  and  world  affairs  as  is 
reasonably  possible.  It  doesn't  pay  to  be  too 
stingy;  and  it  doesn't  pay  to  be  too  liberal.  It 
doesn't  pay  to  be  too  mean;  and  it  doesn't  pay 
to  be  too  good. 


13. 

The  greatest  fallacy  of  all  time  is  that  the 
poor  man  need  do  nothing  to  help  himself;  that 
the  reformers  will  take  care  of  him  by  means  of 
resolutions  and  conventions.  The  poor  man,  in 
popular  literature,  has  never  been  to  blame  for 
anything,  particularly  for  his  poverty;  the  rich 
man  has  robbed  him,  and  there  is  nothing  to  do 
but  make  the  rich  man  give  it  back. 
—  105  — 


VENTURES   IN    COMMON    SENSE 

14. 

Benjamin  Franklin  is  quoted  as  saying: 
"After  seeing  European  civilizations,  I  would 
never  advise  an  American  Indian  to  become  civ 
ilized,  for  all  civilizations  seem  to  have  but  one 
object:  to  depress  the  multitude  in  order  to  exalt 
the  few."  Franklin  may  not  have  said  it;  men 
have  a  habit  of  inventing  sayings  by  Franklin, 
as  they  make  up  sayings  by  Lincoln.  But  if 
Franklin  said  it,  he  nodded  occasionally,  as  did 
Homer,  and  said  foolish  things.  The  object  of 
civilization  has  never  been  to  depress  the  multi 
tude  for  the  benefit  of  the  few;  the  contrary  is 
true,  and  he  who  does  not  know  it  is  a  poor  phi 
losopher,  whatever  his  name.  Civilization  has 
always  been  struggling  for  the  masses. 

15. 

Why  did  the  master  succeed  in  life  better  than 
the  servant?  You  know,  and  I  know,  that  so  far 
as  human  laws  go,  the  two  men  had  exactly  the 
same  chance;  but  Nature  gave  the  servant  a 
handicap  that  no  human  effort,  individual,  or 
combined,  can  remove.  The  master  made  his 
own  way;  the  servant  made  his:  we  fought  them 
—  106  — 


THE   POOR 


both,  but  were  unable  to  keep  the  better  equipped 
man  down.  It's  the  inexorable  rule,  and  we 
might  as  well  accept  it.  God  Almighty  did  it, 
and  He  will  play  the  same  trick  on  mankind  as 
long  as  time  endures. 


—  107  — 


VI 
BUSINESS 

1. 

The  first  principle  is  life;  the  second  is  main 
tenance  of  life.  The  thing  of  greatest  human  in 
terest  and  importance,  therefore,  is  the  produc 
tion  and  distribution  of  food,  the  manufacture 
of  necessities;  or  what  we  call  business.  Re 
ligion,  education,  art,  politics,  are  all  secondary 
to  it,  since  we  live  because  of  our  work;  and 
without  life  we  should  need  neither  salvation, 
learning,  literature,  nor  anything  else.  Business 
is  nothing  more  than  food-getting;  incidentally  it 
means  founding  a  home,  a  family,  assisting  in 
building  a  school,  a  road,  a  street,  and,  finally, 
appreciation  of  a  painting,  a  book  or  a  sermon. 

2. 

Of  living  creatures,  business  men  are  nearest 
sane;  their  philosophy  is  as  accurate  as  their 
multiplication  table. 

—  108  — 


BUSINESS 


3. 

If  you  can  forgive  the  magnificence  of  a  suc 
cessful  politician,  why  are  you  unable  to  forgive 
a  successful  business  man?  Every  time  I  strike 
a  match,  or  turn  an  electric  light*  button,  or  use 
the  telephone,  I  am  indebted  to  a  business  man, 
but  if  I  am  in  debt  to  any  politician,  I  do  not 
realize  it. 

4. 

All  should  have  ideals  they  cannot  quite 
reach;  all  should  be  a  little  high-minded,  and 
accomplish  some  of  the  greater  good,  but  it  is 
business  men  who  know  these  things  may  be 
made  professional  and  mischievous.  In  thou 
sands  of  years  there  has  been  no  advance  in  pub 
lic  morals,  in  philosophy,  religion  or  in  politics, 
but  the  advance  in  business  has  been  the  greatest 
miracle  the  world  has  ever  known. 

5. 

A  man  writes  me :  "We  hear  every  day  of  the 
tremendous  rascality  of  business  men."  Yes; 
and  in  many  cases  it  is  mere  idle  gossip.  If  a 
business  man  detects  a  customer  in  a  mean  trick, 
the  customer  gets  even  by  telling  what  a  great 
—  109  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

rascal  the  business  man  is.  ...  I  don't  deny 
that  a  thousand  tricks  are  played  every  hour  by 
business  men;  that  is  a  part  of  humanity,  but  I 
do  contend  that  the  better  class  business  men  are 
more  honest  than  the  average  of  men  in  other 
professions,  because  they  have  discovered  that 
honesty,  fairness  and  politeness  pay.  Millions 
of  others  have  not  yet  discovered  it. 

6. 

Of  all  our  citizens,  business  men  are  the 
shrewdest,  best  educated,  average  highest  in  all 
essential  particulars,  and  are  our  best  philoso 
phers.  By  business  men,  of  course,  I  mean  all 
those  who  engage  in  the  essential  callings  of  life: 
farmers,  bankers,  mechanics,  merchants,  manu 
facturers,  etc.  The  really  contemptible  bag  of 
tricks  is  the  collection  with  which  literary  men, 
artists,  preachers,  professors,  women  and  poli 
ticians  habitually  misrepresent  business  men. 
This  arraignment  of  the  superior  class  by  the  in 
ferior  class  is  mere  envy,  selfishness  and  mean 
ness.  One  of  their  favorite  arguments  is  that 
they  could  easily  make  a  fortune  if  they  were 
willing  to  adopt  the  "dirty  methods"  of  business; 
I  know  one  fellow  who  preached  this  doctrine  a 
—  110  — 


BUSINESS 


long  time,  finally  engaged  in  business,  and  within 
two  years  landed  in  jail.  You  know  of  such 
cases;  they  are  very  common.  Another  favorite 
statement  with  them  is  that  no  man  engaged  in 
business  can  be  honest.  This  they  harp  on  a 
great  deal,  although  it  is  notorious  that  the  great 
business  fortunes  have  been  made  by  superior 
fairness  and  politeness;  the  merest  amateur  in 
life  knows  that  honesty  is  the  first  essential  to 
success  in  life.  To  say  a  man  cannot  succeed  in 
business  honestly  is  as  absurd  as  to  say  a  woman 
cannot  succeed  in  life  unless  she  is  a  wanton. 
For  a  man  to  be  known  in  his  community  as 
tricky,  impolite  and  a  tippler  is  almost  as  seri 
ous  as  for  a  woman  to  have  a  child  out  of  wed 
lock.  The  world  demands  certain  things  of  the 
people,  and  it  punishes  men  as  freely  as  it  pun 
ishes  women:  there  is  said  to  be  a  double  stan 
dard,  but  there  isn't. 

7. 

The  business  man  knows  the  weakness  of 
propositions,  the  danger  signs,  the  failings  of 
men;  he  knows  how  much  statements  should  be 
discounted,  and  herein  lies  his  value  to  the  world. 
Business  men  have  as  beautiful  dreams  as  ar- 
—  111  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

tists,  but  they  have  learned  where  the  absurd 
begins. 

8. 

Every  great  improvement  in  the  world's  his 
tory  is  due,  directly  or  indirectly,  to  the  munifi 
cence  of  some  man  successful  in  the  world's  af 
fairs.  Every  great  charitable  institution  is 
founded  on  the  surplus  earnings  of  active  men 
who  did  good  while  earning  their  money,  and, 
having  learned  philanthropy,  closed  their  lives 
with  a  burst  of  it.  The  men  of  great  learning 
did  not  build  the  institutions  in  which  they  teach, 
although  nearly  all  of  them  unjustly  criticize  the 
men  who  did. 

9. 

Business  is  the  definition  of  the  greatest  of  all 
words,  Industry,  and  no  man  can  prove  he  is  in 
dustrious  unless  he  has  some  measure  of  success 
to  his  credit.  The  real  hero  is  the  man  who,  in 
spite  of  a  poor  home,  poor  schooling,  and  resi 
dence  in  a  poor  neighborhood,  becomes  a  suc 
cessful  and  useful  citizen ;  who  somehow  acquires 
politeness,  education,  and  appreciation  of  the 
world's  important  lessons.  The  real  meaning  of 
democracy  is  that  any  one  living  under  such  a 
government  may  become  a  gentleman;  that  all 
—  112  — 


BUSINESS 


have  the  privilege  of  outgrowing  ignorance,  poor 
birth,  poverty  and  incivility.  I  care  nothing  for 
the  accidental  rich,  but  for  those  good  workmen 
who  rise  by  sheer  merit,  I  have  honest  admira 
tion.  There  are  a  few  unworthy  sons  who  have 
inherited  wealth,  but  we  should  not,  because  of 
them,  unfairly  criticize  their  worthy  fathers,  who 
were  first  industrious,  fair  and  polite,  and  finally 
successful.  There  are  only  a  few  of  the  shoddy 
rich,  but  there  are  millions  rich  in  character, 
usefulness  and  industry,  and  with  enough  suc 
cess  to  their  credit  to  be  envied  by  the  shiftless. 
The  history  of  four  thousand  successful  Ameri 
can  business  men  being  investigated,  it  was  found 
that  all  but  seventeen  of  them  began  life  poor; 
that  all  but  a  pitiful  forty  contributed  largely  to 
their  several  communities.  So  it  seems  that  the 
great  American  rewards  are  for  the  sons  of  poor 
men  who  are  first  industrious,  well-behaved,  suc 
cessful,  and  then  as  useful  as  selfish  men  may  be 
come.  It  is  snobbery  to  pretend  that  character 
may  not  accompany  success.  The  talk  that  the 
greater  the  rogue  the  greater  the  fortune  origin 
ated  with  thieves,  and  they  have  failed  to  make 
their  doctrine  good. 

—  113  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

10. 

Look  at  the  average  community,  and  consider 
what  business  men  have  done  for  it;  the  teachers, 
preachers,  statesmen,  writers,  artists  and  orators, 
however  creditable  they  may  be,  have  not  done 
as  much.  Men  investigate  money  problems  with 
all  the  practical  sense  and  experience  at  com 
mand,  but  in  everything  else  they  are  sentimen 
tal;  and  sentiment  is  neither  honest  nor  careful. 
There  is  trickery  in  every  human  transaction, 
but  it  is  an  absurdity  to  believe  that  only  busi 
ness  is  tricky,  and  needs  watching.  Business  is 
the  most  dependable  thing  we  have  because  it  is 
watched  with  greatest  care,  and  because  busi 
ness  is  discovering  that  honesty  is  the  best  policy. 

11. 

Our  plan  of  permitting  the  industrious  to  ac 
cumulate  a  competence  is  right;  there  is  more  to 
it  than  the  fact  that  fortunes  are  made;  the  men 
who  make  money  are,  as  a  very  general  rule,  also 
capable,  industrious  and  useful,  and  our  most 
dependable  citizens.  There  are  objections  to  the 
system  which  permits  a  man  to  accumulate  more 
than  he  needs,  but  the  system  has  more  advan- 
—  114  — 


BUSINESS 


tages  than  disadvantages,  or  men  would  not  main 
tain  it  century  after  century.  First  among  its 
advantages  is  that  it  is  an  incentive  to  every  man 
to  become  a  respectable  and  useful  citizen.  The 
system  is  at  the  foundation  of  our  civilization, 
and  we  should  not  abolish  it  because  of  an  oc 
casional  fortune  put  to  bad  use.  For  every  for 
tune  wasted,  thousands  have  been  of  the  greatest 
service  to  humanity;  for  every  fortune  made  by 
speculation  bordering  on  dishonesty,  thousands 
have  been  made  by  useful  and  honest  work. 

12. 

Churches  and  conventions  have  fought  for  the 
inferior  man  since  time  began,  but  he  is  still 
where  he  was  at  the  beginning,  and  always  will 
be  unless  he  helps  himself,  which  he  may  usually 
do.  If  a  man  is  lazy,  shiftless  and  unreliable, 
there  is  no  power  on  earth  that  will  make  him 
prosperous  and  respected. 

13. 

We  do  not  cut  the  throats  of  successful  men 
and  divide  their  property  because  we  doubt  that 
it  is  the  best  way:  we  are  willing  to  do  it,  but 
—  115  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

have  a  suspicion  that  successful  men  are,  after 
all,  useful. 

14. 

I  believe  in  any  system  the  people  have  tried 
a  long  time,  and  found  expedient.  The  plans 
men  have  adopted  are  better  than  plans  they  have 
talked  about,  and  neglected  to  put  into  effect  be 
cause  of  doubts  of  their  utility.  There  is  some 
thing  wrong  with  every  doctrine  the  majority 
does  not  put  into  effect.  I  do  not  believe  that 
mankind,  after  experimenting  with  life  thousands 
of  years,  finally  adopted  the  worst  system,  and 
steadily  refuses  to  put  into  effect  a  better.  I 
am  a  believer  in  the  people.  Whatever  they 
have  worked  out  in  their  homes,  in  their  places 
of  business,  and  on  the  highways  and  markets,  I 
believe  in.  If  I  had  young  children,  I  should 
rather  have  them  taught  by  the  better  class  busi 
ness  men  than  by  statesmen,  orators  or  dreamers 
of  any  other  kind.  The  principles  of  business 
are  just;  they  give  every  man  the  same  chance; 
we  know  of  no  other  real  democracy.  Business 
is  fanatical  in  nothing.  The  superior  common 
sense  and  fairness  of  business  men  is  the  force 
that  will  finally  make  the  foolish  old  world  sensi 
ble,  in  case  such  a  thing  is  possible.  Give  a 
—  116  — 


BUSINESS 


politician  great  responsibility,  and  he  goes  crazy; 
the  same  test  sobers  a  business  man. 

15. 

Business  men  try  many  experiments,  and  re 
ject  those  that  fail.  Some  of  our  greatest  pests 
are  advocating  doctrines  that  should  have  been 
abandoned  centuries  ago,  because  of  flat  failure. 
The  world  is  compelled  to  admit,  after  centuries 
spent  in  searching  for  good  things,  that  most  good 
things  are  old. 


—  117  — 


VII 

LITERATURE 

1. 

A  writing  man  is  something  of  a  black  sheep, 
like  the  village  fiddler;  occasionally  the  fiddler 
becomes  a  violinist,  and  is  a  credit  to  his  family, 
but  as  a  rule  he  would  have  done  better  had  his 
tendency  been  toward  saving,  industry,  and  what 
we  call  business.  A  fiddler's  notions  about  prac 
tical  things  are  notoriously  bad;  the  notions  of 
a  writer  or  orator  are  apt  to  be.  When  you  go 
to  hear  a  fiddler  play,  you  do  not  seek  him  later, 
and  ask  his  advice  about  matters  of  real  mo 
ment;  you  know  he  is  notably  weak  in  such 
things:  for  advice  about  your  affairs  of  impor 
tance  you  call  on  a  banker,  merchant,  manufac 
turer,  farmer,  mechanic,  or  other  expert.  So  it 
doesn't  make  much  difference  what  the  literary 
men  say  in  their  writing;  their  idea  is  to  enter 
tain:  to  make  you  laugh,  or  cry,  or  indignant. 
For  instruction,  go  to  the  professors  in  the  Uni- 
—  118  — 


LITERATURE 


versity  of  Fact:  indeed,  you  needn't  go  to  them: 
they'll  look  you  up. 

2. 

There  is  a  great  library  of  books;  every  man 
of  reasonable  intelligence  will  look  into  it,  to 
see  what  it  contains  that  may  be  of  value  to  him. 
And  its  value  is  not  anywhere  near  as  great  as 
has  been  intimated;  probably  seven-tenths  of  it 
is  rubbish,  although  much  rubbish  is  curious  and 
interesting.  Select  the  wisest  and  best  man  in 
your  community,  and  he  knows  more  than  Adam 
Smith;  with  his  years  he  will  have  acquired  a 
practical  philosophy  better  fitted  to  your  needs 
than  the  philosophy  of  Marcus  Aurelius.  There 
are  a  number  of  things  you  do  not  know.  Who 
knows  it  better?  Those  who  have  lived  longer, 
had  more  experience,  and  have  greater  and 
clearer  brain  power.  And  there  are  plenty  of 
such  men  in  your  community  willing  to  talk,  if 
you  will  listen,  and  get  rid  of  the  disposition  to 
tell  what  you  think. 

3. 

A  certain  popular  type  of  book  never  changes, 
except  the  title  and  the  characters.  Some  of 
these  books  are  thousands  of  years  old:  others 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

only  a  few  weeks.  The  villain  is  a  rich  man 
who  robs  the  poor.  Does  a  poor  man  discover 
a  gold  mine,  or  other  valuable  thing?  The  rich 
man  no  sooner  hears  of  it  than  he  rides  over  in 
his  automobile,  or  is  carried  on  a  litter  by  slaves, 
and  takes  it.  No  formality;  he  simply  takes  it. 
Such  things  are  not  done:  I  have  lived  a  long 
time,  and  have  known  of  no  such  thing.  But 
that  is  always  the  way  the  book  states  it.  A 
poor,  honest  man  has  a  case  in  court,  with  jus 
tice  on  his  side.  His  opponent  visits  the  private 
office  of  the  judge  of  the  court  with  a  roll  of  bills, 
and  comes  out  with  a  sneer.  Next  day  justice  is 
trampled  in  the  dust  again.  In  my  life  I  have 
personally  known  no  judge  who  took  bribes. 
Many  of  them  were  swayed  by  popular  clamor, 
and  were  weak,  as  are  others,  but  they  have  been 
as  honest  as  the  rest  of  us;  very  much  more  hon 
orable  than  thousands  of  those  who  appear  be 
fore  them.  In  these  books,  the  hero  is  always 
the  same  thing:  a  Good  Man  whose  heart  is  sore 
because  of  the  distress  about  him.  And  there 
upon  he  becomes  an  idler,  and  makes  speeches, 
and  gets  into  trouble,  from  which  he  emerges 
triumphantly  (except  that  one  leg  is  gone;  shot 
off  by  Capital),  and  marries  a  lady  who  has 
—  120  — 


LITERATURE 


been  conducting  a  Mission,  and  doing  great  good 
down  in  the  slums.  I  know  no  such  man  or 
woman  in  the  life  I  have  lived,  and  I  have  always 
lived  with  good  people.  Usually  the  rich  vil 
lain  ruins  every  good  girl  he  takes  a  fancy  to, 
and  if  her  father  and  brothers  object,  he  slaps 
them;  in  some  of  the  older  books,  he  orders 
them  to  jail,  and  tortures  them;  this  theme  has 
been  used  hundreds  of  times,  and  is  always  false. 
In  the  life  I  have  known  and  lived,  when  a  girl 
is  ruined,  it  is  by  a  young  man  usually  as  worthy 
as  she  is,  and  he  is  made  to  marry  her.  And  if 
they  behave  thereafter,  the  people  respect  them, 
and  give  them  every  opportunity  to  live  it  down. 
If  the  rascal  is  married,  he  is  shot  by  a  father 
or  brother,  and  the  unwritten  law  releases  them. 
I  am  tired  of  such  books.  They  are  not  life; 
they  serve  no  decent  purpose;  they  annoy  me  as 
a  red  flag  annoys  a  bull.  By-the-way,  who 
knows  that  a  red  flag  annoys  a  bull?  We  are 
always  talking  about  it,  but  did  you  ever  per 
sonally  know  a  bull  to  take  after  anything  red? 

4. 

My  opinions  are  formed  not  because  of  what 
I  read,  but  because  of  what  I  have  experienced. 
—  121  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 
My  experiences  are  true;  what  I  read  may  not  be. 

5. 

There  was  a  time  when  the  people  said  of 
books:  "I  suppose  they  are  literature."  But 
lately  many  of  the  household  deities  of  long  ago 
have  been  voted  tiresome.  I  lately  saw  a  list  of 
twenty  books  that  some  noted  Professor  of  Litera 
ture  says  every  one  should  read,  but  practically 
no  one  reads  them.  Every  little  while  another 
man  decides  what  are  the  best  books.  Pay  no 
attention  to  him,  and  decide  yourself. 

6. 

The  very  best  books  never  inspire  me  as 
others  pretend  they  are  inspired  by  printed 
pages.  The  best  books  are  almost  an  annoy 
ance,  they  fall  so  far  short  of  what  good  books 
should  be.  I  have  waded  through  hundreds  of 
pages  of  standard  literature  without  finding  any 
thing  of  actual  value. 

7. 

The  reader  is  bold,  and  wants  a  spade  re 
ferred  to  as  a  spade,  but  the  writer  believes  it  is 
better  to  give  the  reader  mental  exercise  by  com- 


LITERATURE 


pelling  him  to  dig  for  the  meaning.  This  is  said 
to  be  the  excuse  for  the  study  of  Latin;  it  gives 
the  student  mental  exercise. 

8. 

Did  Shakespeare,  or  Goethe,  or  Whitman,  or 
Buddha,  or  Tolstoy,  or  Confucius,  or  Rousseau, 
ever  teach  you  as  important  lessons  as  you 
learned  from  your  parents,  from  your  worthy 
and  intelligent  neighbors,  from  the  leading  men 
of  practical  affairs  in  your  own  country  and  age? 
They  did  not,  and  you  know  it. 

9. 

We  hear  much  of  the  decline  of  Literature. 
There  is  a  good  deal  of  nonsense  in  the  talk.  I 
thank  the  gods  we  have  no  such  man  now  as 
Byron. 

10. 

Every  writer  tries  to  invent  sentences  that  will 
be  remembered  and  quoted,  without  regard  to 
their  truth. 

11. 

Successful  writing  is  saying  that  which  others 
wish  to  say,  but  cannot;  it  is  rarely  saying  that 
which  has  not  been  thought  of  before.     How 
—  123  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

often  you  think,  on  reading  a  striking  sentence: 
"I  have  thought  of  that  a  thousand  times!" 


12. 

I  admire  the  clever  writers,  and  am  enter 
tained  by  them.  But  I  deny  that  they  are  a 
moral  force;  they  are  mere  entertainers,  as  are 
strolling  players,  circus  performers  and  musi 
cians. 

13. 

I  do  not  believe  in  the  abomination  called 
New  Thought;  it  is  as  objectionable  in  philoso 
phy  as  rag  time  in  music.  Half  you  read  is 
literary  rag  time.  I  write  no  new  and  profound 
symphonies,  but  I  persistently  sing  the  old  songs 
the  world  has  accepted  as  a  basis  for  human 
conduct.  I  produce  no  literature,  thank  God; 
I  never  have  and  never  intend  to.  The  opinions 
I  express  are  not  mine:  they  are,  except  when  I 
am  mistaken  in  interpreting  history,  the  opinions 
of  the  world.  I  do  not  know  of  a  single  new 
thought  I  accept;  I  do  not  know  of  an  old  one 
I  reject,  if  it  has  been  accepted  many  years  by 
a  majority  of  the  men  of  intelligence.  An  opin 
ion  is  not  worth  the  breath  wasted  in  expressing 
—  124  — 


LITERATURE 


it  until  it  is  a  hundred  years  old.     And  there  is 
enough  proved  to  meet  all  requirements. 

14. 

Charles  Dickens  had  perfect  style,  unlimited 
imagination,  ready-made;  he  was  born  with  a 
certain  number  of  great  romances  in  his  system, 
as  a  hen  is  born  to  lay  a  certain  number  of  eggs. 
When  his  clutch  was  exhausted,  he  was  helpless 
as  a  hen  in  moulting  time:  old  and  exhausted, 
he  wrote  "Edwin  Drood,"  and  admirers  of  his 
genius  are  still  wondering  at  its  dullness,  com 
pared  with  "David  Copperfield,"  "Great  Expec 
tations,"  "Tale  of  Two  Cities,"  and  other  books 
written  in  his  prime.  He  was  so  smart  in  his 
best  days  as  to  be  almost  a  monstrosity:  the  term 
"average  man"  did  not  apply  to  him,  as  it  does 
to  you  and  to  me.  He  was  so  great  that  writers 
ever  since  his  time  have  been  envious;  in  every 
estimate  of  him  you  find  mean  digs  associated 
with  praise.  If  there  is  one  thing  greater  than 
well-directed  Effort  it  is  haphazard  Heredity. 
Not  only  poets  are  born,  rather  than  made:  all 
unusual  men  are.  Genius  is  like  lightning:  it 
is  apt  to  strike  anywhere :  few  great  geniuses  had 
great  parents. 

—  125  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

15. 

The  pen  is  not  mightier  than  the  sword;  and 
mightier  than  either,  and  more  necessary,  is  the 
hoe. 

16. 

No  man  may  write  interestingly  and  keep 
within  the  bounds  of  your  beliefs.  He  must 
occasionally  go  so  far  as  to  pleasantly  shock  you, 
and  cause  the  uncomfortable  feeling  that  a  good 
man  cannot  follow  him  all  the  way.  The  au 
thor  who  aims  to  write  nothing  offensive  to  any 
one  presently  writes  only  hymns  and  leaflets  ex 
plaining  the  Sunday  school  lesson;  and  then  only 
children  read  him;  and  they  read  him  because 
they  fear  they  will  be  scolded  if  they  do  not. 
Only  interesting  writers  are  actually  read.  But 
an  interesting  writer  with  wrong  opinions  is  not 
necessarily  mischievous.  If  I  come  across  a 
book  really  worth  while,  it  does  not  change  my 
beliefs;  if  the  author  attacks  an  opinion  I  hold, 
he  confirms  it,  and  I  have  the  added  pleasure  of 
thinking:  "Here  is  a  smart  man,  and  a  good 
writer;  but  how  blind  he  is  in  the  presence  of 
Truth!"  A  mere  book  or  newspaper  article  does 
not  change  your  opinions.  The  blood  you  in- 
—  126  — 


LITERATURE 


herited  has  much  to  do  with  them;  your  experi 
ences  in  life  gradually  form  them,  and  you  can 
not  change  in  an  hour  or  a  moment  to  oblige  a 
good  writer  or  talker.  So  I  beg  that  you  do  not 
neglect  good  writers  because  you  have  heard 
they  have  false  notions. 


—  127  — 


VIII 
PHILOSOPHY 

L 

Philosophy  is  common  sense.  If  it  isn't  com 
mon  sense,  it  isn't  philosophy. 

2. 

Every  man  must  build  up  a  philosophy  of 
tried  principles  he  can  rely  upon.  And  the 
strength  and  extent  of  his  philosophy  will  be  the 
measure  of  his  success  in  life.  His  limitations 
make  up  the  boundary  beyond  which  he  cannot 
go.  When  he  reaches  his  limit,  he  cannot  stop 
and  howl  for  assistance,  because  it  will  not  come. 
All  the  help  he  receives  must  come  from  him 
self.  And  the  first  principle  in  this  philosophy 
is  that  you  have  no  rights  you  do  not  enforce. 

3. 

I  don't  understand  causes  and  theories,  but 
when  the  same  things  happen  year  in  and  year 
out  in  my  life,  and  I  read  that  the  same  things 
—  128  — 


PHILOSOPHY 


have  happened  regularly  in  the  lives  of  others 
in  the  past,  I  am  finally  able  to  understand  re 
sults.  The  essential  facts  of  life  are  as  ap 
parent  as  that  people  eat  three  times  a  day. 
Quit  bothering  with  theory;  deal  with  results. 
Facts  honestly  and  intelligently  accepted  de 
velop  other  facts.  A  fairly  intelligent  man  may 
look  at  fifty  people  as  they  pass  him  on  the  street, 
and  tell  their  histories  close  enough  for  all  prac 
tical  purposes.  There  are  no  mysteries.  Where 
does  the  wind  come  from?  It  doesn't  matter: 
we  know  the  habits  of  wind  after  it  arrives. 

4. 

There  are  a  million  things  I  do  not  know,  but 
what  I  do  know,  I  must  know  for  myself.  And, 
as  I  am  selfish,  I  do  not  neglect  anything  that 
seems  to  be  true,  important  or  useful. 

5. 

What  is  philosophy  but  the  teaching  of  our 
oldest  and  best  men  and  women?  The  writing 
of  Socrates  is  nothing  save  the  best  teaching  of 
those  with  whom  he  associated;  I  have  read  his 
philosophy,  and  it  impressed  me  not  as  new  doc 
trine,  but  as  a  simple  repetition  of  what  I  have 
—  129  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

heard  from  the  best  of  my  associates  all  my  life. 
This  is  true  of  any  book  of  philosophy;  of  any 
clever  book:  the  author  learned  from  those 
around  him. 

6. 

When  I  think  of  the  wonderful  things  that  are 
undoubtedly  true,  and  of  the  wonderful  things 
yet  to  be  discovered,  I  not  only  blush  because  of 
the  little  I  know,  but  marvel  because  so  many 
people  manufacture  wonderful  experiences,  in 
stead  of  studying  the  wonders  that  are  undis 
puted.  If  we  love  the  wonderful  and  mysteri 
ous,  we  find  both  in  abundance  in  the  natural 
sciences.  One  of  the  world's  great  books  was 
written  about  a  country  community;  about  the 
natural  wonders  surrounding  a  village.  Within 
five  miles  of  where  you  live,  there  are  enough 
strange  things  to  keep  you  wondering  all  your 
life.  Probably  in  your  dooryard  may  be  found 
enough  to  employ  the  intellect  of  a  strong  man; 
one  of  the  great  discoveries  in  science  was  made 
by  a  man  in  cultivating  the  ordinary  garden  pea. 

7. 

The  word  philosophy  really  has  but  one  mean 
ing:  the  man  who  has  the  best  knowledge  that 
—  130  — 


PHILOSOPHY 


may  be  obtained  of  a  subject,  is  the  greatest 
philosopher  in  considering  that  subject. 


8. 

It  is  agreed  that  we  need  plain  living;  but  we 
need  plain  thinking  more,  since  it  will  generally 
lead  us  right  when  we  are  threatened  with  going 
astray.  Your  own  experience  is  worth  more 
than  the  philosophy  of  Immanuel  Kant,  and  doz 
ens  of  others  of  equal  note. 


9. 

An  example  of  foolish  philosophy  is  the  state 
ment  that  no  man  may  serve  God  and  Mammon. 
Every  man  serves  both;  there  is  no  other  way. 
The  word  Mammon  is  generally  abused:  it  means 
nothing  except  the  money  a  man  saves  to  send 
his  children  to  school,  to  build  a  home,  to  in 
crease  and  enlarge  his  business,  to  live  a  little 
more  comfortably  than  his  less  thrifty  neighbors. 
And  while  he  is  doing  this,  he  is  serving  God  ac 
ceptably.  Doing  a  good  is  a  side  issue;  no  man 
can  devote  all  his  time  to  it;  he  must  pay  a  good 
deal  of  attention  to  Mammon. 
—  131  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

10. 

Most  philosophers  are  poor;  so  most  of  them 
give  the  poor  the  best  of  it. 


11. 

I  am  never  much  of  a  philosopher  when  my 
luck  is  bad. 


12. 

The  chief  cause  of  our  troubles  to-day  is  that 
the  wisdom  of  our  wise  men  is  being  put  into  ef 
fect.  What  we  need  is  the  common  sense  of  the 
common  men. 

13. 

People  make  a  great  deal  of  the  word 
"thinker."  "He,"  they  say  of  some  one  they 
admire,  "is  a  thinker."  I  never  knew  a  man 
who  was  not.  Every  man  thinks  over  his  small 
affairs,  and  comes  to  certain  conclusions.  And 
that  is  all  there  is  to  philosophy.  The  trouble 
is,  few  men  think  as  clearly  and  sensibly  as  they 
are  capable  of  doing;  we  are  all  apt  to  be  stam 
peded  by  big  nonsense. 

—  132  — 


PHILOSOPHY 


14. 

Every  man  should  understand  that  of  certain 
things  it  may  be  said:  "This  is  true,"  and  that 
of  certain  other  things  it  may  be  said :  "This  is 
speculation." 


—  133 


IX 

NEWSPAPERS 

1. 

Editors  formerly  poor  are  now  rich  and  pow 
erful;  and  instead  of  being  dishonest  men,  they 
reek  with  virtue.  They  are  not  only  good  men; 
they  are  too  good;  they  demand  a  perfection  in 
business  that  they  do  not  equal  in  their  own  busi 
ness  offices.  It  is  absurd  to  say  that  these  pow 
erful,  rich  and  intelligent  editors  are  corrupt. 
They  are  as  honorable  in  their  dealings  as  other 
business  men;  but  their  greatness  and  power 
have  turned  their  heads,  and  they  have  become 
insolent  in  demanding  that  the  people  dance  at 
tendance  on  their  excessive  virtue  measures,  and 
give  freely  to  their  too-liberal  plans  for  com 
munity  and  social  betterment. 

2. 

Probably  the  most  insolent  American  is  the 
big  editor  who  has  acquired  a  big  circulation, 
—  134  — 


NEWSPAPERS 


a  big  advertising  patronage,  a  big  building,  and 
a  big  fortune.  Being  rich  himself,  he  advocates 
all  sorts  of  public  improvements,  that  they  may 
become  monuments  to  his  memory;  as  the 
preacher  insists  on  building  a  new  and  unneces 
sary  church  as  evidence  of  his  activity.  The 
big  editor  is  more  insolent  with  his  power  than 
the  rich  are  with  their  money,  and  pursues  his 
enemies  with  a  viciousness  that  will  in  time,  I 
hope,  be  prohibited.  He  is  the  patron  of  all 
other  visionary  ladies  and  gents,  and  joins  them 
in  private  consultations  about  the  slowness  of 
the  people,  and  their  lack  of  proper  enthusiasm. 
Although  always  praising  The  People  in  print, 
the  big  editor  really  feels  superior  to  them,  and 
harshly  criticizes  them  in  his  private  conferences 
with  fellow  uplifters. 


3. 

The  Sword  breaks  out  every  few  years,  and 
makes  trouble  for  awhile,  but  the  Pen  makes 
trouble  night  and  day,  and  cannot  be  suppressed 
or  curbed.  Is  the  Pen  mightier  than  the  Sword? 
It  was  the  Pen  that  suggested  armies,  navies,  and 
war. 

—  135  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

4. 

The  newspapers  exaggerate  the  poverty  of  the 
poor  and  the  riches  of  the  rich;  they  exaggerate 
the  importance  of  the  Old  Flag;  they  exaggerate 
the  importance  of  our  schools  and  churches,  the 
patriotism  of  old  soldiers,  and  the  importance 
of  a  Free  Press.  In  advocating  truth,  they  are 
untruthful;  in  advocating  justice,  they  are  un 
just;  in  teaching  fairness  they  are  unfair;  in 
their  eagerness  to  attack  wrong,  they  accuse  hon 
est  men  of  wrong  doing;  in  fighting  demagogues, 
they  become  demagogues;  in  sympathizing  with 
the  poor,  they  are  unjust  with  those  who  have 
worked  their  way  out  of  poverty,  and  are  the 
best  friends  of  the  poor;  in  their  devotion  to  the 
public,  they  often  demand  so  much  as  to  become 
enemies  of  the  public. 

5. 

People  dearly  love  the  newspaper  story  that 
a  poor  man  was  sent  to  the  penitentiary  for  steal 
ing  a  loaf  of  bread,  with  which  to  feed  his  starv 
ing  wife  and  children;  and  the  story  is  printed 
regularly,  although  no  such  incident  ever  oc 
curred.  There  never  was  a  court  or  jury  that 
—  136  — 


NEWSPAPERS 


would  impose  such  a  sentence;  there  never  was 
a  baker  who  would  prefer  such  a  charge,  or  a 
prosecuting  attorney  who  would  prosecute  it; 
there  never  was  a  policeman  who  would  arrest 
a  man  for  such  an  offense. 

6. 

A  few  years  ago  Yellow  Journalism  was  re 
garded  as  piffle;  as  a  fad  that  would  soon  die  out. 
It  is  an  accepted  fact  now  that  all  journalism  is 
yellow. 

7. 

The  most  violent  abuse  is  found  in  print. 
The  editor  who  abuses  public  men,  the  street 
railway,  the  electric  lighting  company,  or  other 
public  service  corporation,  writes  it:  he  does  not 
tell  his  enemies  to  their  faces  that  they  are 
thieves,  for  that  course  might  result  in  a  knock 
down.  The  public  speaker  is  usually  compli 
mentary;  he  talks  face  to  face  with  his  victims, 
and  runs  no  unnecessary  risks.  But  the  man 
who  writes  in  a  secluded  room,  gradually  in 
creases  in  violence  until  you  wonder  some  one 
does  not  assault  him.  The  abuse  in  print,  ter 
rific  and  untruthful,  and  which  attracts  no  pro- 
—  137  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

test,  is  one  of  the  amazing  things  of  the  present 
time. 

8. 

The  liberty  of  the  press  you  are  so  fond  of 
has  become  nothing  but  liberty  for  writers  to 
abuse  you  for  not  carrying  out  schemes  often 
foolish.  For  most  martyrs  and  reformers  are 
writers;  every  big  feeling  theorist  drifts  inev 
itably  into  the  writing  game,  where  the  liberty 
of  the  press  protects  him  in  his  vicious  assaults 
on  the  people. 

9. 

We  Americans  talk  a  great  deal  about  our  in 
telligence.  Have  you  not  observed  that  we  are 
really  much  like  parrots?  Go  on  the  streets, 
into  an  office,  a  railway  coach,  a  home,  a  shop, 
or  stop  a  farmer  on  the  highway,  and  you  hear 
precisely  the  same  talk.  Something  a  noted 
orator  has  said ;  something  an  editor  has  written : 
Nothing  the  talkers  have  thought  or  believe. 
From  Maine  to  California  it  is  the  same  thing; 
no  one  has  an  opinion  not  supplied  by  the  news 
papers.  The  editors  are  as  bad  as  the  people. 
I  can  show  you  examples  of  every  newspaper 
and  magazine  in  the  United  States  printing  ex- 
—  138  — 


NEWSPAPERS 


actly  the  same  things.  In  all  big  cities,  where 
two  or  more  newspapers  receive  the  same  Asso 
ciated  Press  report,  carbon  sheets  are  placed  be 
tween  thinner  sheets,  and  the  telegraph  man,  with 
one  operation,  takes  a  copy  for  all  the  papers  in 
terested.  These  copies  are  called  flimsy.  That's 
what  the  people  get  from  Maine  to  California: 
flimsy.  The  sayings  of  the  chiefs  are  prepared 
in  New  York  or  Washington;  we  all  get  flimsy 
copies,  and  accept  their  ideas;  we  do  not  seem 
to  have  any  of  our  own.  The  chiefs  decide  that 
a  certain  thing  should  be  done.  Orders  go  out 
to  the  people  in  flimsy,  and  next  day,  in  every 
office,  home,  shop,  factory,  street  and  highway, 
the  people  talk  about  the  order,  and  arrange  to 
carry  it  out.  If  the  people  are  slow  in  obeying 
the  order,  Committees  are  appointed  to  bullyrag 
them.  The  newspapers  print  their  names  in  big 
type  as  slackers,  and  they  are  displayed  in  yellow 
on  big  boards  erected  in  prominent  places. 

10. 

People  have  been  saying  for  years  of  Social 
ism:     "It  is  bound  to  come."     They  haven't  dis 
cussed  whether  Socialism  is  a  good  or  bad  thing: 
they  have  only  discussed  the  certainty  that  it  is 
—  139  — 


VENTURES   IN    COMMON   SENSE 

bound  to  come,  because  the  flimsy  said  so.  All 
the  people  know  of  Socialism  is  that  it  is  in  the 
flimsy  every  day,  has  been  a  long  time,  and  is 
bound  to  come.  It  never  occurs  to  them  that 
they  have  a  right  to  decide  whether  Socialism 
shall  come  or  not;  it  never  occurs  to  them  to 
doubt  what  the  flimsy  says,  or  that  the  flimsy  may 
have  a  wrong  opinion.  So  they  repeat  every 
where:  "It  is  bound  to  come."  Under  such 
circumstances,  of  course,  it  is  bound  to  come, 
whether  it  is  a  good  or  a  bad  thing. 

11. 

Every  day  the  flimsy  announces  public  ex 
travagances  that  cause  conservative  men  alarm; 
extravagances  unnecessary,  foolish — a  mere 
waste  of  money  collected  from  an  over-burdened 
people.  Some  one  decides  on  these  programs 
of  waste,  the  announcement  is  put  in  the  flimsy, 
the  people  talk  about  it,  and  that  is  all  there  is 
of  it.  You  think  you  are  a  free  citizen  of  a  free 
republic.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  the  flimsy  tells 
you  what  to  say,  and  you  say  it;  the  flimsy  tells 
you  what  to  do,  and  you  do  it.  We  should  quit 
a  lot  of  nonsense,  but  instead  the  flimsy  is  order 
ing  new  nonsense  every  day. 
—  140  — 


NEWSPAPERS 


12. 

Many  newspaper  statements  begin:  "It  is 
said — "  And  everybody  knows  anything  may 
be  said. 

13. 

A  few  years  ago  the  town  in  which  I  live  paid 
$1.50  a  thousand  feet  for  manufactured  gas. 
Then  natural  gas  was  discovered,  and  the  price 
reduced  to  twenty-five  cents,  with  free  gas  to 
schools  and  city  buildings.  Gas  at  twenty-five 
cents  was  a  great  blessing;  as  low  a  price  as  the 
distributing  company  could  afford.  And  we 
had  a  contract  covering  twenty  years.  But 
within  a  very  short  time  the  newspapers  began 
referring  to  the  gas  company  as  a  Grasping  Mo 
nopoly.  The  politicians  at  once  saw  the  oppor 
tunity  to  raise  another  disturbance,  and  accepted 
it:  the  politicians  can  do  nothing  without  the 
newspapers.  The  gas  company  was  helpless;  it 
was  attacked  by  a  mob,  and  the  result  was  that 
the  company  went  into  the  hands  of  receivers. 

Then  began  a  reign  of  corruption  unexampled 

in  history.     It  is  estimated  that  the  receivership 

cost  a  half  million  dollars.     Scores  of  lawyers 

had  a  hand  in  the  robbery.     At  one  time  three 

—  141  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

different  receivers  were  acting,  and  each  re 
ceiver  had  attorneys  representing  his  interests. 
The  case  was  heard  in  twelve  different  courts, 
and  extravagant  costs  accumulated  in  each. 
One  judge  allowed  receivers  and  lawyers  such 
extravagant  fees  that  the  governor  of  the  State 
referred  to  him  in  a  public  speech  as  a  thief. 
In  the  fight  against  the  Natural  Gas  Company  I 
have  never  known  more  perfect  devotion  to  the 
people's  interests  than  was  shown  by  the  news 
papers  and  politicians  of  all  three  parties. 
They  devoted  their  best  energies  to  an  effort  to 
reduce  rates;  they  abused  the  gas  company  as 
fiercely  and  unjustly  as  any  reasonable  man 
could  ask;  they  did  all  it  is  within  the  power  of 
earnest  reformers  to  do;  they  "put  ideals  into 
public  life,"  as  the  Good  Man  is  forever  saying 
all  should  do. 

And  it  may  be  added  that  the  people  did  their 
part;  they  held  mass  meetings  to  view  with  alarm 
the  slow  advance  of  corporate  greed;  they  re 
warded  several  of  the  most  active  champions  in 
the  fight  for  the  people's  rights:  I  know  of  noth 
ing,  indeed,  that  the  people,  the  reformers  or  the 
representatives  of  a  free  and  untrammeled  press 
neglected  in  their  efforts  to  secure  gas  at  less 
—  142  — 


NEWSPAPERS 


than  twenty-five  cents  per  thousand.  The  best 
fight  that  could  be  made  was  made;  therefore  let 
us  calmly  look  over  the  battlefield  of  this  par 
ticular  Armageddon,  at  the  end  of  three  years 
of  struggle. 

The  editors  and  the  reformers  have  received 
their  reward ;  either  they  got  part  of  the  half  mil 
lion  dollars  the  people  paid  as  the  expense  of  the 
row  and  the  receiverships,  or  they  have  the  satis 
faction  of  a  good  fight  well  fought;  but  what 
have  we,  the  People,  to  show  for  it?  Nothing 
whatever  except  that  we  are  now  paying  78  in 
stead  of  25  cents  per  thousand  for  gas,  with  a 
prospect  of  a  still  further  advance. 


143  — 


X 

PROFESSORS 

1. 

We  have  many  thousands  of  modest  and  use 
ful  teachers  who  attend  quietly  to  their  business, 
and  have  great  influence  at  the  fountain  head  of 
character  and  learning.  All  these  I  respect  and 
admire.  But  I  scarcely  know  a  writing  profes 
sor  who  is  not  a  dangerous  disturber;  more  dan 
gerous  than  the  ordinary  Anarchist,  because 
more  respectable.  These  professors  write  al 
most  exactly  alike:  they  demand  the  same  big 
programs.  A  few  are  able  to  rattle  the  chains 
a  little  more  effectively  than  others,  but  in  the 
main  their  writing  is  about  the  same :  you  cannot 
tell  one  essay  from  another.  If  you  read  what 
one  writing  professor  says  about  the  slavery  ex 
isting  in  this  country,  it  is  practically  what  they 
all  say. 

2. 

Every  man  who  has  received  the  Higher  Edu 
cation  is  resentful  because  it  has  not  done  as 
—  144  — 


PROFESSORS 


much  for  him  as  he  has  always  believed  it 
would  do.  The  truth  is,  unless  a  lot  of  practical 
sense  is  mixed  with  an  education,  it  is  of  no 
great  value.  I  have  observed  that  the  really 
great  men  of  learning  also  have  much  practical 
sense,  and  that  their  practical  sense  is  of  the 
greater  value.  The  best  educated  person  I  ever 
knew  made  a  complete  failure  of  life. 

3. 

In  his  writing  the  professor  is  able  to  quote 
the  original  Greek  or  Hebrew — by  referring  to 
his  books — but  I  know  plenty  of  men  who  do  not 
even  use  capital  letters  or  punctuation  marks 
properly  who  know  more  of  importance,  and  who 
have  accomplished  more.  There  are  plenty  of 
men  who  know  little  grammar  or  Greek,  or  He 
brew,  but  who  know  life,  and  who  have  as  good 
hearts  and  heads  as  the  most  accomplished 
scholars,  and  know  vastly  more  of  the  whirlpool 
in  which  we  exist. 

4. 

Only  one  man  out  of,  say,  a  dozen  makes  a 
success  of  an  education.     It  is  a  mistake  to  sup 
pose  that  a  man  is  educated  because  he  has  spent 
—  145  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

a  long  time  in  college.  I  have  personally  known 
many  men  who  spent  years  at  the  best  educa 
tional  institutions  who  were  the  dullest  men,  and 
the  least  educated  men,  in  their  communities. 
Occasionally  a  man  remembers  most  of  the  col 
lege  teaching  he  has  been  exposed  to,  and  be 
comes  a  teacher,  but  even  then  he  is  not  always 
accepted  as  a  tower  of  intellectual  strength  in  his 
community.  It  often  happens  that  men  who 
have  never  been  to  college  are  thought  as  well  of, 
or  better,  and  are  actually  as  useful. 


5. 

I  do  not  doubt  the  importance  of  a  college 
education,  but  I  do  doubt  that  after  a  man  has 
acquired  one,  he  is  directed  by  heaven  to  rule 
adults  as  he  rules  children  in  his  classes. 


6. 

I  have  never  known  a  university  professor  to 
be  decently  fair  in  his  comments  upon  those  who 
succeed  except  as  teachers  or  writers;  they  are 
as  bitter  as  theologians  because  of  lack  of  suc 
cess.  Members  of  both  classes  knew  what  they 
were  doing  when  they  began  learning  their 
—  146  — 


PROFESSORS 


trades.  They  had  a  choice  of  professions,  as 
other  men  have.  It  is  their  own  fault  that  they 
chose  theology  or  professorial  careers.  They 
knew  they  are  not,  as  a  rule,  well  paid.  And, 
having  chosen  their  beds,  they  should  lie  on 
them  with  more  grace. 

7. 

Martyrs,  reformers,  professors,  poets,  Christs, 
Buddhas,  Mahomets,  writers,  have  finally  be 
come  oppressors;  they  have  preached  foolish 
propaganda  until  the  rights  of  the  people  have 
been  infringed.  Many  things  done  by  these  peo 
ple  are  an  insult  to  the  boast  that  we  have  free 
dom;  many  things  they  have  led  us  into  throw 
doubt  on  the  statement  that  we  possess  ordinary 
intelligence.  Martyrs,  reformers,  welfare  work 
ers,  theorists,  over-educated  fools  of  universities, 
writers,  and  saviors  of  one  kind  and  another, 
have  become  meaner  masters  than  the  old  kings 
ever  were;  their  expensive  and  foolish  experi 
ments  more  burdensome  than  the  old  kingly  ex 
travagance,  and  the  only  hope  for  relief  is  for 
the  plain  people  to  assert  their  better  intelligence 
and  morals. 

—  147  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

8. 

It  is  the  duty  of  certain  people  to  teach  music, 
literature,  painting,  psychology,  sentiment,  ideal 
ism.  It  is  the  duty  of  certain  other  people  to 
teach  farming,  the  trades,  commerce,  law, 
finance,  sociology,  philosophy.  Of  the  two, 
those  in  the  second  class  are  rather  more  vital 
than  those  in  the  class  first  named.  And  those 
in  the  second  class  owe  a  duty  to  the  young  quite 
as  vital  as  those  in  the  first  class.  The  young 
lady  in  the  parlor  taking  a  music  or  drawing  les 
son  is  not  as  important  in  the  family  life  as  her 
mother,  who  is  in  the  kitchen  preparing  dinner. 
The  mother  knows  it;  she  should  not  submit  to 
being  browbeaten. 


9. 

Speaking  for  myself  I  am  becoming  tolerably 
tired  of  professors  intimating  that  I  am  sordid 
and  stingy,  and  have  no  ambition  for  world  bet 
terment  or  progress,  and  that  they  must  direct  me, 
and  decide  on  the  taxes  I  must  pay  to  carry  out 
their  plans.  I  have  been  drilled  in  the  old- 
fashioned  notions  of  liberty  and  majority  rule 
until  I  believe  in  them,  and  have  come  to  feel 
—  148  — 


PROFESSORS 


very  strongly  that  I  should  have  something  to 
say  about  my  own  affairs,  if  not  about  public  af 
fairs. 

10. 

A  man  whose  genius  runs  to  the  ability  to  ac 
quire  great  knowledge  and  speak  many  lan 
guages  is  rarely  a  philosopher.  The  thinker 
cannot  devote  all  his  time  to  acquiring  the  great 
fund  of  information  a  teacher  must  possess.  A 
philosopher  need  not  be  a  scholar:  Epictetus 
was  not  only  an  unlearned  man,  but  a  slave. 
The  effort  necessary  to  acquire  a  great  educa 
tion,  drives  out  something  else.  The  unlearned 
are  sometimes  very  capable.  The  Arabs  had 
little  education,  but  they  came  near  capturing 
the  civilized  world  at  one  time ;  they  would  have 
done  it,  probably,  had  they  not  weakened  them 
selves  by  adopting  the  bad  habits  of  educated 
men.  So  if  you  haven't  an  "education,"  don't 
be  discouraged.  Pick  up  a  little  information 
every  day,  and  you'll  soon  know  enough  to  get 
along  better  than  a  school  teacher. 

11. 

For  centuries  we  have  been  told  that  there  is 
not  enough  idealism  in  the  world.     There  is  at 
—  149  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

least  enough  now;  I  sometimes  fear  too  much. 
In  the  old  days  of  chivalry,  mad  knights  rode 
madly  at  imaginary  dragons,  and  became  so 
much  of  a  nuisance  that,  with  a  book,  a  witty 
writer  laughed  them  out  of  existence;  but  at  least 
the  Knights  of  the  past  did  their  own  fighting 
and  paid  their  own  expenses,  whereas  the  modern 
knights  call  on  the  people  to  pay  the  cost  of  new 
crusades  undertaken. 

12. 

It  is  proper  that  the  professors  tell  the  facts 
they  encounter  in  their  studies,  but  they  should 
permit  the  people  to  draw  their  own  conclusions. 
Educated  men  are  useful  because  of  the  facts 
they  are  familiar  with;  most  of  them  fall  into 
the  error  that  their  opinions  of  the  facts  are  as 
important  as  the  facts  themselves.  Let  a  care 
ful  man  propose  conservative  common  sense, 
and  at  once  the  Intellectuals  are  on  his  back, 
with  charges  of  stinginess,  meanness,  and  lack  of 
appreciation  of  Democracy,  Christianity,  and  of 
the  home  and  fireside. 

*v 

13. 

The  world  has  always  been  oppressed  with 
Big   Questions.     To   all  intents   and   purposes, 
—  150  — 


PROFESSORS 


there  are  none;  anything  too  big  for  the  people 
to  understand  doesn't  make  any  difference.  I 
do  not  understand  Greek;  very  well,  I  have  no 
use  for  it.  If  a  man  will  gain  a  reasonable  un 
derstanding  of  the  subjects  within  reach,  and 
practice  them  with  common  sense  and  in  the 
light  of  experience,  the  big  things  they  discuss 
do  not  actually  concern  him.  What  is  beyond 
the  Milky  Way?  I  don't  know;  but  it  doesn't 
make  any  difference  to  little  you  or  me:  the  an 
swer  does  not  concern  us.  Some  know,  but  the 
knowledge  is  of  no  practical  use,  and  gives  them 
no  advantage;  while  astronomers  have  been 
learning  what  is  beyond  the  Milky  Way,  you 
have  been  learning  something  else  of  greater  or 
equal  value.  Why  do  the  seasons  change?  It 
is  enough  to  know  they  always  do.  The  things 
of  actual  importance  are  simple,  and  easily  un 
derstood. 


—  151 


XI 

THE  PEOPLE 

1. 

I  have  observed  that  The  People  are  classified 
in  two  ways.  When  the  statesmen  and  critics 
want  to  gain  their  consent  to  a  big  measure,  they 
tell  how  noble,  liberal,  high-minded,  patriotic, 
self-sacrificing,  progressive  and  good  The  Peo 
ple  are.  But  when  the  big  program  has  been 
agreed  upon,  and  money  must  be  provided  to 
carry  it  out,  the  tone  of  the  statesmen  and  critics 
changes;  they  tell  how  slow,  mean,  narrow, 
sordid  and  unprogressive  The  People  are.  .  .  . 
The  explanation  is,  I  think,  that  every  man  be 
lieves  he  belongs  to  the  class  first  named  and 
that  his  neighbors  belong  to  the  mean,  unpro 
gressive,  narrow,  stingy  party.  State  a  big  com 
pliment  for  the  people,  and  every  man  will  ex 
tract  his  share  of  it;  abuse  the  people,  and  every 
man  will  place  the  blame  on  his  neighbors. 
—  152  — 


THE   PEOPLE 


2. 

The  people  have  every  right  they  are  entitled 
to,  for  the  reason  that  they  have  all  they  can  get. 

3. 

We  are  always  talking  about  equality  and 
democracy.  How  much  do  we  believe  in  it? 
Isn't  it  a  fact  that  nearly  everybody  feels  su 
perior  to  somebody?  Do  you  suppose  for  a  mo 
ment  that  your  great  statesman,  author,  artist,  or 
commercial  chief  doesn't  feel  superior  to  those 
who  made  him  famous?  If  we  really  believed 
in  democracy,  we  would  not  pay  a  farm  hand 
(as  we  used  to)  $30  a  month  and  board,  and  a 
congressman  $600  a  month. 

4 

I  can't  give  the  man  working  for  me  as  much 
as  he  thinks  he  is  entitled  to:  I  can  only  pay 
him  what  he  earns,  and  my  obligation  to  him  is 
no  greater  than  his  obligation  to  me.  I  am  en 
titled  to  as  much  credit  for  giving  him  work  as 
he  is  entitled  to  credit  for  working;  I  am  as 
much  a  working  man  as  he  is,  as  honest,  and 
equally  entitled  to  protection  and  respect. 
—  153  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

5. 

There  may  have  been  a  time  when  employers 
were  over-bearing,  but  they  are  not  now;  they 
have  been  punished  so  much  that  in  nine  cases 
out  of  ten  they  are  willing  to  make  every  possi 
ble  concession. 

6. 

I  do  not  object  to  labor  unions,  although  I  do 
not  believe  they  are  as  useful  as  is  generally  be 
lieved;  anyway,  when  I  belonged,  they  did  me 
no  good.  I  have  been  treated  as  unfairly  by 
my  union  as  I  have  ever  been  treated  by  an  em 
ployer.  Union  men  have  cliques,  and  the  weak 
are  oppressed.  .  .  .  My  contention  is  that  the 
labor  unions  are  over-doing  a  good  idea,  as  every 
other  good  idea  is  overdone.  Many  of  its  poli 
cies  have  become  unfair. 

7. 

The  most  persistent  scream  to-day  is: 
"Shorter  hours."  What  we  need  is  not  shorter 
hours,  but  longer  hours.  No  man  can  make  a 
real  success  in  life  working  short  hours;  every 
man  who  gets  along  in  any  calling  works  more 
than  union  hours.  Short  hours  is  the  trouble 
—  154  — 


THE  PEOPLE 


with  most  people  who  do  not  get  along.  Inves 
tigate  the  men  in  the  bread  line,  and  you  will 
find  this  is  the  trouble:  short  hours  of  work,  and 
long  hours  of  dissipation. 

8. 

When  I  am  on  my  death  bed,  I  shall  feel  grati 
tude  for  many  favors.  My  life  has  not  been 
satisfactory,  but  I  know  I  have  been  favored  a 
thousand  times.  I  have  always  had  abundant 
opportunity  to  do  better  than  I  have  done;  my 
failure  is  my  own  fault,  not  the  world's.  In  the 
main,  the  people  have  been  as  just  with  me  as 
I  have  been  with  them.  I  have  been  compelled 
to  watch  them;  they  have  been  compelled  to 
watch  me.  The  closer  I  have  been  watched,  the 
better  I  have  behaved.  And  you've  had  the  same 
history.  In  spite  of  the  curse  of  life,  I  have 
found  much  in  it  to  admire.  Most  assuredly 
I  have  never  lacked  opportunity.  There  has 
never  been  any  discrimination  against  me.  And 
something — luck,  nature,  God — has  saved  me 
from  a  thousand  beatings  when  I  deserved  them. 

9. 

All  of  us  receive  much  kindness  and  apprecia- 
—  155  — 


VENTURES   IN   COMMON   SENSE 

tion  for  every  vicious  attempt  to  do  us  harm. 
Very  many  of  us  are  tiresome;  we  talk  too  much; 
many  are  slow  about  paying  their  bills;  probably 
all  give  themselves  the  best  of  it  in  small  things, 
and  few  of  us  do  as  well  as  we  might.  We  are 
gossipy,  and  tell  white  lies;  we  haven't  as  much 
sense  and  thrift  as  we  should  have,  but  I  have 
never  in  my  life  been  robbed -by  a  real  thief.  I 
have  been  wronged  in  little  ways  frequently,  but 
could  have  avoided  most  of  that  had  I  been  care 
ful.  A  just  criticism  of  people  is  that  they  are 
guilty  of  many  little  follies  and  meannesses  they 
might  reform  to  their  own  advantage,  but  those 
who  do  not  balk  at  the  jail  or  open  disgrace  are 
rare. 

10. 

There  are  so  many  critics  in  the  press  and  on 
the  platform  that  heaven  knows  enough  fault  is 
found  with  the  people.  The  really  unusual 
thing  is  a  compliment  without  a  string  to  it. 
And  there  are  a  million  things  to  compliment  un 
reservedly.  In  the  storm  of  indignation  and 
fault-finding,  you  often  are  almost  shocked  to 
see  thousands  of  decent  men  and  women,  or  com 
munities  that  are  upright  and  progressive,  and 
—  156  — 


THE   PEOPLE 


institutions  honestly  and  progressively  managed. 
There  is  so  much  fault-finding  that  you  expect 
to  find  the  country  going  to  the  devil,  and  thieves 
and  incendiaries  on  every  street  and  cross  road. 
People  actually  find  too  much  fault  with  them 
selves  and  their  affairs.  There  is  actually  much 
to  commend  everywhere. 


11. 

You  often  hear  people  say,  "The  Kicker  al 
ways  gets  the  best  of  it."  The  Kicker  is  a  man 
who  is  always  demanding  more  than  is  properly 
coming  to  him,  and  who  is  often  given  an  extra 
herring  to  get  rid  of  his  noise;  but  there  is  noth 
ing  in  the  popular  belief  that  he  gets  the  best  of 
it.  He  may,  in  small  things,  but  the  best  men 
in  your  community  are  not  Kickers;  no  man 
ever  made  a  fortune  by  Kicking.  Fortunes  are 
made  by  men  who  are  polite  and  agreeable.  A 
Kicker  is  a  man  marked  in  every  community  to 
be  avoided,  and  given  the  worst  of  it  whenever 
possible.  A  Kicker  may  be  given  three  for  a 
quarter  when  the  regular  price  is  ten  cents 
straight,  but  he  can't  kick  his  way  into  a  big 
position  or  into  real  success  in  anything. 
—  157  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

12. 

What  is  the  particular  thing  the  people  are 
doing  that  is  most  harmful  and  foolish?  It 
would  be  interesting  to  know,  but  probably  we 
never  will  know,  since  what  some  say  is  civiliza 
tion's  greatest  blessing,  others  say  is  its  greatest 
curse.  So  every  one  must  decide  for  himself; 
and  woe  unto  him  who  makes  a  mistake. 


13. 

Most  of  the  talk  about  helping  the  under  dog 
is  sentiment;  the  under  dog  does  not  actually  re 
ceive  much  help. 


14. 

I  should  like  to  see  the  people  support  some 
thing  without  being  driven  to  it.  Imagine  the 
people  generally  saying  a  twenty  million  dollar 
fund  is  needed  for  the  Y.  W.  C.  A.  because  of 
the  importance  of  its  work.  Imagine  them 
agreeing  on  a  treasurer  of  the  fund,  and  volun 
tarily  sending  in  subscriptions  for  the  full 
amount!  When  this  happens,  I  shall  believe 
many  things  I  do  not  now  believe. 
—  158  — 


THE   PEOPLE 


15. 

The  best  people  of  this  country  are  really  as 
cowardly  as  they  claim  to  be  brave;  that  which 
is  accepted  as  friendly  public  sentiment  by  agi 
tators,  is  frequently  only  cowardice.  Every 
time  there  is  useless,  unfair  and  damaging  riot 
ing,  the  Good  Citizen  remains  indoors,  hoping 
that  the  trouble  will  "blow  over."  But  the  tough 
citizen  is  on  the  street,  yelling,  breaking  win 
dows,  and  stoning  or  shooting  whoever  is  not  on 
his  side. 

16. 

In  this  land  of  plenty,  we  die  of  over-eating, 
and  call  it  Starvation. 


17. 

Every  good  citizen  not  only  takes  care  of  him 
self  and  others,  but  does  something  for  the  gov 
ernment.  The  man  who,  on  leaving  school, 
learns  a  trade  or  calling,  and  advances  in  it; 
who  learns  the  importance  of  politeness  and  fair 
ness;  who  marries,  and  looks  after  his  family; 
who  assists  a  little  in  the  general  progress;  who 
builds  a  house  or  factory  or  improves  a  farm; 
—  159  — 


VENTURES   IN   COMMON   SENSE 

who  learns  a  little  every  year;  who  is  not  a  nui 
sance  to  others,  but  of  some  help  to  others,  has 
been  successful. 

18. 

We  Americans  have  boasted  so  much  of  Free 
dom  that  lately  we  almost  expect  it  to  make  a 
living  for  us. 

19. 

I  like  average  people;  those  who  are  willing 
to  be  polite  in  return  for  politeness;  those  who 
will  match  my  sobriety  with  sobriety;  who  will 
respect  my  rights  as  much  as  I  respect  theirs. 
Ever  since  I  can  remember  I  have  been  learning 
lessons  of  importance,  taught  by  parents,  teach 
ers,  editors,  pastors  and  worthy  people  in  every 
other  walk  in  life.  I  have  heeded  these  lessons, 
and  when  others  do  not  I  refuse  to  respect  them. 

20. 

The  man  who  first  called  us  the  Common  Peo 
ple  was  nearly  right. 

21. 

I  have  never  thought  much  of  the  ability  of 
the  people  to  look  after  their  public  affairs,  but 
—  160  — 


THE   PEOPLE 


had  I  heard,  twenty  years  ago,  a  prediction  that 
they  would  descend,  cheering,  to  their  present 
low  estate,  I  should  have  denied  it. 


—  161  — 


XII 
FOOLS 

1. 

A  man  with  a  little  sense  owes  a  duty  to  the 
ignorance  and  impudence  of  the  fool.  A  fool's 
mental  weakness  entitles  him  to  charity  as  much 
as  a  physical  defect;  put  a  penny  in  his  cup,  as 
you  drop  a  penny  into  the  cup  of  a  blind  man. 


2. 

When  I  say  that  the  world  is  full  of  fools,  I 
mean  no  sweeping  disrespect  to  the  human  fam 
ily.  Foolishness  is  the  general  condition,  and 
it  is  the  main  business  of  men  to  acquire  more 
wisdom  and  more  comfort.  Millions  of  fools 
are  good  fellows,  and  faithful  to  many  com 
mendable  ideals.  They  could  greatly  benefit 
themselves  by  acquiring  more  common  sense  and 
knowledge.  I  have  a  good  deal  of  sympathy  for 
fools,  naturally;  I  am  one  myself. 
—  162  — 


FOOLS 


3. 

The  Lord  is  very  kind  about  forgiving  peo 
ple;  but  if  you  have  been  a  fool,  and  injured 
yourself,  forgiveness  will  not  do  you  a  particle 
of  good. 

4. 

You  are  entitled  to  any  number  of  fool  opin 
ions;  but  there  is  a  certain  elemental  wisdom 
every  one  must  possess,  or  suffer. 

5. 

Why  do  the  stupid  so  persistently  insist  on 
stupidity?  They  meet  people  every  day  who 
conduct  their  affairs  with  reasonable  intelli 
gence  ;  they  never  read  a  book  or  newspaper  with 
out  finding  condemnation.  Yet  they  insist  upon 
it  day  after  day  and  year  after  year,  although 
nothing  in  nature  is  stupid.  One  would  think 
the  stupid  would  finally  be  able  to  learn  a  little, 
as  do  the  most  stupid  animals. 

6. 

Great  care  is  necessary  in  hiding  your  fool 
streak;    people  have   sharp   eyes   and    sharper 
tongues,   and   love  to   catch   others  in   foolish 
tricks  they  sometimes  play  themselves. 
—  163  — 


VENTURES    IN   COMMON   SENSE 


7. 

The  popular  notion  is  that  it  is  all  right  to  rob 
the  fools.  But  it  will  finally  become  necessary 
to  rob  them  less,  and  teach  them  more. 


8. 

I  complain  of  bigotry  on  botli  sides  of  every 
question.  In  every  discussion  cheap  men  hurl 
the  word  "bigot"  at  each  other,  and  both  are 
right.  Every  fool  is  a  bigot;  so  is  every  crim 
inal,  every  anarchist,  every  disturber  of  any 
kind.  There  is  danger  in  piling  up  false  evi 
dence  in  discussing  your  affairs;  that  is  bigotry. 


9. 

I  know  noted  men  whose  dullness  is  astound 
ing;  but  they  know  enough  to  be  reliable.  Good 
conduct  is  the  base  of  all  prosperity:  not  reli 
gion,  but  good  conduct  for  its  own  sake.  I  do 
not  say  this  as  a  man  who  thinks  he  is  holy  and 
wise,  and  makes  no  mistakes,  but  as  a  weak  man 
who  has  made  many,  and  has  observed  that  the 
better  he  behaves,  the  better  he  gets  along. 
—  164  — 


FOOLS 


10. 

The  world  is  bound  to  go  the  limit  in  stupid 
ity:  everything  indicates  it.  Therefore  my  pro 
posal  is  to  find  out  what  the  stupid  want,  and 
do  it.  Not  half  way,  but  all  the  way.  The 
thing  they  all  want  is  a  division  of  property. 
Let  property  be  divided,  and  every  one  given 
another  fair  start:  no  advantage  to  any  one. 
Let  the  stupid  also  hold  a  national  convention, 
and  agree  on  what  will  satisfy  them  as  to  rights, 
liberty,  etc.  And  then  let  it  be  given  them  in 
full  measure.  And  after  every  one  has  had  ex 
act  justice;  when  every  one  has  exactly  the  same 
amount  of  money,  when  every  one  has  exactly  the 
same  chance,  let  a  law  be  adopted  providing  that 
the  first  man  who  complains  of  injustice  be 
hanged  as  an  example  to  all  others. 

11. 

Quit  your  foolishness,  and  you  can  beat  your 
luck.  It's  the  only  way. 

12. 

I  have  sympathy  for  the  modest  fool,  but  none 
for  the  one  who  has  the  band  play  a  piece,  to  at- 
—  165  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

tract  a  crowd,  and  then  proceeds  to  make  an  ass 
of  himself. 

13. 

A  fool  will  not  only  pay  for  a  cure  that  does 
him  no  good,  but  he  will  write  a  testimonial  that 
he  was  cured. 

14. 

In  the  hands  of  a  fool  the  ballot  simply  en 
tails  the  expense  of  counting;  it  merely  leads  the 
statesmen  into  disagreeable  controversies  as  to 
which  shall  control  the  greater  number. 

15. 

In  private  life,  a  fool  finds  his  proper  level, 
but  in  public  affairs  he  is  encouraged  by  those 
who  would  rob  him. 

16. 

The  world  taxes  you  for  being  a  fool.  Don't 
pay  the  tax. 

17. 

Many  a  man  thinks  you  a  fool  who  doesn't  say 
so.     Americans  do  their  criticizing  in  private; 
they  "jolly"  you  to  your  face. 
—  166  — 


XIII 
INDUSTRY 

1. 

A  lesson  with  which  I  have  been  greatly  im 
pressed  is  that  which  shows  the  care  everything 
worth  while  requires.  No  man  can  succeed  at 
anything  and  be  idle,  shiftless  and  thoughtless. 
The  careless,  indifferent  man  is  sure  to  fail.  If 
I  read  of  a  man  who  has  succeeded  at  farming, 
it  is  a  record  of  long  hours;  of  keeping  every 
thing  in  its  place;  of  watching  little  things;  of 
doing  everything  at  the  right  time:  and  all  this 
in  addition  to  being  fair,  agreeable,  temperate, 
and  giving  a  certain  amount  of  time  to  public  af 
fairs.  I  regularly  read  The  Country  Gentleman, 
and  it  depresses  me  sometimes  because  of  the 
tasks  its  writers  assign.  If  a  man  succeeds  with 
a  garden,  with  chickens,  with  anything  on  a  farm, 
he  must  work  hard,  and  be  careful;  I  have  never 
seen  a  record  in  its  pages  of  a  lazy  or  shiftless 
man  succeeding.  If  a  man  succeeds  in  the  law, 
—  167  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

in  merchandising,  in  any  town  trade,  it  is  the 
same  thing:  he  must  work  long  hours,  and  watch 
out  constantly.  Even  the  man  who  succeeds  as 
a  disturber  must  practice  oratory  unceasingly, 
in  order  that  he  may  move  his  hearers  to  con 
tribute  liberally  when  the  collection  is  taken,  or 
turn  out  to  vote  for  him  when  there  is  an  election. 
He  must  study  hard,  in  order  to  be  well-informed 
in  mischief. 

2. 

I  talked  lately  with  a  man  who  had  retired 
from  business.  He  said  he  at  first  tried  to  be 
idle,  but  couldn't  do  it:  as  a  result  of  idleness, 
his  affairs  as  well  as  his  body  became  clogged 
up,  and  he  was  compelled  to  hustle  to  keep 
things  straight. 

3. 

Less  work  is  the  poorest  philosophy  in  the 
world;  yet  it  is  the  base  of  the  present  reform 
movement.  The  present  clamor  is  for  the  people 
to  work  less,  and  pay  less  attention  to  habits  of 
thrift  and  sense.  The  foundation  of  the  new 
philosophy  is  for  the  State  to  look  out  for  every 
body  while  we  are  all  having  a  good  time.  But 
the  State  can't  do  it:  those  who  get  along  must 
—  168  — 


INDUSTRY 


work  long  hours,  and  watch  all  corners  care 
fully.  It  is  an  impressive  lesson.  I  recom 
mend  it  for  thought. 

4. 

The  late  Czar  of  Russia  was  lazy,  and  trusted 
everything  to  Experts  in  Efficiency.  And  you 
know  what  they  did  to  the  Czar.  Peter  the 
Great  was  a  worse  tyrant,  but  he  worked  hard 
and  watched  all  the  corners,  and  died  a  hero 
and  tyrant. 

5. 

There  is  no  man  so  poor  or  foolish  that  better 
conduct  and  more  industry  will  not  help  him. 
The  best  conduct  and  most  persistent  industry 
will  not  make  any  life  entirely  agreeable  or  suc 
cessful,  but  these  simple  virtues  never  fail  to 
help:  they  are  always  better  than  idleness  and 
viciousness. 

6. 

Not  only  the  wicked  suffer;  the  weak  suffer, 
as  do  the  inefficient,  the  careless,  and  the  impo 
lite.     The  notably  wicked  go  to  jail;  the  notably 
careless  go  to  the  poor  house. 
—  169  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

7. 

Hungry  Joe,  of  New  York,  had  a  notion  that 
the  only  way  to  make  money  was  to  be  dishonest. 
He  was  smart  in  many  ways,  but,  having  been 
denied  the  blessing  of  a  training  in  a  country 
community,  he  believed  stealing  was  the  thing; 
he  was  brought  up  in  a  tough  district  in  a  big 
city.  You  know  what  happened  to  Joe,  in  spite 
of  his  cleverness;  when  he  was  hanged,  he  had 
nothing  to  show  after  a  long  life  of  crime  ex 
cept  a  suit  of  clothes,  and  that  was  given  him  by 
the  sheriff. 

8. 

I  have  noticed  that  every  little  while  people 
come  to  see  Abe  King,  my  worthless  neighbor. 
I  have  wondered  why  any  one  wants  to  see  Abe, 
and  took  occasion  lately  to  find  out.  It  seems 
they  want  to  speak  to  him  about  his  soul:  he  is  not 
religious,  and  they  want  him  to  join  the  church. 
I  should  say  it  is  more  important  to  speak  to  Abe 
about  his  worthlessness.  He  is  the  most  shift 
less  man  I  ever  knew.  I  wonder  if  any  one  ever 
spoke  to  him  about  it,  and  begged  him  to  do  bet 
ter? 

—  170  — 


INDUSTRY 


9. 

A  loafer  never  works  except  when  there  is  a 
fire;  then  he  will  carry  out  more  furniture  than 
anybody. 

10. 
Abuse  of  money  is  abuse  of  industry. 

11. 

One  man  may  make  much  of  a  garden,  while 
another  will  neglect  it.  The  industrious, 
thoughtful  man  will  weed  and  prune,  water  and 
cultivate,  destroy  natural  enemies,  and  encour 
age  natural  advantages.  He  may  easily  know 
what  is  best  to  do;  millions  of  men  gone  before 
have  demonstrated  the  rules  by  which  he  will  in 
evitably  succeed  or  fail.  Life  is  as  simple  a 
problem  as  a  garden.  Its  rules  are  known  be 
yond  question;  no  one  need  go  astray.  Indus 
try,  fairness  and  common  sense  bring  certain  in 
evitable  results;  idleness,  carelessness  and  im 
politeness  bring  certain  inevitable  results:  there 
is  no  more  doubt  in  one  case  than  in  the  other. 

12. 

Every  time  I  see  a  man  wearing  a  society  pin, 
I  think  a  new  emblem  should  be  devised  by  the 
—  171  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

government,  and  awarded  for  merit.  Say  a 
man  is  a  good  citizen,  works  industriously,  pays 
his  debts,  has  a  family  and  takes  good  care  of  it, 
and  does  his  share  in  all  worthy  enterprises  at 
home.  Why  wouldn't  it  be  a  good  idea  for  the 
government  to  issue  an  emblem  of  some  sort  to 
that  man,  so  that  when  he  is  seen  in  a  strange 
place,  people  will  know  he  is  all  right?  Badges 
of  honor  are  issued  in  war.  Why  not  in  peace? 
A  man  who  has  lived  a  long  time,  and  earned  the 
respect  of  his  community,  is  a  hero,  and  should 
be  rewarded  in  some  way.  Even  sleeping  car 
conductors  wear  badges  indicating  that  they  have 
rendered  long  and  satisfactory  service.  When 
a  man  is  nominated  for  the  legislature,  he  is 
called  Honorable,  but  there  is  no  distinction  for 
the  modest  good  citizen.  Why  not  create  a  but 
ton  for  him,  and  add  a  star  as  he  progresses  in 
age  and  well-doing?  When  you  travel,  it  would 
add  a  feeling  of  security  if  you  noted  that  the 
man  who  sleeps  over  or  under  you  wears  a  but 
ton  indicating  that  where  he  lives,  he  is  rated  as 
safe. 

13. 

In  the  business  of  baseball,  scouts  travel  over 
the  country  looking  for  young  players  who  are 
—  172  — 


INDUSTRY 


promising.  In  your  business  as  well  as  in  base 
ball,  if  you  can  do  anything  particularly  well, 
a  Scout  will  call  on  you,  and  offer  you  a  better 
job.  Seven-tenths  of  the  big  men  of  to-day,  in 
every  calling,  have  been  picked  up  by  Scouts  in 
small  villages  or  on  farms.  Don't  say  you 
haven't  a  chance,  because  you  have:  a  Scout  is 
watching  you  every  day,  and  you  are  promoted 
as  you  deserve.  A  good  clerk  in  a  country  town 
is  fought  for  by  the  merchants;  a  good  farm  hand 
is  fought  for  by  farmers,  and  he  is  soon  picked 
up  by  a  Scout  who  has  a  farm  to  sell  at  a  low 
price,  on  long  time.  And  the  more  modest  and 
capable  you  are,  the  more  apt  a  Scout  is  to  find 
you.  But  you  can't  fool  a  Scout:  he  knows  good 
work. 


—  173  — 


XIV 

LIBERTY 

1. 

The  Americans  have  talked  so  much  about 
their  liberties  that  they  fooled  me;  I  confess  I 
thought  they  would  do  something  terrible  to  those 
who  interfered  with  their  liberties,  but  it  turns 
out  that  they  are  extremely  docile. 

2. 

Those  persons  who  talk  most  about  liberty 
want  liberty  to  do  something  the  rest  of  us  have 
decided  they  have  no  right  to  do.  We  have  no 
liberty  except  liberty  to  behave  ourselves.  And 
that  is  a  right  no  one  questions,  or  we  wouldn't 
have  that. 

3. 

It  is  a  bad  sign  when  a  man  writes  a  great  deal 
about  slavery  and  lack  of  liberty:  it  is  a  sign 
that  he  objects  to  work,  and  wants  to  break  a  lot 
of  rules  worthy  people  have  adopted  after  cen 
turies  of  experimenting  with  life. 
—  174  — 


LIBERTY 


4. 

It  is  to  the  discredit  of  mankind  that  it  has 
been  fighting  thousands  of  years  for  liberty,  when 
liberty  was  its  first  and  natural  gift.  The  most 
primitive  tribes  of  men  practiced  liberty  and 
democracy.  Their  wisest  and  oldest  men  con 
sulted  together  for  the  best  interests  of  all,  and 
thus  they  had  the  simplest  form  of  democracy. 
Kingship  came  as  a  result  of  civilization;  and  it 
began  by  a  man  saying  he  had  seen  a  vision, 
and  received  a  message.  No  man  is  so  dull  that 
he  cannot  appreciate  the  absurdity  of  working 
for  another  man  for  nothing;  and  no  man  is  so 
dumb  that  he  cannot  understand  that  he  need  not 
do  it.  If  the  other  man  says  he  has  a  divine 
message,  then  the  second  man  can  at  least  ask 
him  to  prove  it.  If  the  man  fails  to  prove  it, 
then  the  second  man  knows  enough  to  consult 
with  his  fellows,  and,  repairing  to  the  house  of 
the  message-receiver,  smite  him  lustily,  and 
thereafter  proceed  with  his  affairs  according  to 
democratic  rules. 

5. 

We  are  always  hearing  that  the  people  are 
slaves.     The  people  are  only  slaves  to  bad  habits 
—  175  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

from  which  they  may  free  themselves.  If  you 
are  a  slave,  you  may  write  your  own  emancipa 
tion  proclamation.  Freedom  from  bad  habits 
beats  any  other  kind  of  freedom. 


6. 

How  we  love  the  word  Liberty!  Yet  how 
many  men,  women  and  children  have  been  saved 
by  lack  of  it!  In  every  house  a  signboard 
might  be  erected  reading:  "No  liberty  in  this 
house!"  At  the  entrance  to  every  town,  a  sign 
board  containing  these  words  might  be  erected: 
"No  liberty  in  this  town!"  And  you  will  find  a 
policeman  at  every  corner  to  carry  out  the  or 
ders  on  the  signboard.  In  New  York  harbor,  a 
huge  signboard  might  truthfully  read:  "No 
liberty  in  this  country!"  Why  have  we  judges, 
jails,  police  officers?  To  punish  those  who  think 
they  are  free  to  do  as  they  please.  Why  is  there 
a  switch  in  every  home?  To  punish  children 
who  think  they  are  free.  We  are  not  free;  it 
was  never  intended  we  should  be.  A  book  of 
rules  is  placed  in  our  cradles,  and  we  never  get 
rid  of  it  until  we  reach  our  graves.  Then  we  are 
free,  and  only  then. 

—  176  — 


LIBERTY 


7. 

How  well  the  animals  take  care  of  themselves! 
They  know  what  is  "good  for  them";  we  do  not. 
I  never  knew  an  animal,  outside  of  man,  to  have 
a  bad  stomach.  Fat  people,  thin  people,  bad 
teeth,  bad  stomachs,  smoking,  whisky  drinking, 
are  all  unnatural:  all  the  result  of  Freedom. 

8. 

There  may  be  more  art,  and  more  general 
learning,  but  I  doubt  if  there  will  ever  be  more 
average  prosperity  or  liberty  for  the  people  than 
they  have  now.  In  days  to  come,  men  will 
speak  more  fondly  than  ever  of  the  Good  Old 
Days. 


—  177  — 


XV 

SENTIMENT 

1. 

I  suppose  you  think  it  a  compliment  to  have 
it  said  of  you:  "He  is  full  of  sentiment."  It 
isn't;  it  is  equal  to  saying  that  a  little  eloquence 
will  make  you  believe  what  is  not  true. 

2. 

Sentiment  is  a  word  of  doubtful  value.  If 
I  love  my  children,  that  is  not  sentiment;  that  is 
a  natural  and  true  human  attribute.  It  is  not 
sentiment  if  I  am  fond  of  friends  who  have  been 
kind  to  me ;  it  is  not  sentiment  if  I  love  my  coun 
try  and  the  people  of  my  particular  race:  that 
also  is  a  natural  fact.  It  is  not  sentiment  if  I 
am  attracted  by  a  good  or  beautiful  woman. 
Sentiment  (I  quote  the  dictionary)  is  "a  ten 
dency  to  judge  by  feeling  rather  than  by  reason 
or  rule";  and  this  is  exactly  what  most  people 
do  too  much  of.  People  have  so  gorged  them- 
—  178  — 


SENTIMENT 


selves  with  sentiment  that  the  world  is  suffering 
delirium  tremens  in  morals. 

3. 

Those  who  speak  of  patriotism,  religion,  love, 
women,  honor,  or  the  fellowship  of  man,  always 
exaggerate;  literature  and  oratory  cannot  speak 
truthfully  of  truth  itself.  In  nearly  every 
printed  page  there  is  an  idealism  that  is  mis 
chievous. 

4. 

Our  government,  if  it  ever  goes  to  pieces,  will 
fail  because  of  sentiment  run  mad;  because  we 
not  only  insist  upon  more  than  we  are  entitled 
to,  but  because  we  insist  upon  more  than  we 
can  get. 

5. 

Loving  everybody  is  polygamy.  I  care  for 
no  friend  who  loves  his  enemy  equally  well. 

6. 

Old  Tom  Paine  and  old  Bob  Ingersoll  roared 
at  the  church.     The  church  isn't  the  culprit: 
Sentiment  is  the  real  rogue. 
—  179  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

7. 

Because  water  does  not  run  up  hill  is  no  rea 
son  it  cannot  be  made  to,  the  sentimentalists  say. 

8. 

In  one  of  those  dreadful  books  which  tell  of 
beauty  in  hundreds  of  pages,  a  writer  says:  "I 
would  rather  die,  cut  off  in  youth,  having  pul 
sated  with  the  heart  of  a  world-ideal,  than  live 
forever — hibernate — shut  off  in  thought  and 
sympathy  from  highest  resolves  of  the  human 
family."  There  was  a  time  when  those  who 
didn't  care  for  that  sort  of  thing  at  least  said 
nothing  in  opposition;  now  they  are  vigorously 
attacking  it.  Nobody  now  cuts  out  a  piece  of 
this  kind  for  scrap  books;  if  they  cut  it  out  at 
all,  it  is  to  show  to  others  who  will  join  with 
them  in  making  fun  of  it.  We  read  much  of  the 
changes  going  on  in  the  world.  The  wide-spread 
opposition  to  foolish  sentimentalism  is  one  of  the 
most  marked. 

9. 

There  never  was  universal  love;  there  never 
will  be:  it  is  doubtful  if  such  a  state  would  be 
desirable.     Men  hustling  to  do  better  than  com- 
—  180  — 


SENTIMENT 


petitors  they  do  not  love  have  done  much  for  the 
world:  much  more  than  the  "great  souls"  who 
dream  of  universal  love. 


10. 

The  less  a  man  amounts  to,  the  more  senti 
mental  he  is;  the  stronger  his  disposition  to  be 
lieve  that  what  he  thinks  is  the  truth,  and  that 
whatever  another  says  is  a  vicious  lie.  A  man 
of  intelligence  always  listens  to  the  other  side; 
he  wants  to  know  what  there  is  in  it.  He  is  not 
forever  saying,  "There  is  a  good  deal  in  it," 
when  there  is  nothing  in  it. 


11. 

Sentiment  has  failed,  but  there  is  evidence 
mountain  high  that  industry,  temperance,  fair 
ness  and  politeness  are  the  sum  of  science, 
philosophy  and  plain  common  sense. 


12. 

Every  man  thinks  he  must  exploit  certain  great 
falsehoods,  for  the  reason  that  if  he  does  not, 
other  hypocrites  will  say  he  has  no  Soul. 
—  181  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

13. 

Any  one  who  is  idle,  and  claims  to  have 
Higher  Ideals,  can  bluff  a  worker.  The  worker 
is  ashamed  of  being  busy,  although  that  is  about 
the  only  thing  a  man  has  a  right  to  be  proud  of. 
The  women  keep  the  men  humble  by  charging 
that  they  love  money  more  than  they  love  prin 
ciple,  although  the  money  the  workers  strive  for 
is  really  corn,  and  clothes,  and  houses,  and  edu 
cation,  and  everything  else  we  all  require,  and 
struggle  for  as  a  matter  of  right  and  necessity. 
The  worker  provides  the  wagon  and  the  oxen  to 
pull  it ;  he  walks  in  the  dust  to  drive,  and  the  king 
and  queen  who  ride  comfortably  talk  about  the 
dirt  on  his  hands  and  the  selfishness  in  his  rotten 
heart.  They  claim  to  be  superior  because  of 
their  willingness  to  Uplift  him,  and  he  admits 
the  superiority.  When  a  ship  starts  on  a  dan 
gerous  voyage,  who  is  the  pilot?  Always  a  man 
who  has  worked  up  from  a  common  sailor  to  be 
captain.  He  can  whip  any  man  in  the  crew, 
and  has  demonstrated  that  he  can  do  it.  He 
knows  more  about  navigation  than  any  other  man 
in  the  crew,  and  has  demonstrated  it.  Who  is 
in  charge  of  the  ship  of  state?  A  preacher,  and 
—  182  — 


SENTIMENT 


the  crew  is  made  up  of  those  who  cannot  fight, 
swim  or  swear. 

14. 

People  steeped  in  sentiment  are  never  fair. 
They  believe  that  those  who  contend,  however 
mistakenly,  for  anything  known  as  "a  good  idea" 
partake  in  a  measure  of  the  goodness  taught  in 
the  idea,  and  that  those  who  oppose  it  are  dis 
ciples  of  the  evil  one.  The  man  who  has  failed 
in  individual  betterment  excuses  himself  because 
he  favors  world  betterment. 


15. 

Watch  the  next  sentimentalist  who  appears. 
His  mission  is  possibly  to  rob  you,  certainly  to 
bore  you,  and  never  to  love  or  benefit  you. 


16. 

A  man  engaged  in  screaming  that  he  has  a 
big  heart  and  mind,  and  desires  to  convert  the 
heathens,  rescue  the  poor  from  oppression,  and 
rid  the  world  of  ills  that  are  at  least  natural,  if 
not  entirely  imaginary,  is  really  no  better  than 
others,  and  usually  not  so  good ;  he  is  prejudiced, 
—  183  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

unfair,  and  behind  his  propaganda  is  a  well-de 
fined  plan  to  benefit  himself,  so  he  soon  begins 
attacking  other  men  who  do  not  believe  as  he 
does.  They  reply  in  kind,  and  there  is  a  dread 
ful  mess;  he  proves  his  opponents  are  hypo 
crites,  and  they  prove  he  is  another.  Mean 
while  the  people  look  on  with  interest,  gradually 
take  sides,  and  the  row  spreads  to  every  hamlet 
and  to  almost  every  family.  Finally  the  sword 
is  substituted  for  the  pen,  and  a  row  is  on,  the 
like  of  which  has  never  been  seen.  It  is  no  more 
than  the  plain  truth  to  say  that  the  base  of  every 
great  row  is  over-wrought  sentimentality.  It  is 
the  base  of  every  noted  and  mischievous  lie;  it  is 
responsible  for  the  lamentable  fact  that  more 
foolish  lying  is  going  on  to-day  than  ever  before 
in  the  world's  history.  It  is  responsible  for  the 
fact  that  there  is  almost  no  such  thing  left  as  a 
reasonable,  truthful  man. 


17. 

Every  man  is  taught  he  should  do  a  certain 
amount  of  blubbering,  or  he  will  not  be  esteemed 
as  having  a  good  heart. 

—  184  — 


SENTIMENT 


18. 

You  have  perhaps  observed  that  the  sentimen 
talist  is  always  looking  for  New  Evidence.  Let 
another  sentimental  publication  be  announced, 
and  he  will  subscribe.  If  a  sentimental  lecturer 
appears,  he  will  attend.  The  explanation  is,  the 
sentimentalist's  philosophy  is  in  constant  need 
of  encouragement,  being  without  sound  basis. 
Left  to  himself,  he  will  soon  begin  to  doubt,  so 
he  must  have  constant  encouragement  to  keep 
himself  cheering  his  folly.  On  the  other  hand, 
common  sense  demonstrates  itself  so  completely 
that  there  is  never  any  doubt  about  it.  Its  fol 
lowers  find  evidence  of  their  faith  in  their  own 
communities,  among  their  own  neighbors;  in 
every  day  incidents.  Every  natural  thing  proves 
common  sense,  so  the  disciple  of  common  sense 
does  not  need  to  hear  new  lectures,  or  read  new 
books,  to  encourage  him. 


—  185  — 


XVI 

CONDUCT 

1. 

There  is  nothing  to  my  system  of  ethics  except 
that  the  better  a  man  behaves  himself,  the  better 
he  gets  along.  The  doctrine  is  simple ;  it  is  true. 
Since  all  human  thought,  like  all  human  action, 
is  based  on  self-interest,  why  is  not  the  dullest 
man  able  to  appreciate  that  industry,  fairness, 
politeness,  temperance,  are  his  greatest  selfish 
interests?  No  man  should  be  so  much  of  a  fool 
as  to  doubt  that  which  is  proven  every  day  of  his 
life;  that  which  is  written  in  old  books,  and  in 
the  lives  of  the  old  men  he  knows. 

2. 

What  I  write  I  offer  as  mere  suggestions;  I 
hope  no  one  will  accept  it  if  it  is  mischievous  or 
mistaken.  I  try  to  be  an  honest  man,  but  let  me 
declare  with  emphasis  that  I  pursue  this  policy 
because  it  pays.  I  try  to  be  fair,  polite  and 
—  186  — 


CONDUCT 


trustworthy  not  because  I  want  to  go  to  heaven, 
but  because  I  want  to  get  along  in  the  easiest 
and  most  comfortable  way;  and  all  experience 
has  taught  me  that  practice  of  the  simple  vir 
tues  is  always  dependable  in  making  progress. 

3. 

If  a  certain  simple  course  in  life  pays  better 
than  any  other,  and  is  easier  than  any  other,  why 
not  adopt  it?  If  you  are  naturally  a  rough 
neck,  be  a  hypocrite,  and  pretend  to  be  a  gentle 
man.  Why?  Because  it  pays.  If  you  are 
naturally  a  loafer,  note  that  ninety-seven  per 
cent  of  those  about  you  have  tasks,  and  succeed 
as  they  perform  them  with  efficiency,  politeness 
and  fairness.  Be  a  hypocrite  and  get  busy;  you 
will  find  busy  men  have  better  times  than  idlers. 
The  tramp  doesn't  enjoy  life  as  much  as  the  man 
who  *has  steady  work,  attends  to  it,  and  knows 
the  joy  of  promotion;  of  the  increasing  respect 
of  his  fellow  men. 


4. 

A  man  succeeds  in  life  in  the  degree  that  he 
is  industrious,  honest,  polite,  intelligent  and  or- 
—  187  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

derly;  this  is  as  certain  as  that  man  is  born  of 
woman — or  any  other  material  fact. 

5. 

The  fact  that  good  conduct  is  of  first  impor 
tance  is  never  actually  in  question.  No  one 
doubts  it;  thieves  do  not.  All  parents  teach  it; 
it  is  taught  in  all  schools,  and  in  every  shop  and 
business  place.  Learning  is  not  necessary  in  ac 
quiring  the  simple  lessons  of  life,  although 
learning  emphasizes  them.  We  teach  our  ani 
mal  servants  every  lesson  we  teach  ourselves. 
Horses,  and  cows,  and  dogs,  are  taught  manners, 
and,  beyond  their  power  to  learn,  we  control 
them  with  fences  and  halters.  If  an  animal  be 
comes  a  menace  to  life,  and  is  dangerous,  we  con 
fine  it,  or  put  it  to  death,  as  we  do  dangerous  men. 
There  are  many  confusing  teachers,  but  as  to 
the  simple  facts,  no  one  need  go  astray:  we  know 
them  as  we  know  we  live. 

6. 

The  first  excuse  of  every  professional  teacher 

of  morality  is  that  the  people  do  not  know  the 

importance  of  good  conduct,  and  that  he  is  a 

noble  man  in  imparting  the  information.     The 

—  188  — 


CONDUCT 


people  do  know;  the  dullest  domestic  animal 
knows,  and  hurries  out  of  the  way  of  a  blow 
when  found  in  a  place  it  does  not  belong. 

7. 

I  never  knew  a  loafer,  thief  or  drunkard  who 
did  not  apologize  for  his  conduct,  knowing  that 
he  was  an  exception  to  the  general  rule.  I  never 
knew  a  community  where  the  ordinary  moral 
standards  did  not  prevail,  nor  one  Which  did  not 
improve  a  little  from  year  to  year. 

8. 

When  my  affairs  go  wrong,  I  know  the  only 
possible  remedy:  it  is  to  behave  better. 

9. 

The  thief  pretends  to  practice  the  habits  of 
respectable  men;  fallen  women,  when  in  public, 
try  to  behave  as  decent  women  do.  Virtue  must 
be  valuable,  if  men  and  women  of  all  degrees 
pretend  to  have  it. 

10. 

The  man  who  must  be  told  his  duty  every  day, 
or  every  week,  is  a  poor  excuse;  a  real  man 
—  189  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

should  know  his  duty,  and  the  importance  of 
being  faithful  to  it.  There  are  millions  of  men 
browsing  along  the  edge  of  dishonesty,  and  look 
ing  longingly  into  the  forbidden  field.  The 
trouble  with  these  men  is  lack  of  intelligence; 
the  greater  the  fool,  the  greater  the  likelihood 
that  he  is  dishonest.  Honesty  is  largely  a  mat 
ter  of  information,  of  knowing  that  dishonesty 
is  a  mistake.  Principle  is  not  as  powerful  in 
keeping  people  straight  as  a  policeman. 


11. 

How  are  your  personal  habits?  I  once  knew 
a  man  who  married  a  woman  on  short  acquaint 
ance,  and  she  left  him  in  a  week:  she  said  his 
personal  habits  were  so  bad  that  she  would  rather 
die  than  live  with  him.  Another  man  I  knew 
became  engaged  to  a  girl,  and  after  a  very  mod 
erate  association  with  him  for  only  a  few  weeks 
she  said  she  could  not  stand  his  foolish  talk 
and  actions,  and  broke  the  engagement.  Some 
mothers  have  habits  so  tiresome  that  their  own 
children  dislike  them  in  secret;  in  the  close  as 
sociation  of  home,  office  or  shop,  those  around 
you  should  be  considered.  Look  yourself  over. 
—  190  — 


CONDUCT 


12. 

Any  one  who  bets  on  }ris  judgment  against 
the  judgment  of  the  world,  will  be  punished  for 
folly.  In  everything  in  which  man  is  interested, 
the  world  knows  what  is  best  for  him.  It  has 
learned  from  experience,  best  of  all  teachers. 
Millions  of  men  have  lived  millions  of  years, 
and  tried  everything.  The  results  of  these  ex 
periments  have  passed  down  from  the  first  to  the 
last  generation.  Everywhere  there  is  an  under 
current  of  truth  that  any  one  may  take  advan 
tage  of;  whatever  hypocrites  may  say,  there  are 
enough  burned  children  to  warn  you  to  keep  your 
hand  out  of  the  fire.  One  trouble  with  every  one 
is  Conceit;  we  all  have  a  natural  disposition  to 
know  it  all,  and  to  trust  our  judgment  against 
experience.  Look  over  the  next  fool  you  meet; 
even  you  can  tell  him  how  to  avoid  most  of  his 
troubles.  Those  persons  who  teach  sentiment — 
who  make  hope  better  than  it  is — are  doing 
harm;  and  there  are  millions  of  them.  Good 
judgment  and  good  taste  are  big  chiefs  which 
will  never  fail  to  help  you. 


—  191  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

13. 

Feel  ashamed  of  all  your  misdeeds;  not  only 
of  those  the  people  have  caught  you  at. 

14. 

Most  men  believe  an  outrage  has  been  com 
mitted  when  an  opinion  is  expressed  that  does 
not  agree  with  what  they  have  been  thinking. 
This  is  not  the  right  attitude:  if  you  have  be 
lieved  that  the  sum  of  two  and  two  is  three,  you 
should  feel  obliged  to  a  man  who  knows,  and 
can  prove,  that  the  correct  answer  is  four. 

15. 

How  universally  we  wear  clothes!  And 
"clothes"  mean  certain  well-tested  forms  of  util 
ity  we  always  carry  out:  collars,  underwear, 
shoes,  hats,  stockings,  etc.  All  are  matters  of 
experience:  whatever  is  better  will  appear  in 
course  of  time,  as  a  result  of  further  experience. 
So  it  is  with  our  morals,  customs,  laws:  they  are 
the  best  we  can  do.  In  the  main  there  have  been 
no  changes  in  centuries:  we  have  different 
"styles,"  but  in  the  end  a  coat  will  afford  so 
much  protection,  and  no  more,  as  a  law  will  af 
ford  so  much  protection,  and  no  more. 
—  192  — 


CONDUCT 


16. 

You  lack  ordinary  sense  if  you  believe 
roguery  pays.  There  is  not  one  man  in  a  thou 
sand  capable  of  being  a  successful  rogue,  while 
any  one  may  succeed  as  an  honest  man.  A  suc 
cessful  rogue  must  have  unusual  cunning:  un 
usual  nerve.  The  man  capable  of  being  a  suc 
cessful  rogue  could  succeed  a  thousand  times 
easier  as  a  worker  and  honest  man.  The  average 
man's  capacity  is  for  straight  endeavor;  the 
world  is  organized  on  that  plan.  Every  man's 
hand  is  against  a  rogue;  every  man  is  willing  to 
reward  a  neighbor  who  is  safe,  reliable  and  use 
ful. 

17. 

The  importance  of  good  conduct  is  empha 
sized  in  every  day's  events;  indeed,  in  every 
hour's  events.  Certain  things  are  dangerous, 
and  we  have  all  learned  to  know  them.  Who 
does  not  know  about  poison?  Who  has  not 
heard  of  the  inconvenience  resulting  from  drunk 
enness,  shooting  a  man,  or  the  trouble  a  lie  or 
theft  causes?  If  all  the  teachers  of  morality 
should  quit  to-morrow,  the  people  would  not  go 
to  perdition;  on  the  contrary,  they  would  con- 
—  193  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

tinue  in  about  the  same  old  fashion.  More  men 
are  needed  to  teach  by  good  example,  but  the 
other  kind  of  teachers  have  become  so  numerous 
that  the  people  are  stumbling  over  them,  and 
grumbling  viciously. 

18. 

How  weak  I  am;  and  how  well  I  know  strength 
pays!  How  I  realize  the  inconvenience  and  loss 
of  carelessness;  yet  I  am  a  most  careless  man, 
though  I  long  to  be  orderly.  If  I  try  to  be  care 
ful,  and  put  things  away  in  order,  I  hide  them, 
and  never  know  where  they  are.  Baseball  play 
ers  talk  about  the  "breaks."  It  seems  to  me 
the  "breaks"  are  always  against  me,  and  in  fa 
vor  of  the  other  fellow;  I  have  no  uluck,"  and 
am  whipped  much  more  frequently  than  I  am 
petted.  But  when  I  fairly  investigate  this  the 
ory,  I  find  there  is  a  well-defined  rule  back  of 
all  my  hits  and  misses.  I  have  certain  worthy 
ambitions  that  would  do  credit  to  the  mind  and 
heart  of  any  man,  but  they  are  beyond  me:  I 
know  it.  Who  is  to  blame?  My  inclination  is 
all  right;  my  mind  and  soul  have  been  whipped 
into  line;  but  I  drag  about  a  weak  body  I  can 
not  control.  Who  is  to  blame?  My  ancestors. 
—  194  — 


CONDUCT 


I  often  think  of  some  of  my  acts:  "That  is  like 
Uncle  Nate";  of  others,  "Father  used  to  do 
that";  of  still  others:  "That's  my  Grandfather 
Irwin  sticking  out."  I  can't  reform  these  peo 
ple;  most  of  them  are  dead  and  gone:  so  I  do 
the  best  I  can  with  my  handicaps.  I  say  I  do 
the  best  I  can.  As  a  matter  of  fact,  does  any 
man  do  that?  I  have  made  several  disastrous 
mistakes  that  were  inexcusable.  I  certainly 
didn't  do  the  best  I  could  in  these  instances,  but 
I  thought  I  did  at  the  time:  I  looked  everything 
over,  and  came  to  the  worst  conclusions  possible. 
Why?  Because  I  didn't  give  sufficient  weight 
to  plain  common  sense,  of  which  I  believe  I  am 
an  advocate. 


—  195 


XVII 
WAR 

1. 

It  is  not  inconceivable  that  millions  of  people 
like  war;  I  can  easily  understand  how  it  may  be 
fascinating  to  all  concerned,  except  to  privates  in 
the  actual  fighting  ranks.  Even  many  women 
love  the  excitement;  their  pictures  are  printed 
in  the  papers  when  they  enlist  for  the  various 
kinds  of  service  they  can  perform,  and  the  lead 
ers,  to  encourage  them,  say  the  women  won  the 
war  for  Home  and  Liberty.  Millions  make 
great  profits  from  the  war;  others  make  fame. 
Most  of  the  newspapers  see  their  circulations 
and  profits  increase  because  of  the  excitement. 
Welfare  workers  are  given  a  prominence  they 
never  had  before.  Meanwhile,  the  poor  devils 
who  were  compelled  to  do  the  real  fighting,  or 
pay  the  expense,  are  terribly  punished  for  a  holi 
day  for  the  non-combatants. 
—  196  — 


W  AR 

2. 

Leaders  have  always  been  able  to  bring  on  a 
war  by  telling  the  people  how  brave  they  are, 
and  how  easily  they  can  vanquish  the  enemy. 
The  people  will  one  day  realize  that  they  are 
not  very  brave,  not  very  efficient,  and  that  whip 
ping  an  enemy  is  a  disagreeable  task. 

3. 

The  recent  war  was  the  most  tremendous  move 
ment  in  history.  Its  intent  was  to  destroy  men 
and  property;  to  starve  women  and  children. 
Did  you  ever  hear  of  a  movement  of  equal  world 
wide  extent  to  help  men?  There  never  was  any 
such.  It  is  a  sad  commentary  on  men  that  the 
greatest  movement  they  ever  engaged  in  was  to 
kill  each  other,  to  starve  women  and  children, 
and  destroy  what  has  been  accomplished  in 
civilization. 

4. 

For   centuries   we   have   been   worshiping   a 
Sacred  Bull.     Lately  the  Sacred  Bull  has  been 
crashing  around  in  the  world's  china  shop,  and 
viewing  the  wreck  has  sobered  us. 
—  197  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

5. 

A  fisher  or  hunter  is,  of  course,  a  liar; 
but  there  is  not  much  to  lie  about.  A  few  more 
fish  or  a  few  more  rabbits  than  the  truth;  there 
is  not  a  great  deal  of  interest  in  any  such  ex 
perience.  But  war:  there  is  a  subject  to  be  in 
teresting  about.  There  is  a  background  for  any 
scenery  the  man  of  genius  cares  to  suggest.  I 
don't  suppose  there  ever  was  a  man  who  told 
the  truth  about  a  battle.  When  a  theatrical  man 
brings  out  a  play,  you  expect  him  to  lie  about 
the  cost  of  the  production;  likewise  we  expect  a 
man  who  has  been  in  a  battle  to  make  it  as  hor 
rible  and  interesting  as  possible. 

6. 

The  people  are  forever  asking  too  much:  fail 
ing  to  get  it,  they  often  go  to  war,  and  destroy 
what  they  have. 

7. 

Tempests,  earthquakes,  are  a  part  of  nature, 

and  we  may  at  least  guard  against  them  to  some 

extent;  and  they  have  not  been  so  numerous  that 

the  world's  population  does  not  increase  rap- 

—  198  — 


WAR 

idly.  Epidemics,  wars,  are  preventable;  our 
efforts  will  help,  if  directed  simply  and  natur 
ally. 

8. 

The  people  never  respond  so  easily  and 
promptly  to  the  propaganda  of  leaders  as  they 
do  when  there  is  a  patriotic  issue,  and  leaders 
are  always  bringing  it  up.  The  dullest  man 
loves  to  be  told  that  his  great  heart  throbs  for 
the  oppressed  everywhere;  it  causes  him  to  glow 
as  nothing  else  does.  He  is  as  keen  to  bring 
liberty  to  the  world  as  missionaries  are  to  bring 
the  cross  to  heathens.  There  is  a  thrill  in  pa 
triotism  found  in  chivalry,  music,  gallantry, 
bravery,  devotion,  etc.,  and  men  are  easily  in 
fluenced  with  this  theme. 

9. 

One  day,  while  sitting  on  my  porch  at  Potato 
Hill  farm,  I  sa»w  Bert.  Raulston's  rooster  pass  in 
the  road.  He  was  going  down  to  the  chicken 
yard  at  the  farmhouse,  and  I  followed  him,  won 
dering  why  he  was  visiting  us.  I  soon  found 
out.  My  brother  Bruce,  the  farmer,  has  a  roos 
ter  who  rules  the  chicken  yard.  The  other  roos 
ters  fought  him  until  they  found  they  could  not 
—  199  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

whip  him,  and  then  declared  peace  by  keeping 
out  of  his  way.  But  the  best  rooster  among 
Bert.  Raulston's  chickens  had  possibly  heard  of 
my  brother's  prize  chicken,  and,  when  I  arrived 
in  the  barnyard,  they  were  at  it,  hot  and  heavy. 
They  fought  for  an  hour,  resting  at  intervals,  but 
finally  our  rooster  drove  the  interloper  away, 
and  chased  him  up  the  road  until  he  disappeared. 
Our  rooster  won  the  fight,  but  he  did  not  seem  to 
feel  well  for  several  days;  he  had  been  badly 
punished.  A  week  or  two  later,  while  again  at 
the  farmhouse,  I  saw  another  strange  rooster 
come  walking  into  the  barnyard.  The  rooster 
was  stepping  high,  and  looking  carefully  about. 
He  was  seeking  a  fight,  and  soon  found  it.  The 
strange  rooster  belonged  to  Abe  King,  and  was 
rather  a  better  rooster  than  that  sent  over  by 
Bert.  Raulston.  Our  rooster  and  Abe  King's 
fought  at  intervals  all  day,  but  finally  the 
stranger  was  compelled  to  retreat,  and  return 
home.  But,  while  our  rooster  had  won  a  splen 
did  victory,  he  had  been  cruelly  punished.  For 
days  he  rested  out  in  the  hay,  and  we  saw  little 
of  him.  There  was  nothing  in  either  encounter 
except  a  fight:  no  principle;  simply  punishment 
for  the  three  best  chickens  in  the  neighborhood. 
—  200  — 


W  AR 

If  our  rooster  is  compelled  every  week  or  two 
to  whip  the  best  rooster  in  the  neighborhood,  I 
plainly  see  the  result:  he  will  finally  be  com 
pelled  to  give  up  the  championship  belt.  He  is 
being  overloaded. 


10. 

Fights  of  this  character  go  on  not  only  in 
every  barnyard  in  the  country,  but  in  every  store 
and  office.  Whoever  has  opposition  has  a  fight 
on  his  hands.  And  it  is  men  and  roosters  who 
have  opposition.  At  one  time  during  my  busi 
ness  career,  I  was  fighting  three  roosters  at  one 
time ;  three  newspapers  in  my  town  were  abusing 
me.  Several  out-of-town  roosters  have  fought 
me;  not  because  I  had  offended  them,  but  be 
cause  it  is  the  disposition  of  roosters  and  men  to 
fight.  There  was  no  great  prize  in  my  barn 
yard;  no  great  prospect  of  advancement,  but  I 
was  compelled  to  fight  as  though  fighting  for  a 
kingdom.  And  how  I  have  been  battered  up! 
The  punishment  that  hurt  me  most  was  the  evi 
dent  enjoyment  the  other  chickens  found  in  see 
ing  three  roosters  on  me  at  one  time. 

—  201  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

11. 

After  fighting  the  world  all  day,  a  man  is  too 
often  compelled  to  fight  his  women  folks  at 
night,  and  the  preachers  on  Sunday.  For  the 
preachers  often  abuse  the  men  as  unfairly  as 
the  shiftless  abuse  the  industrious;  and  so  do 
the  women. 


—  202  — 


XVIII 
OLD  AGE 

1. 

People  do  not  like  the  old,  and  are  not  kind 
to  them;  the  old  suffer  greater  wrongs  than  the 
poor.  The  greatest  thing  in  the  world  for  the 
old  is  Rainy  Day  Money;  there  is  more  comfort 
in  it  than  in  love  and  duty  combined. 

2. 

How  good  we  all  are,  in  theory,  to  the  old; 
and  how  in  fact  we  wish  them  to  wander  off  like 
old  dogs,  die  without  bothering  us,  and  bury 
themselves. 

3. 

Most  people  claim  to  be  younger  than  they 
really  are,  which  seems  to  me  to  be  the  cheapest 
of  all  follies.  You  know  my  age,  if  you  have 
taken  a  look  at  me,  and  I  know  yours;  and  I  do 
not  try  to  fool  people  about  other  things,  for  the 
same  reason. 

—  203  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

4. 

I  should  say  youth  is  a  thing  not  to  be  proud 
of,  but  rather  a  thing  to  be  grateful  for. 

5. 

My  principal  trouble  is  age.  What  is  the 
remedy?  There  is  no  remedy.  And  there  is 
no  remedy  for  other  natural  human  ills.  We 
can't  get  rid  of  the  terrors  of  death  and  of  birth, 
and  we  can't  get  rid  of  poverty. 

6. 

At  thirty,  sons  think  they  can  improve  on  the 
conduct  of  their  fathers,  but  in  the  end  find  in 
surmountable  difficulties,  as  their  fathers  did. 
And  then  the  sons  become  old,  sit  in  the  chimney 
corners,  and  are  scolded  by  sons  in  a  manner 
almost  as  humiliating  as  a  whipping. 

7. 

Don't  be  conceited  because  you  are  young  and 
good  looking.  Remember  that  you  will  soon 
lose  both.  Remember  that  the  young  are  flat 
tered  as  Socialists,  or  members  of  labor  unions 
are  flattered,  and  that  there  is  a  good  deal  of 
mean  talk  behind  their  backs. 
—  204  — 


OLD   AGE 


8. 

Did  the  Oldest  Inhabitant  really  know  Colum 
bus  and  Ponce  de  Leon,  as  he  claims?  Did  he 
kill  as  many  bears  and  Indians  as  he  says  he 
did?  Will  he  finally  claim  to  have  known 
Jesus?  He  is  the  oldest  man  in  town,  and  no 
one  is  able  to  dispute  him.  Stories  of  the  past, 
when  well  told,  are  always  popular.  Did  the 
whale  swallow  Jonah?  Whether  it  did  or  not, 
the  story  is  a  good  one,  and  will  never  be  forgot 
ten.  The  stories  of  the  oldest  inhabitant  finally 
become  history. 

9. 

Professor  Eli  Metchnikoff  has  long  interested 
me;  it  was  generally  said  of  him  that  he  was 
one  of  the  first  dozen  of  the  world's  ablest  men, 
judged  by  education  and  natural  intelligence. 
One  of  his  contentions  was  that  death  between 
the  ages  of  sixty  and  eighty  was  not  natural, 
and  that  it  should  not  be  uncommon  for  people 
to  live  to  be  one  hundred  and  fifty  years  old. 
Yet  this  man  died  in  Paris  lately  at  the  age  of 
seventy-one,  after  a  long  and  painful  illness. 
Metchnikoff  had  all  that  education  and  natural 
—  205  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

intelligence  may  give  any  man,  yet  in  his  own 
case,  after  persistently  following  his  health 
formulas,  he  missed  his  guess  by  seventy-nine 
years! 

I  am  not  laughing  at  the  man;  I  admired  him 
greatly.  He  enjoyed  the  undisputed  distinction 
of  being  as  intelligent  and  well  educated  as  any 
one  living;  it  was  agreed  that  only  eleven  others 
equaled  him  in  these  respects.  It  is  a  distinc 
tion  greater  than  that  enjoyed  by  any  general, 
poet,  artist  or  statesman  of  the  past  or  present; 
but  with  his  greater  equipment,  his  guess  was  as 
poor  as  yours  or  mine.  He  was  right  in  the 
opinion  that  the  human  mechanism  should  last 
longer  than  it  does.  I  know  that,  and  so  do  you. 
The  trouble  is,  we  are  born  of  short  lived  par 
ents;  had  our  parents  "taken  care  of  themselves" 
as  they  should,  they  would  have  lived  longer, 
and  we  might  live  longer.  If  the  race  would 
begin  now,  and  live  sensibly  for  a  thousand 
years,  it  might  not  be  uncommon,  at  the  end  of 
that  time,  for  people  to  live  to  the  age  of  one 
hundred  and  fifty  years.  But  it  is  not  possible 
now.  Metchnikoff  himself  lived  a  sensible  life, 
but  the  follies  of  his  ancestors  killed  him  at 
seventy-one. 

—  206  — 


OLD   AGE 


10. 

Millions  of  people  are  now  drinking  butter 
milk,  because  of  MetchnikofFs  claim  that  the 
principal  agent  in  senile  decay  is  continuous 
auto- intoxication  of  the  body  through  putrefac 
tion  in  the  large  intestines,  and  that  this  may  be 
successfully  combatted  by  the  continued  use  of 
sour  milk.  People  who  do  not  know  much  con 
stantly  tell  me  to  take  this  or  that  for  my  head 
ache;  there  is  a  babble  of  good  advice  about 
everything  from  men  and  women  who  probably 
do  not  know  what  they  are  talking  about,  be 
cause  they  lack  sense  and  education.  But  here 
comes  Eli  Metchnikoff ,  one  of  the  twelve  of  the 
world's  most  intelligent  men.  In  addition,  he 
had  as  good  an  education  as  a  man  can  acquire; 
he  had  the  advantage  of  laboratories,  of  elab 
orate  experiments  of  every  kind;  of  association 
with  the  world's  scholars.  He  had  access  to  the 
best  books,  and  had  a  mind  which  enabled  him 
to  extract  such  value  as  books  possess;  he  made 
long  journeys  to  other  countries,  to  study  condi 
tions  and  results.  So  far  as  man  may  be  sensi 
ble,  here  was  a  sensible  man:  he  was  equipped 
to  know  all  a  man  may  know.  This  unusual 
—  207  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

man  told  me  buttermilk  was  a  good  thing;  that 
if  I  drank  a  quart  of  it  every  day,  I  might  live 
to  be  a  hundred  and  fifty  years  old.  And  there 
doesn't  seem  to  be  anything  in  the  buttermilk 
story,  since  Metchnikoff  drank  sour  milk  many 
years,  and  died  at  seventy-one! 

11. 

You  must  be  your  own  philosopher,  teacher 
and  friend.  Metchnikoff,  a  colossus  of  natural 
intelligence  and  education,  was  unable  to  do 
anything  for  you.  Build  up  a  little  philosophy 
of  your  own,  based  on  simple  truths  of  which 
there  is  no  doubt,  and  live  up  to  it  the  best  you 
can.  What's  the  use  of  life  after  sixty  or 
seventy,  anyway? 


—  208  — 


XIX 

FAME 

1. 

One  of  the  noted  men  of  the  world  is  Georg 
Brandes.  I  only  know  he  is  noted ;  I  have  never 
read  a  line  he  has  written:  nothing  of  his  has 
ever  come  in  my  way.  A  famous  man  in  my 
small  collection  is  Dr.  Samuel  Johnson.  Why 
is  this  man  in  my  mind?  Do  I  admire  him? 
I  do  not.  Have  I  read  anything  he  has  written? 
I  have  not,  although  I  have  tried  to  read  "Ras- 
selas,"  and  failed.  The  principal  thing  that  in 
terested  me  in  his  history  is  that  he  was  once 
invited  to  breakfast,  and  remained  at  the  house 
as  a  guest  twenty  years,  although  members  of 
the  family  tried  to  get  rid  of  him,  and  finally 
succeeded,  when  he  was  too  old  to  follow  them. 

2. 

When  the  Centennial  Exposition  opened,  1876, 
an  original  poem  by  John  G.  Whittier  was  read, 
—  209  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

and  I  still  remember  a  line  of  it,  although  I  do 
not  care  for  poetry.  Whittier's  fame  will  live 
long.  But  how  about  the  millions  of  unknown 
men  who  created  that  great  exposition  of  busy 
men  and  their  deeds?  There  are  a  hundred 
thousand  unknown  men  better  entitled  to  fame 
than  Whittier;  busy  men,  workers  at  more  useful 
tasks  than  poetry.  One  of  them  was  the  man 
who  invented  the  process  of  preserving  vege 
tables.  Another,  the  man  who  invented  the 
process  of  condensing  milk,  and  keeping  it  in 
definitely  in  cans.  And  what  a  great  and  un 
known  fellow  that  was  who  invented  the  process 
of  refrigerating  sheep  carcasses,  and  shipping 
them  in  refrigerating  ships  to  the  markets  of  the 
world  from  Australia!  He  made  a  continent 
prosperous,  and  reduced  the  price  of  meat  for 
millions  of  people.  Yet  you  do  not  know  his 
name,  nor  do  I.  Whittier  was  really  nothing 
more  than  an  amiable  old  gentleman  given  to 
verses.  What  did  he  ever  do  to  place  his  name 
so  high  on  the  roll  of  fame?  He  wrote  of  the 
falling  snow,  and  the  merry  prattle  of  children, 
but  let  us  consider  more  justly  those  men  who 
feed  and  educate  the  children,  and  break  through 
the  snow  drifts. 

—  210  — 


XX 

CRITICS 

1. 

We  all  devote  too  much  time  to  criticism. 
You  exaggerate;  I  exaggerate.  Often  this  ex 
change  of  criticism,  foolish  and  unwarranted  in 
the  first  place,  results  in  a  fight;  it  has  resulted 
in  men  being  killed;  in  men  being  hanged,  or 
going  to  the  penitentiary. 

2. 

The  word  "critic"  sounds  well,  but  it  really 
doesn't  mean  as  well  as  it  sounds.  It  describes, 
I  sometimes  think,  the  meanest  trait  in  human 
nature.  Don't  become  excited  over  your  opin 
ion  that  a  certain  thing  is  worthless.  Your 
neighbor  may  like  it;  you  are  only  one  of  mil 
lions  of  critics.  Criticism  has  been  overdone; 
it  has  become  largely  devilishness.  The  most 
merciless  critic  I  ever  knew — and,  I  may  add, 
the  ablest — has  been  a  charge  on  the  county 
—  211  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

many  years,  as  an  inmate  of  the  poorhouse. 
And  not  a  single  one  of  those  he  criticized  is 
in  the  poorhouse  with  him.  But  how  merci 
lessly  he  flayed  people  who  were  really  doing 
fairly  well!  Express  your  disapproval  of  bad 
actions  certainly,  but  the  man  who  makes  a  mis 
take  of  any  kind  will  be  punished;  you  needn't 
worry  about  that,  if  that  is  your  motive.  And 
the  critic  who  criticizes  too  much,  is  punished: 
never  fear  as  to  that,  either.  Insist  upon  the 
best  possible  service  from  the  government,  from 
the  corporations,  from  every  one;  but,  in  the 
name  of  decency,  do  not  make  foul,  untruthful 
charges  against  worthy  men  who  are  doing  their 
best;  who  are  really  doing  well:  who  are  doing 
better  than  you  are  doing.  The  people  have 
many  sins  to  answer  for,  and  they  never  sin  so 
needlessly  and  viciously  as  when  they  are  pawing 
the  earth  and  bellowing  as  critics. 

3. 

Don't  be  so  critical  as  to  hate  everybody. 

4. 

A  man  is  never  so  fair  as  when  he  talks  face 
to  face  with  those  he  is  disposed  to  criticize. 
—  212  — 


CRITICS 


5. 

We  the  people  criticize  the  critics;  we  do  not 
accept  criticism  from  them. 

6. 

I  saw  a  very  good  thing  in  a  magazine  the 
other  day:  a  writer  wrote  a  criticism  of  a  critic. 
There  should  be  more  of  that  sort  of  writing: 
critics  are  becoming  very  absurd. 


—  213  — 


XXI 

THRIFT 

1. 

I  am  not  a  rich  man ;  in  this  prosperous  age  I 
cannot  be  classed  as  well-to-do.  But  during  a 
long  life  I  saved  a  little  for  old  age.  I  know  it 
was  my  duty  to  deny  myself  in  youth  that  I 
might  not  later  be  a  dependent.  I  know  I  did 
better  than  the  man  who  frittered  away  his  sub 
stance  and  time.  If  there  is  any  apology  to  be 
made,  let  it  be  made  by  those  who  wasted  their 
time,  failed  to  save  a  little,  and  are  now  public 
charges.  I  not  only  take  care  of  myself;  I  take 
care  of  others,  and  that  is  the  first  duty  of  every 
man.  I  have  been  robbed  by  many,  but  have 
not  robbed  any  one.  I  have  never  speculated. 
The  little  I  have  has  been  accumulated  a  dime 
at  a  time.  For  years  I  struggled  to  pay  insur 
ance  premiums.  Now  the  dimes  are  coming 
my  way,  almost  two  for  one.  Any  one  may  do 
it;  it  is  the  duty  of  every  one  to  do  it.  I  know 
—  214  — 


THRIFT 


I  am  a  better  man  than  the  loud-mouthed  loafer 
who  says  I  am  a  skinflint;  and,  what  is  better, 
my  neighbors  know  it.  I  am  that  terrible  thing, 
a  Landlord:  that  is,  I, own  a  farm,  and  have  a 
tenant.  What  do  I  get  out  of  it?  Less  than 
two  per  cent,  on  its  cost.  And  the  government 
pays  more  than  four  per  cent,  on  Liberty  bonds. 

2. 

How  is  a  fortune  made?  In  seven  cases  out 
of  ten,  this  is  the  process:  A  young  man  finds 
himself  with  a  wife,  and  a  family  of  children 
coming  on.  He  works  and  saves  with  a  view  of 
providing  for  them.  From  an  expert  workman, 
he  becomes  a  proprietor  in  a  small  way,  and 
works  long  hours.  He  discovers  that  the  more 
reliable  he  is — the  better  his  word,  the  more  tem 
perate  and  industrious  he  is,  the  more  he  helps 
his  community — the  more  his  business  grows. 
In  the  course  of  time,  his  little  business  becomes 
a  big  business,  because  of  being  well  managed. 
Finally,  along  toward  old  age,  he  becomes  well 
to  do.  And  at  forty  and  fifty,  he  practices  fair 
ness  and  politeness  more  steadily  than  he  did  as 
a  young  man,  having  discovered  with  advancing 
age  that  these  qualities  are  more  important  than 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

any  other.  At  forty,  fifty  or  sixty  he  is  more 
reliable  than  he  was  at  twenty  or  thirty,  when  a 
small  business  man  or  a  high-class  workman. 
In  short,  his  fortune  is  made  by  long  devotion  to 
work  and  to  good  human  principles. 


3. 

What  is  the  object  of  saving?  Nearly  always 
to  provide  for  sickness,  old  age ;  to  educate  chil 
dren,  to  provide  the  requirements  of  life,  to 
build  better  homes,  business  houses,  to  pay  taxes 
for  colleges,  and  other  public  buildings;  to  help 
the  weak  and  unfortunate.  In  the  name  of  com 
mon  sense,  can  any  one  object  to  this?  Is  not 
a  man  with  savings  a  better  and  more  useful 
citizen  than  his  neighbor  who  is  always  a  com 
munity  problem:  who  not  only  does  not  help  the 
community,  but  does  not  take  care  of  himself? 
Why  the  general  disposition  to  criticize  the  fru 
gal,  thrifty  man,  and  weep  for  the  shiftless?  Is 
it  not  worse  than  hypocrisy,  folly  and  meanness? 
Is  it  not  mischievous  in  that  it  encourages  many 
to  become  unnecessary  burdens  on  the  commun 
ity?  Is  it  not  a  denial  of  a  worthy  principle 
we  teach  our  children? 

—  216  — 


THRIFT 


4. 

In  every  mother's  talk  to  her  children,  she  in 
cludes  the  importance  of  thrift.  We  have  as 
much  contempt  for  the  spendthrift  as  we  have 
for  the  drunkard.  Life  is  a  very  serious  busi 
ness;  we  know  saving  is  as  important  as  indus 
try  or  politeness  or  fairness;  it  is  an  essential 
part  of  life,  this  saving  your  money,  and  avoid 
ing  becoming  a  public  or  private  charge  in  your 
old  age.  We  know  that  the  man  who  saves  a 
reasonable  part  of  his  money  is  the  most  useful 
citizen;  he  is  most  likely  to  contribute  to  worthy 
things.  He  rarely  gives  as  generously  as  the 
soliciting  Committee  demands,  but  he  gives 
something,  which  a  man  who  has  saved  nothing 
cannot  do.  Every  development  in  the  history 
of  the  country  is  due  to  thrifty  men;  men  who 
work  diligently,  and  save  something.  We  all 
know  these  things.  Then  why  do  we  so  gen 
erally  abuse  those  who  have  taken  the  advice  of 
their  mothers?  The  girls  are  taught  chastity; 
the  boys  thrift.  Yet  we  do  not  say  a  wanton  is 
better  than  a  virtuous  woman.  When  we  say  to 
a  boy:  "Become  a  good  man,"  we  mean  thrift  as 
much  as  we  mean  fairness,  politeness,  industry, 
temperance.  When  we  say  to  a  girl:  "Become 
—  217  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

a  good  woman,"  we  include  the  hope  that  she 
will  be  chaste;  chastity  is  thrift:  good  conduct 
for  its  own  sake. 

5. 

Success  should  be  praised  instead  of  con 
demned;  it  is  a  creditable  goal  we  are  all  work 
ing  for,  and  it  is  a  mistake  to  apologize  for  fail 
ure.  Millions  of  people  who  are  not  successful 
now  will  achieve  it  in  ten  or  twenty  years,  and 
they  should  not  befoul  their  own  nest  before 
they  leave  it. 


—  218  — 


XXII 
GREATNESS 

1. 

There  is  the  case  of  Bronson  Alcott.  Why 
was  he  great?  Books  have  been  written  about 
him;  people  have  been  bothered  to  contribute 
money  to  save  a  house  in  which  he  once  lived. 
The  man  was  a  failure,  and  ridiculous:  he  makes 
this  admission  himself.  He  was  a  dreamer,  a 
visionary,  and  none  of  his  dreams  or  visions 
came  true:  he  never  benefited  anybody,  and  did 
nothing  for  himself.  Yet  Bronson  Alcott  is  one 
of  America's  great  men.  Ralph  Waldo  Emer 
son  praised  him,  and  neglected  hundreds  of  men 
more  worthy.  "He  expects  heroism  and  poetry 
in  all,"  Emerson  said.  "As  pure  intellect,  I 
have  never  seen  his  equal.  All  he  sees  and 
says  is  like  astronomy,  lying  there  real  and  vast. 
He  was  the  most  extraordinary  man  and  the  high 
est  genius  of  his  time." 

All  this  praise  was  undeserved.  One  of 
—  219  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

Bronson's  "great  works"  was  the  collection  of  a 
mystical  library  of  a  thousand  volumes,  and  not 
one  of  the  books  was  worth  the  paper  on  which 
it  was  printed.  Another  of  his  "great  works" 
was  the  founding  of  a  colony  to  attract  young 
men  and  women  and  families  "desirous  of  access 
to  the  channels  and  fountains  of  wisdom  and 
purity."  This  colony  was  a  wretched  failure; 
his  associates  in  the  colony,  and  members  of  his 
own  family,  criticized  him  severely  for  laziness, 
and  for  lack  of  everything  a  real  man  should 
possess.  Every  neighborhood  in  Which  Alcott 
lived  had  plenty  of  modest  and  unknown  men 
who  could  do  useful  and  valuable  things  Alcott 
and  his  association  of  philosophers  could  not  do. 
He  seems  to  have  been  constantly  surrounded 
with  men  of  sense,  and  refused  to  learn  from 
them.  He  had  a  worthy  wife  and  a  brilliant 
daughter,  but  regarded  them  with  disdain.  Al 
cott  was  constantly  collecting  money  of  which  he 
made  no  sensible  use.  While  he  engaged  in  his 
dreams  of  mysticism,  his  wife  and  daughter  per 
formed  hard  physical  tasks  usually  assigned  to 
men,  and  made  his  living.  He  associated  with 
peculiar  people  like  himself,  who  claimed  their 
nonsense  was  something  new  and  important. 
—  220  — 


GREATNESS 


Nothing  seemed  too  excessive  to  prove  their 
emancipation  from  conventionality;  which 
means  that  they  refused  to  work,  and  looked 
upon  worthy  tasks  as  mean:  they  demanded  that 
people  "honor  projects  without  feet  and  hands," 
as  Emerson  said. 

While  his  wife  was  always  overworked,  Al- 
cott  was  forever  looking  beyond  his  own  house 
hold  for  Opportunity  to  Do  Good.  Although  he 
was  always  talking  of  a  Love  Colony,  and  saying 
big  things  to  attract  compliments  from  Emerson, 
many  openly  stated  that  his  conduct  was  despotic 
and  mean.  He  referred  to  his  movement  as 
"The  Newness,"  but  many  openly  charged  that 
his  conduct  was  old  meanness.  Noted  vision 
aries  visited  his  colony,  and  he  delighted  to  talk 
with  these  people  about  his  and  their  superior 
cultivation.  These  people  objected  to  every 
thing  their  neighbors  did;  and  the  conduct  of 
their  neighbors  was  very  much  like  yours. 

One  member  of  the  colony  of  which  Alcott  was 
the  head  would  not  wear  clothes;  another  man 
lived  an  entire  year  on  crackers,  and  the  next 
year  on  apples.  The  colonists  objected  to  trade 
and  barter;  to  the  manner  in  which  you  make  a 
living.  They  didn't  believe  in  keeping  cattle; 
991  _ 

£*£,  -L 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

they  denied  everything  mankind  has  found  to  be 
true,  important  and  convenient,  including  milk. 
They  began  the  day  with  a  music  lesson;  after 
that,  the  men  mainly  talked  philosophy,  while  the 
women  did  the  work;  the  little  work  the  men  did 
was  done  wrong.  Emerson  said  "these  men 
ought  to  be  maintained  in  their  place  by  the 
country,  for  its  culture.  I  think  there  is  as  much 
merit  in  beautiful  manners  as  in  hard  work." 
Yet  it  is  admitted  that  Mrs.  Alcott  and  her  two 
daughters,  aged  eleven  and  twelve,  were  drudges 
in  the  Colony,  in  order  that  the  lazy  frequenters 
of  the  place  might  indulge  in  fine  manners  and 
conversation. 

The  idlers,  of  course,  wrote  much,  and  pub 
lished  When  editors  could  be  imposed  upon. 
"This  morning  after  breakfast,"  one  of  their 
writers  said,  "a  conversation  was  held  on  Friend 
ship  and  its  laws  and  conditions.  Mr.  Alcott 
places  innocence  first;  Larned,  thoughtf ulness ;  I, 
seriousness;  Lane,  fidelity."  Think  of  four  ro 
bust  loafers  taking  a  music  lesson  the  first  thing 
in  the  morning,  and  next  engaging  in  a  long  and 
dreary  conversation  about  Friendship,  instead 
of  going  out  to  work! 

The  value  of  the  Conversations  did  not  seem 
—  222  — 


GREATNESS 


to  be  great.  One  of  the  Fruitlands  philosophers, 
a  man  named  Lane,  said:  "After  I  heard  them 
talk  a  few  minutes,  I'll  be  cursed  if  I  knew 
whether  I  had  any  mind  at  all."  The  Conver 
sation  about  Friendship  was  held  on  the  morning 
of  July  13.  The  following  morning  the  same 
idlers  had  a  Conversation  on  the  Highest  Aim. 

2. 

In  the  evening,  there  was  another  Conversa 
tion;  wherein  a  man  named  Hecker  talked  rather 
roughly  to  Mr.  Alcott.  He  accused  him  of  lack 
of  frankness;  said  he  had  a  too  decided  tendency 
toward  Literature,  and  not  enough  toward  Fruit. 
It  seems  that  Mr.  Alcott  lived  in  a  place  called 
Fruitlands,  and  taught  that  fruit  should  be  his 
principal  diet,  but  Hecker  called  attention  to 
the  fact  that  there  was  almost  no  fruit  on  the 
place,  owing  to  shiftlessness,  literature,  too  much 
talk,  etc. 

"This,"  said  Hecker,  "is  not  the  place  for  my 
soul." 

Hecker  later  said  he  was  received  at  Fruit- 
lands  (where  there  was  no  fruit)  because  Al 
cott  thought  he  (Hecker)  had  money.  Hecker 
said,  also: 

—  223  — 


VENTURES  IN  COMMON  SENSE 

"Fruitlands  was  a  place  where  Mr.  Alcott 
looked  benign  and  talked  philosophy,  while  Mrs. 
Alcott  and  the  children  did  the  work.  And  Al 
cott  persevered  in  this  exercise  until  his  latest 
day.  He  was  naturally  and  constitutionally 
odd.  He  was  a  consecrated  crank,  as  were 
Emerson  and  Thoreau.  Alcott  was  unquestion 
ably  one  of  those  who  like  to  sit  upon  a  platform, 
and  he  may  have  liked  to  feel  that  his  venerable 
aspect  had  the  effect  of  a  benediction.  His  idea 
was  human  perfection." 

I  am  obliged  to  Hecker  for  saying  Emerson 
and  Thoreau  were  Consecrated  Cranks;  it  saves 
me  the  trouble  of  expressing  that  opinion. 

3. 

Louisa  Alcott,  the  noted  daughter  of  Bronson 
Alcott,  wrote  a  diary  at  Fruitlands,  and  in  it 
appears  these  notations: 

"Father  has  gone  away  to  preach.  We  all 
went  to  the  barn  and  husked  corn." 

The  farming  operations  of  the  philosophers 
were  equally  shiftless.  "No  sooner  did  a  crop 
show  some  sort  of  promise,"  says  one  historian, 
"than  they  turned  it  back  into  the  earth  again." 
One  of  their  notions  was  that  it  was  a  sin  to  use 
—  224  — 


GREATNESS 


barnyard  manure  to  enrich  the  soil.  And  they 
cultivated  the  ground  with  spades  instead  of 
plows,  in  order  that  oxen  and  horses  might  have 
their  rights. 

Alcott  once  appeared  in  New  York,  and,  be 
ing  asked  what  brought  him  there,  replied:  "I 
don't  know;  it  seems  a  miracle  I  am  here."  But 
it  was  during  this  visit  to  New  York  that  he  pro 
duced  some  more  of  the  "Literature"  Emerson 
admired  so  much:  he  said  only  a  few  of  the  in 
habitants  of  New  York  were  alive:  his  objection 
to  them  was  that  they  did  not  live  perfectly,  as 
he  did. 

Money  had  been  collected  by  the  followers  of 
Alcott  to  pay  the  expenses  of  the  visit  to  New 
York,  but  this  was  exhausted  by  the  time  he  was 
ready  to  return  home.  He  went  aboard  the  boat, 
however,  and  being  called  on  for  a  ticket,  said 
he  had  no  ticket,  and  no  money. 
,  "But,"  he  said  to  the  ticket  collector,  with  the 
genial  smile  his  associates  learned  to  thoroughly 
dislike,  "I  am  willing  to  pay  my  passage  by  ad 
dressing  the  passengers  and  crew  with  a  little 
Conversation  in  the  saloon." 

While  Mr.  Alcott  was  wandering  about  in  this 
vagrant  way,  and  causing  ticket  takers  to  indulge 

99^ 

£i£ttj 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

in  rough  language,  Mrs.  Alcott  and  her  daugh 
ters  were  working  in  the  fields.  Mrs.  Alcott 
lacked,  one  of  the  cranks  said,  spiritual  insight. 
But  it  is  agreed  that  she  worked  her  fingers 
nearly  to  the  bone,  in  spite  of  the  fact  that  the 
philosophers  were  always  grumbling  at  her. 
They  had  decided  that  no  lamp  should  be  used 
at  Fruitlands,  because  the  oil  contained  animal 
fat,  but  Mrs.  Alcott  asked:  "How  can  I  sew  and 
mend  without  light?"  She  was  busy  in  the 
fields  during  the  day,  poor  woman,  owing  to  her 
shiftless  husband  and  the  shiftless  loafers  he  at 
tracted  to  his  house. 

A  sane  man  who  happened  along  attests  that 
Mrs.  Alcott  was  "one  of  the  most  refined  persons 
I  ever  knew.  She  told  me  that  in  1843-44  she 
feared  for  her  husband's  sanity;  he  did  such 
strange  things  without  seeming  to  know  how  odd 
they  were;  wearing  only  linen  clothes  and  can 
vas  shoes,  and  eating  only  vegetables." 

Mr.  Alcott  once  retired  to  his  room,  and  re 
fused  food  for  days;  he  almost  died  of  absti 
nence  and  grief.  He  realized  that  his  plan  to 
provide  a  Holy  Place  for  mankind  was  not  only 
a  failure,  but  ridiculous.  But  he  kept  saying: 
"Emerson  understands  me;  only  Emerson,  of 
—  226  — 


GREATNESS 


this  age,  knows  me.  Well,  every  one  does  not 
find  one  man;  many  are  they  who  live  and  die 
alone,  known  only  to  their  survivors  of  an  after- 
century." 

Emerson  did  not  understand  Alcott;  he  wrote 
of  him  later: 

"The  plight  of  Mr.  Alcott!  The  most  refined 
and  advanced  soul  we  have  had  in  New  England ; 
who  makes  all  other  souls  appear  cheap  and  me 
chanical.  Yet  because  he  cannot  earn  money  by 
his  talk  or  his  pen,  or  by  school  keeping  or  book 
keeping,  or  editing,  or  any  kind  of  meanness — 
nay,  for  this  very  cause  that  he  is  ahead  of  his 
contemporaries,  is  higher  than  they,  it  is  the 
unanimous  opinion  of  New  England  judges  that 
this  man  must  die!" 

How  people  of  this  class  love  to  write  this  sort 
of  thing  about  each  other!  It  is  the  "Literature" 
they  love. 

Alcott,  about  this  time,  confessed  in  a  poem 
called  "The  Return"  that  he  was  insane.  Pos 
terity  may  decide  whether  Emerson  or  Alcott  was 
right.  Another  piece  of  "Literature"  he  thought 
up  was  that  the  milk  belongs  to  the  calf,  and  that 
the  chicken  has  a  right  to  its  existence  as  well  as 
the  human  infant;  therefore  he  would  not  eat 
—  227  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

eggs.  Even  the  canker-worms  that  infested  the 
apple  trees  were  not  to  be  molested,  he  said;  they 
had  as  much  right  to  the  apples  as  man  had. 

4. 

Not  only  Emerson  wrote  odes  to  this  man  Al- 
cott.  Thoreau  called  him  "the  guest  of  angels; 
a  mounting  sage." 

James  Russell  Lowell  wrote  of  him:  "He 
shames  the  higgling  market  place;  hear  him  but 
speak,  and  you  will  feel  the  shadows  of  the 
Portico." 

Alcott  had  a  better  appreciation  of  himself. 
He  wrote: 

"Let  me  never  attempt  again  what  is  beyond 
my  being's  powers." 

And  after  the  Community  had  been  broken  up, 
and  the  world  was  laughing  at  the  Conversations, 
and  the  wreck  of  the  New  Eden,  one  of  Alcott's 
fellow  cranks  said: 

"The  world  has  decided  pretty  truly." 

A  man  of  sense  visited  Fruitlands,  to  laugh 
at  the  inmates,  and  said : 

"Alcott  would  have  been  sent  to  a  lunatic 
asylum  had  he  not  already  been  in  one." 

Alcott  and  his  followers  haunted  reform  con- 
—  228  — 


GREATNESS 


ventions,  where  they  were  soon  voted  nuisances, 
owing  to  their  advanced  notions.  Had  he  been 
a  drunkard,  he  could  not  have  made  a  more  com 
plete  failure  of  life;  yet  Emerson,  Thoreau  and 
Lowell  wrote  tributes  to  him. 

And  how  harshly  this  same  trio  of  sages  criti* 
cized  plain,  useful  and  sensible  men  and  women! 

5. 

The  world  is  full  of  Bronson  Alcotts  to-day. 
You  may  find  a  Bronson  Alcott  in  every  com 
munity;  a  nuisance,  yet  loudly  announcing  that 
he  is  superior  to  useful,  sensible  and  worthy  peo 
ple.  Why  should  we  make  heroes  of  these  fool 
ish  men?  Why  not  declare  the  truth  about  them 
now,  instead  of  hereafter?  Why  submit  to  their 
untruthful  and  foolish  abuse?  Why  submit  to 
the  unnecessary  trouble  they  cause? 


—  229  — 


XXIII 

MATERIALISM 

1. 

Every  man  on  the  face  of  the  earth  lives  by 
the  doctrine  of  materialism,  whatever  may  be  his 
pretensions.  We  know  nothing  but  materialism; 
all  else  is  but  a  guess,  and  a  poor  guess  at  that. 
Every  sane  man  regulates  his  affairs  by  the  doc 
trine  of  materialism;  he  believes  it  because  hu 
man  experience  has  brought  us  nothing  else. 
And  a  doctrine  that  is  accepted  more  universally 
than  any  other,  no  one  need  be  ashamed  of:  if 
there  is  to  be  any  blushing,  let  it  be  for  theories 
that  centuries  have  failed  to  verify. 

2. 

A  materialist  is  one  who  believes  in  the  known 
history  of  the  world,  proved  by  long  experience 
and  investigation,  and  does  not  believe  in  fables 
which  have  never  been  proven  in  a  single  in 
stance.  If  you  do  not  believe  a  woman  can  sit 
—  230  — 


MA  TERIALISM 


in  her  office  in  New  York,  and,  for  a  fee  of  two 
dollars,  cure  a  sick  man  in  Minnesota,  you  are 
a  materialist.  If  you  believe  men  are  born  ac 
cording  to  a  well-known  law,  and  live  and  die  ac 
cording  to  the  same  law,  you  are  a  materialist. 
If  you  believe  in  making  the  best  of  your  oppor 
tunities,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you  believe 
there  is  always  answer  to  chloroform  when  ap 
plied  to  a  man's  nose,  and  doubt  that  hypnotism 
is  an  equally  practical  and  effective  agent  in 
surgery,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you  believe 
an  industrious  man  should  prosper  more  than  an 
idle  one,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you  have  an 
important  message  to  send,  and  send  it  by  means 
of  the  telegraph,  or  the  telephone,  or  by  mail,  in 
stead  of  telepathy,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you 
believe  in  social  order,  and  security  from  the  idle 
and  vicious;  if  you  believe  in  every  principle 
tried  out  in  human  experience,  and  found  best 
for  all,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you  believe  in 
parents  directing  children,  you  are  a  materialist. 
The  notion  that  adults  know  more  than  children, 
came  from  human  experience:  the  adult  knows 
that  fire  burns,  that  water  drowns;  and  shelters 
the  child  from  these  destructive  but  useful  agents. 
If  by  a  life  of  worthy  industry,  you  accumulate 

—  231  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

a  modest  competence  for  the  days  when  you  are 
no  longer  able  to  work,  you  are  a  materialist. 
If  you  believe  in  education,  in  progress,  in  bet 
tering  the  average  condition  of  everybody  by  ac 
cepted  methods,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you 
provide  Christmas  gifts  for  your  children,  and 
know  that  Santa  Glaus  did  not  come  down  the 
chimney  at  night  and  leave  them,  you  are  a 
materialist.  If  you  are  careful  and  intelligent, 
and  know  that  many  promises  and  statements  are 
untrue,  you  are  a  materialist.  If,  when  you 
loan  money,  you  accept  security,  you  are  a  ma 
terialist.  If  you  believe  in  industry,  experience 
having  taught  you  that  idleness  is  punished;  if 
you  fear  to  tell  a  lie,  or  do  a  dishonest  act,  be 
cause  you  have  learned  that  honesty  and  truth 
fulness  are  better,  you  are  a  materialist.  If  you 
refrain  from  shooting  a  man  when  angry,  you 
are  a  materialist. 

3. 

Materialism  is  the  base  of  science,  which  is 
knowledge,  and  whoever  denies  it  butts  his  head 
against  a  stone  wall. 


—  232  — 


XXIV 

FRIENDSHIP 

1. 

Most  people  expect  too  much  of  friends.  I 
may  have  once  expected  a  great  deal,  too,  but  I 
do  not  now.  I  have  not  only  learned  that  if  I 
expect  a  great  deal,  I  will  be  disappointed:  I 
have  learned  that  I  have  no  right  to  expect  it. 
And  I  have  my  share  of  good  friends,  and  appre 
ciate  them  sincerely.  You  should  be  ashamed 
to  impose  on  any  one  so  generous  as  to  be  fond 
of  you ;  expect  no  more  of  friends  than  you  give. 
Impose  on  friends,  and  you  will  lose  them;  that 
is  human  nature,  and  we  will  never  be  able  to 
rise  above  human  nature.  If  I  ever  impose  on 
friends  they  may  be  sure  I  experience  great 
shame  and  humility,  as  I  deserve.  If  you  have 
anything  undesirable  to  sell,  and  apply  first  to 
friends,  that  is  meanness,  and  they  will  notice  it. 
If  you  criticize  friends  severely,  it  usually  means 
you  have  been  expecting  too  much  of  them. 
—  233  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

2. 

Instead  of  loving  your  enemy,  treat  your 
friend  a  little  better. 

3. 

We  are  all  looking  for  Appreciation.  It  is  a 
misfortune  to  get  more  than  you  deserve.  If 
your  friends  believe,  or  pretend  to  believe,  you 
are  stronger  than  you  really  are,  you  are  apt  to 
get  the  idea  yourself,  and  attempt  a  fight  with 
a  foe  too  stout  for  you. 

4. 

This  much  may  be  said  about  the  enthusiasm 
of  people:  They  praise  friends  as  lavishly  and 
untruthfully  as  they  abuse  enemies. 


—  234  — 


XXV 

REVOLUTION 

1. 

For  centuries  we  thought  that  by  means  of 
Christianity  we  could  induce  those  with  a  large 
store  to  divide  with  those  who  had  little  or  noth 
ing.  This  policy  failed,  and  we  have  adopted 
another  war  cry:  Socialism.  Under  this  ban 
ner  all  the  world  is  again  assembling  for  a 
descent  on  the  rich  valleys  of  the  enemy. 

2. 

How  the  Russian  revolutionists  loved  each 
other  before  they  had  anything  to  divide!  They 
were  all  Brothers;  Comrades.  .  .  .  But  as  soon 
as  they  won,  they  engaged  in  a  row  over  the 
spoils  that  shook  the  earth.  They  could  not 
agree  as  to  what  was  coming  to  this  Brother  or 
that  Comrade,  so  they  began  cutting  the  throats 
of  each  other;  there  wasn't  much  in  the  Comrade 
and  Brother  talk,  after  all. 

—  235  — 


VENTURES   IN    COMMON    SENSE 

3. 

Only  a  few  men  are  willing  to  actually  revolt, 
and  throw  up  barricades  and  set  fire  to  things  as 
a  protest;  but  nearly  every  man  is  a  mental  an 
archist. 

4. 

I  do  not  blame  a  man  for  rebelling  occasion 
ally;  in  fact,  I  recommend  it.  Every  man  must 
at  times  read  the  riot  act,  and  make  his  language 
good  and  strong;  indeed,  it  sometimes  happens 
that  a  fight  is  about  the  only  thing  that  will  do 
any  good.  But  after  your  rebellion,  return  to 
your  work,  and  attend  to  it  patiently  and  care 
fully,  for  that  is  what  is  actually  coming  to  a 
man.  There  may  be  much  leisure  for  a  woman, 
but  not  much  was  ever  intended  for  a  man. 
Therefore  a  man  should  not  start  a  newspaper 
or  society  to  protest  and  scream.  The  only 
thing  for  a  man  to  do  is  to  make  his  slavery  as 
easy  as  possible. 

5. 

The  people  have  been  taught  rebellion  so  long 
and  persistently  that  they  have  escaped  from  the 
rebel  leaders,  and  are  rebelling  against  many 
—  236  — 


REVOLUTION 


things  as  good  as  we  can  make  them.  The  Pro 
testants  taught  us  to  rebel  against  Catholicism, 
and  now  we  are  in  open  rebellion  against  Pro 
testantism  also.  The  Republican  leaders,  in 
teaching  us  the  folly  of  Democratic  claims,  have 
caused  us  to  see  the  folly  of  Republican  claims. 

6. 

There  is  smothered  rebellion  in  every  nation, 
state,  city,  village,  neighborhood  and  family, 
but  it  usually  smolders  because  the  wisest  men 
have  discovered  that  playing  with  fire  is  a  dan 
gerous  thing.  Are  you  able  to  rebel  as  you  sit 
before  your  fire,  thinking  over  your  affairs,  and 
return  to  your  weary  work  next  morning  with 
the  knowledge  that  rebellion  does  not  pay?  If 
you  are  in  rebellion,  make  the  best  possible  terms 
with  life,  take  a  whipping,  and  in  future  obey 
the  rules  a  little  better.  Those  not  in  open  re 
bellion  are  accomplishing  more  than  the  rebels. 

7. 

In  case  there  is  ever  a  revolution  in  the  United 
States,  I  hope  it  will  be  a  sensible  one.     That  will 
be  a  novelty  in  world  history.     Such  a  revolu 
tion  would  be  bloodless;  the  fools  would  escape 
—  237  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

punishment,  except  that  they  would  be  compelled 
to  go  to  work.  The  New  Revolution  would 
sweep  over  the  land,  and  teach  more  temperance, 
industry,  politeness,  fairness,  modesty,  efficiency, 
and  more  of  everything  else  long  experience  has 
demonstrated  to  be  of  value.  But  as  soon  as  a 
fool  proposed  another  plan  for  more  human  bet 
terment  than  is  possible,  the  Revolutionists 
would  say  to  him:  "Now,  now,  now;  we've  tried 
that";  and  gently  force  him  back  to  his  work. 

8. 

There  are  a  great  many  bosses  in  the  world; 
you  find  them  in  every  store,  school,  office,  shop, 
home,  and  on  every  farm.  It  is  a  rare  man  or 
woman  who  is  not  boss  to  some  one.  Let  me 
beg  you  to  be  a  fair  boss.  It  is  the  easiest  way 
to  do  your  work.  Rudeness  and  unfairness  to 
those  under  you  foment  revolution.  This  day 
when  all  the  world  is  excited  about  individual 
rights  is  a  particularly  bad  time  for  a  bad  boss. 
Any  one  who  administers  authority  unfairly  is  a 
scoundrel,  whether  he  reigns  over  a  half  dozen 
or  a  thousand.  Every  divorce  suit  is  a  revolu 
tion;  every  child  who  runs  away  is  a  revolution 
against  a  boss.  Friends  quarrel  because  one 
—  238  — 


REVOLUTION 


or  the  other  has  been  over-loaded;  even  parents 
revolt  because  children  are  not  reasonable  bosses. 
There  are  many  revolutions  of  this  kind  of  which 
the  world  never  hears. 


—  239  — 


XXVI 

SOCIOLOGY 

1. 

Sociology  looks  like  a  big  word  in  print,  but 
it  really  means  nothing  more  than  human  ex 
perience.  Countless  millions  of  men  and  wo 
men  have  studied  it,  from  actual  contact  with 
life.  When  a  mother  tries  to  bring  her  children 
up  in  a  way  to  make  them  as  healthy  and  happy 
as  possible,  with  a  view  of  making  them  good 
men  and  women,  that  is  sociology.  Everything 
connected  with  human  life  is  sociology.  And  in 
studying  this  science,  the  millions  of  students  in 
actual  life  have  finally  admitted  the  facts,  al 
though  many  of  them  have  had  theories  they 
wouldn't  trust. 

2. 

Sociology  has  studied  every  human  problem 
a  million  times,  from  actual  contact  with  the 
problem  millions  of  times,  and  to-day  we  have 
—  240  — 


SOCIOLOGY 


certain  rules  of  human  conduct  as  well  known  as 
that  the  sun  will  rise  in  the  east  to-morrow  morn 
ing.  No  one  need  go  astray  on  conduct,  if  he 
is  willing  to  accept  the  human  experience  of 
countless  centuries;  the  experience  of  men  and 
women  everywhere  who  have  been  trying  to  get 
along  as  comfortably  and  easily  as  possible. 
And  the  theory  of  one  man,  however  smart  he 
is,  is  not  equal  to  the  experience  of  millions. 
Accept  experience  as  your  guide,  and  you  can 
not  go  far  wrong.  And  in  every  neighborhood 
you  will  find  intelligent,  fair  men  who  have 
traveled  the  Long  Road,  and  are  willing  to  point 
out  the  easiest  way;  to  say  nothing  of  libraries 
of  books  everywhere,  all  agreeing  on  the  simple 
facts  of  life. 

3. 

There  is  a  natural  disposition  in  every  one  to 
burn  his  clothes,  and  run  wild,  and  this  is  en 
couraged  in  what  is  called  social  psychology. 
You  may  not  know  what  social-psychology 
means,  but  you  need  not  be  ashamed:  no  one 
does. 


—  241  — 


XXVII 

CHILDREN 

1. 

I  lately  called  at  a  home  where  I  believe  I 
was  welcome,  and  where  I  had  been  invited,  but 
was  compelled  to  leave  speedily  because  of  the 
bad  behavior  of  a  child,  which  made  so  much 
noise  that  conversation  was  impossible,  and,  in 
addition,  kicked  me  as  well  as  his  parents.  One 
of  the  conspicuous  faults  of  Americans  is  that 
their  children  are  not  well  brought  up.  The 
children  of  no  other  race  equal  ours  in  impu 
dence.  This  is  important  because  proper  rear 
ing  at  home  controls  the  child's  future.  We  can 
never  greatly  improve  until  we  improve  our 
children.  If  you  are  bringing  up  your  children 
properly,  I  congratulate  you;  but  many  children 
are  not  being  properly  brought  up.  One  of  our 
gravest  problems  is  idle  and  impudent  children. 

—  242  — 


CHILDREN 


2. 

The  affection  of  a  baby  for  its  parents  is  a 
beautiful  thing,  but  a  change  comes.  At  what 
age  does  a  boy  first  refer  to  his  father  as  the 
Old  Man?  At  what  age  does  a  girl  first  observe 
that  her  parents  are  old-fashioned,  a  little  stingy, 
too  particular?  All  this  is  very  natural  and 
human;  parents  should  recall  that  they  were 
once  children  and  began  picking  at  their  parents 
somewhere  between  eight  and  twelve.  .  .  . 
When  a  man  marries  a  woman  he  loves,  there 
comes  a  time  when  he  finds  fault  with  her,  and 
it  makes  him  feel  very  wicked.  Probably  chil 
dren  experience  the  same  feeling  when  they  first 
begin  to  find  fault  with  their  parents.  But  after 
a  time,  wives  and  husbands,  and  children,  be 
come  bolder,  and  invent  stories  on  their  rela 
tives.  ...  I  have  been  a  husband  and  parent. 
I  have  been  unfair;  I  have  been  the  victim  of  un 
fairness.  It  is  one  of  the  human  problems  about 
which  nothing  can  be  done. 


243  — 


XXVIII 

PROVINCIALISM 

1. 

It  is  a  misfortune  to  be  born  in  a  big  city,  and 
absorb  its  artificial  and  vicious  ideas;  a  big 
town  is  a  disagreeable  necessity,  like  capital 
punishment.  Most  vicious  notions  originate  in 
the  big  towns;  the  mean  men  in  the  country 
learned  their  viciousness  from  newspapers,  mag 
azines,  circulars  and  letters  sent  from  the  city. 

2. 

If  the  example  of  cities  prevailed,  we  would 
soon  have  no  morals  and  no  modesty.  The 
provinces,  jeered  at  in  cities,  save  the  country. 
Provincialism  is  the  best  thing  in  the  world. 

3. 

It  is  in  the  cities  that  women  as  well  as  men 
are  most  ridiculous.     It  is  in  the  cities  where  the 
birth    rate    is    smallest;    where    the    extreme 
—  244  — 


PROVINCIALISM 


fashions  originate.  It  is  in  the  cities  where 
women  smoke  and  drink;  it  is  where  most  bot 
tle  babies  are  found.  In  cities  criminal  opera 
tions  are  most  common.  All  these  things 
spread  from  the  cities  and  large  towns.  It  is  in 
the  country,  or  in  small  towns,  where  you  find 
longest  hours,  and  the  best  children.  It  is  in  the 
country  or  in  small  towns  where  old-fashioned 
common  sense  is  most  prevalent;  it  is  to  the  peo 
ple  in  the  country  and  small  towns  we  must  look 
for  the  regeneration. 

4. 

Country  people  should  live  more  comfortably 
than  they  do;  they  should  not  wait  for  bond 
swindlers  to  teach  them  the  importance  of  sewers 
and  waterworks,  or  wait  for  the  magazines  to 
teach  them  the  importance  of  politeness  and 
progress.  Why  do  we  not  build  good  roads, 
heating  plants,  waterworks,  sewers,  railways,  at 
first  cost?  Must  we  be  urged  into  everything 
by  rogues  who  make  fifty  per  cent.?  Cannot  we 
understand  the  importance  of  honesty,  politeness, 
without  hiring  a  man  to  preach  to  us  every  Sun 
day?  Cannot  we  provincials  think  of  patriotism 
until  a  chautauqua  lecturer  calls  our  attention  to 
—  245  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

it  at  fifty  cents  a  head?  Are  we  compelled  to 
take  a  magazine  to  learn  that  we  should  love  our 
homes  and  our  wives  and  children?  Are  we  so 
slow  in  giving  to  charity  that  professionals  are 
compelled  to  hold  us  up  like  road  agents,  and 
keep  from  forty  to  seventy  per  cent,  of  the  pro 
ceeds?  Is  it  necessary  for  half  the  people  to 
be  idlers  and  leeches  in  order  to  force  the  other 
half  to  do  what  is  hest  for  them? 


—  246  — 


XXIX 

RUMOR 

1. 

All  my  life  I  have  remarked  the  ease  with 
which  disreputable  and  untrue  stories  about  the 
men  originate  among  reputable  and  worthy  wo 
men. 

In  our  neighborhood  there  is  a  young  man 
named  Dan  Hart,  and  he  lately  had  the  mis 
fortune  to  quarrel  with  his  lady.  Mrs.  Hart 
also  has  a  temper,  and  she  went  to  the  home  of 
her  uncle,  with  whom  she  had  lived  before  her 
marriage.  She  had  occasion  to  return  home 
next  day,  after  some  of  her  clothing,  and  her 
aunt,  Mrs.  Tom  Woolson,  went  with  her. 

Mrs.  John  Harris,  a  respectable  and  worthy 
woman,  told  me  that  Mrs.  Henry  Wolf,  another 
worthy  woman,  told  her  (having  the  story  direct 
from  the  lips  of  Mrs.  Tom  Woolson)  that  when 
Mrs.  Woolson  and  Mrs.  Hart  went  to  the  Hart 
home,  they  found  Dan  lying  dead  drunk  on  the 
—  247  — 


VENTURES   IN    COMMON    SENSE 

ditry  floor,  beside  a  negro  man,  with  whom  he 
had  evidently  been  carousing.  The  entrance  of 
Mrs.  Woolson  and  Mrs.  Hart  aroused  Dan  from 
a  drunken  sleep,  and,  seeing  his  wife,  he  abused 
her  in  the  most  shameless  manner,  using  obscene 
as  well  as  profane  words.  Whereupon  Mrs. 
Woolson  grabbed  Dan,  and  shook  him  violently, 
saying: 

"Haven't  you  a  spark  of  manhood?" 
The  story  went  all  over  the  neighborhood,  and 
there  was  talk  of  tarring  and  feathering  Dan.  I 
have  known  Dan  Hart  since  he  was  a  little  boy, 
and  had  never  heard  of  his  drinking.  So  I  said 
I  didn't  believe  the  story,  but  was  alone,  I  be 
lieve,  in  discrediting  it.  Whereupon  Mrs.  Har 
ris  said  to  me,  indignantly: 

"Do  you  doubt  the  word  of  Mrs.  Woolson?" 
"No,"  I  replied,  "but  the  story  has  been  con 
fused  or  exaggerated  in  some  way,  as  is  often  the 
case  when  women  talk  about  men." 

This  angered  Mrs.  Harris,  and  she  proceeded 
to  prove  the  truth  of  the  story  by  going  direct  to 
Mrs.  Woolson. 

Mrs.  Woolson  said  nothing  of  the  kind  had  oc 
curred;  that  she  had  never  said  any  such  thing. 
Thereupon  Mrs.  Harris  went  to  Mrs.  Wolf,  from 

—  248  — 


RUMOR 


whom  she  had  the  story  direct.  Mrs.  Wolf  said 
she  had  never  said  anything  of  the  kind,  but  Mrs. 
Harris'  sister,  who  is  visiting  her,  said  Mrs. 
Wolf  did  say  it,  in  talking  of  Mrs.  Hart's  wrongs. 


2. 

The  incident  interested  me,  and  happening  to 
meet  Mrs,  Woolson,  I  asked  her  what  really  oc 
curred.  It  seems  she  really  went  to  the  Hart 
home  with  Mrs.  Hart,  where  they  found  Dan  sick 
in  bed,  and  not  on  the  floor;  he  had  worried 
greatly  about  the  separation.  Mrs.  Woolson 
says  the  meeting  of  Dan  and  his  wife  was  really 
pathetic;  that  both  cried,  and  said  they  didn't 
know  what  was  best  to  do.  Mrs.  Woolson  says 
Dan  looked  so  wretched  that  she  pitied  him,  and, 
having  known  him  all  his  life,  sat  on  the  edge  of 
the  bed,  and  stroked  his  arm.  At  the  time, 
Dan's  wife  was  standing  at  the  foot  of  the  bed, 
weeping.  No  negro  man  was  anywhere  about 
the  premises;  there  was  no  evidence  whatever 
that  Dan  had  been  drinking,  and  Mrs.  Woolson 
did  not  grab  and  shake  him,  and  ask  if  he  lacked 
even  a  spark  of  manhood. 

—  249  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

3. 

Here  is  another  terrible  story  on  a  man  un 
true  in  every  particular.  How  did  it  originate? 
The  women  who  told  it  are  excellent  women. 
With  women,  men  are  the  enemy;  I  suppose  they 
abuse  them  as  a  nation  abuses  a  people  with 
whom  it  is  at  war,  with  old  stories  told  in  other 
wars. 


—  250  — 


XXX 

SELFISHNESS 

1. 

A  man  who  is  truly  selfish  distills  nothing 
from  his  brain  or  heart  that  is  not  somewhere 
near  the  truth.  He  knows  a  stone  is  not  bread; 
when  he  marches,  he  wants  to  get  somewhere; 
after  celebrating  forty  or  fifty  birthdays  he  be 
lieves  in  old  age;  after  he  attends  a  hundred  or 
more  funerals,  he  believes  in  death;  a  selfish 
man  not  only  knows  the  weakness  of  others,  but 
also  admits  his  own.  A  selfish  man  will  not  rob 
you,  because  he  knows  you  will  make  a  disagree 
able  fuss  about  it,  and  that  the  fuss  you  make  will 
do  him  more  harm  than  the  robbery  will  do  him 
good. 

2. 

The  word  Principle  is  a  fancy  term  applied 
to  a  very  commonplace  thing.  A  man  is  honest 
because  of  selfishness;  and  usually  he  calls  his 
selfishness  principle. 

—  251  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

3. 

Every  man  is  more  or  less  of  a  trickster  when 
his  interests  are  opposed  to  yours;  you  cannot  de 
pend  on  what  people  say  when  they  describe  an 
article  they  have  for  sale,  and  which  they  hope  to 
induce  you  to  buy.  A  man  who  works  all  day 
will  meet  hundreds  of  people  with  schemes  more 
or  less  fraudulent,  and  if  he  reaches  bed  time 
with  what  is  fairly  his  own,  it  is  because  he  has 
sense  and  experience,  and  is  cautious. 

4. 

A  man  is  usually  more  careful  of  his  money 
than  he  is  of  his  principles. 

5. 

When  I  hear  of  a  quarrel,  I  know  what  it 
means:  two  men  trying  to  get  the  better  of  it,  and 
the  quarrel  will  be  settled  when  each  man  agrees 
to  take  what  he  knew  he  was  actually  entitled  to 
in  the  first  place. 

6. 

You   must  constantly  be  on   the   defensive; 
politely  but  firmly.     You  have  certain  things 
—  252  — 


SELFISHNESS 


coming  to  you  by  right;  it  is  your  fault  if  you  do 
not  get  them.  Many  are  trying  to  rob  you;  no 
one  is  looking  out  for  your  interests,  if  you  neg 
lect  this  important  duty. 

7. 

Others  will  not  do  much  for  you,  and  they  will 
do  much  against  you  unless  you  watch  out.  The 
capital  I  is  a  good  trade  mark;  hide  it,  except 
when  it  should  be  conspicuous,  but  realize  its  im 
portance. 

8. 

Plenty  of  people  think  selfishness  means  greed. 
If  a  man  lays  up  fuel  for. winter,  that  isn't  greed; 
that  is  selfishness.  Selfishness  means  behaving 
yourself  in  as  many  ways  as  possible.  It  is  a 
selfish  man  who  does  not  wish  to  be  known  as  a 
drunkard,  a  liar,  a  lout,  a  loafer. 


—  253 


XXXI 

ADVERTISING 

1. 

I  have  lately  been  reading  the  advertising  of 
a  soup  manufacturer.  His  vegetables  are  picked 
when  the  morning  dew  is  on  them,  by  young 
maidens  who  have  just  washed  their  hands  and 
put  on  clean  frocks;  great  scientists  and  great 
cooks,  noted  the  world  over,  study  formulas  for 
soups,  and  they  are  tested  by  noted  epicures, 
that  the  people  may  have  something  new,  some 
thing  better,  something  cheaper,  something  de 
licious,  something  that  will  build  up  the  body 
along  proper  lines.  I  bought  a  can  of  the  soup 
for  nine  cents,  and  could  hardly  eat  it.  I  did  get 
it  down,  but  it  was  so  indigestible  that  I  spent  a 
restless  night.  There  are  millions  of  American 
women  who  can  take  a  ten  cent  soup  bone,  a  few 
vegetables,  and  make  better  soup.  The  cook 
whose  subject  I  am  does  it  regularly. 


ADVERTISING 


2. 

You  may  say  you  easily  protect  yourself 
against  extravagant  advertising  of  this  kind. 
But  the  trouble  is,  the  extravagance  of  this  soup 
advertiser  has  found  its  way  into  politics  and 
religion;  and  you  cannot  protect  yourself  from 
either.  Seven  of  ten  references  to  patriotism 
and  religion  are  cast  in  soup  advertising  lan 
guage,  and  while  we  laugh  at  the  extravagant 
language  of  the  soup  advertiser,  we  do  not  dare 
laugh  at  the  extravagant  language  of  the  patriot 
or  the  preacher. 

3. 

I  often  wonder  the  big  advertisers  of  the  coun 
try  do  not  hold  a  convention,  and  discuss  this 
question:  "Have  we  gone  crazy?  Do  we  ad 
vertise  too  much?" 

4. 

Much  advertising  doesn't  pay;  it  is  largely 
parade:  boasting. 


—  255  — 


XXXII 

THE  MISCELLANY  OF  LIFE 

1. 

I  tremble  when  any  one  begins  a  statement  by 
saying:  "Candidly,  I  want  to  say,"  etc.  It 
usually  prefaces  something  disagreeable. 

2. 

I've  been  ashamed  of  myself  many  years  be 
cause  of  neglect  to  accomplish  certain  things. 
But  lately  I  am  feeling  better  about  it:  I  have 
concluded  that  the  tasks  I  didn't  accomplish,  I 
couldn't  accomplish. 

3. 

Always  remember  that  if  you  work  at  a  wrong 
plan,  you  are  neglecting  the  right  plan;  the  plan 
that  would  accomplish  results. 

4. 

I  don't  give  a  curse  for  the  finest  theory  in 
the  world  if  it  won't  work. 

—  256  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

5. 

I  know  men  who  are  carrying  heavy  crosses 
they  might  get  rid  of.  Your  martyrdom  is  often 
an  unnecessary,  foolish  annoyance  to  those  with 
whom  you  are  associated.  That  which  you  re 
gard  as  a  disagreeable  duty,  is  often  not  a  duty 
at  all;  either  you  have  deceived  yqurself,  or  you 
have  been  deceived  by  another;  and  in  neither 
case  did  you  make  much  of  a  struggle  for  com 
mon  sense. 

6. 

I  have  been  fooled  so  often  that  now  I  nearly 
always  look  the  second  time. 

7. 

I  never  go  on  the  street  that  I  do  not  see  un 
fortunates  who  have  tried  the  fire,  and  been 
burned.  I  have  made  many  mistakes,  but  be 
lieve  every  one  was  the  result  of  accepting  my 
own  judgment  in  defiance  of  much  good  advice. 
Every  time  I  have  caught  hell,  it  has  been  the 
result  of  pursuing  it. 

8. 

Every  day  something  inevitably  goes  wrong. 
Fix  it,  and  as  soon  as  possible.  Don't  fret  over 

—  257  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

a  trouble  that  might  be  easily  removed.     Fix 
ing  it  may  cause  a  little  trouble  or  pain;  but  fix  it. 

9. 

The  only  way  to  successfully  remedy  a  wrong 
is  to  successfully  oppose  it.  Indignation  does 
no  good  unless  it  is  backed  with  a  club  of  suffi 
cient  size  to  awe  the  opposition. 

10. 

Frequently  we  speak  of  human  follies  when  we 
mean  human  habits.  A  naturalist,  in  describing 
animals,  speaks  of  their  habits,  and  properly. 
Our  follies  are  natural  habits  that  distinguish 
our  kind  of  animals. 

11. 

There  is  a  certain  weary  look  that  appears  on 
the  faces  of  those  who  are  bored.  Look  out  for 
the  weary  look  when  you  associate  with  people. 

12. 

For  a  hundred  years  or  more,  the  facts  about 

life  insurance  have  been  known,  yet  more  than 

half  the  people  deny  them.     The  members  of  a 

lodge    decide    that    life    insurance    should    be 

—  258  — 


MISCELLANY    OF   LIFE 

cheaper.  Impassioned  speeches  are  made,  and 
enthusiasm  grows  because  another  attempt  is  to 
be  made  to  cripple  the  only  safe  and  honest 
method  of  life  insurance.  A  plan  is  adopted 
that  has  failed  many  times,  and,  in  a  few  years, 
hundreds  of  thousands  of  hard-working  men  lose 
their  money:  every  man  who  denies  the  truth 
not  only  loses  the  time  he  devotes  to  denying  it, 
but  also  the  money  he  invests  in  his  false  doc 
trine. 

13. 

There  are  no  affairs  in  life  worthy  of  the  word 
tremendous.  Nations  are  only  aggregations  of 
men.  The  problems  of  a  million  are  the  prob 
lems  of  a  hundred,  and  the  problems  of  the  hun 
dred  the  problems  of  a  dozen. 

14. 

The  other  planets  are  possibly  inhabited :  there 
is  really  no  reason  why  they  should  not  be.  Did 
the  people  in  some  of  them  get  a  better  start  than 
we  did,  and  have  they  common  sense? 

15. 

We  hear  much  of  the  word  Opportunity,  and 
reverence  it.     There  is  also  opportunity  to  make 
—  259  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

a  fool  of  yourself,  and  it  comes  along  every  few 
minutes,  while  opportunity  to  make  fame  and 
fortune  drags  along  with  leaden  feet;  and  when 
it  arrives,  half  the  time  you  don't  know  it. 

16. 

The  dog  never  tells  us  of  his  habits,  since  he 
can  neither  talk  nor  write,  yet  we  know  his  habits 
thoroughly.  And  we  know  men  and  women  still 
better,  from  more  intimate  association.  But 
how  we  are  all  amazed  when  one  writes  frankly 
of  life!  We  act  as  though  the  habits  disclosed 
would  have  forever  remained  buried  in  mystery 
had  this  fellow  kept  quiet. 

17. 

When  a  doctrine  was  wrong  in  the  first  place, 
liberalism  and  new  thought  are  both  useful  and 
commendable  in  considering  it;  but  when  a  doc 
trine  was  true  in  the  first  place,  it  needs  neither 
new  thought  nor  liberalism. 

18. 

There  are  so  many  shameless  liars  writing 
these  days  that  I  find  satisfaction  in  telling  the 
truth  when   I   can   discover  it.     So   many   are 
—  260  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

rude  that  I  find  a  satisfaction  in  being  polite;  so 
many  are  slow  in  paying  their  debts,  and  making 
collectors  trouble,  that  I  prefer  to  pay  promptly 
and  politely. 

19. 

In  these  days  of  bitter  enemies,  if  you  are  not 
in  the  penitentiary,  it  is  the  best  evidence  you 
dojiot  belong  there. 

20. 

I  sometimes  think  that  while  I  have  very  bad 
luck  in  getting  into  trouble,  I  have  fairly  good 
luck  in  getting  out. 

21. 

We  often  speak  with  scorn  of  plagiarism. 
What  a  palpable  plagiarism  breakfast  is! 
Sleeping  is  another;  dinner  is  another,  and  so  is 
supper. 

22. 

When  we  set  a  trap  for  a  fox,  we  bait  it  with 
something  a  fox  likes. 

23. 

I  have  heard  the  question  asked  thousands  of 
times:     "Is  life  worth  living?"     It  doesn't  make 
—  261  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

any  difference  whether  it  is  or  not;  we  have  it, 
and  must  make  the  best  of  it.  And  so  long  as 
we  do  not  blow  our  brains  out,  we  have  decided 
life  is  worth  living. 

24. 
Many  men  able  to  cheer  are  unable  to  think. 

25. 

If  an  agent  does  not  hope  to  rob  me,  why 
doesn't  he  let  me  alone?  Why  does  he  take  the 
trouble  to  call  on  me? 

26. 

It  seems  to  me  I  know  a  hundred  ways  in 
which  nature  might  be  improved,  but  I  have 
never  been  vain  or  foolish  enough  to  attempt  to 
change  it. 

27. 

A  man  looks  mighty  shiftless  when  sitting  on 
his  front  porch  at  11  o'clock  of  a  week-day  morn 
ing. 

28. 

It  is  a  matter  of  regret  that  many  low,  mean 
suspicions  turn  out  to  be  well  founded. 
—  262  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

29. 

Some  people  say  there  is  nothing  in  luck. 
There  is  everything  in  it.  How  about  Caruso? 
He  didn't  begin  with  a  voice  like  mine  (in  my 
youth,  among  other  bad  habits,  I  was  an  amateur 
singer),  and  by  means  of  persistence  and  hard 
work  develop  into  the  greatest  tenor  the  world 
has  ever  produced.  That  voice  of  his  was  good 
luck.  Some  men  are  natural-born  blatherskites; 
rather  good  fellows,  but  they  talk  too  much, 
frivol  too  much,  are  too  fond  of  practical  jokes, 
and  do  not  hammer  away  with  proper  persistence 
at  their  work.  Other  men  are  born  with  a  dis 
position  to  be  patient,  saving,  sensible  in  a  mod 
est  way,  and  fairly  honest  and  polite.  These 
are  the  real  Lucky  Dogs:  they  have  more  luck 
than  men  who  do  brilliant  stunts,  carry  great 
loads  of  whisky  and  morphine,  and  see  things 
that  aren't  so. 

30. 

Every  'fighter   who   wins   is  something   of   a 

bully,  and  unfair.     We  read  of  the  good  young 

man  who  interferes  when  virtue  is  insulted,  and 

beats  up  the  villain ;  but  that  is  not  the  true  story. 

—  263  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

31. 

The  sexual  instinct  is  certainly  natural,  and 
the  foundation  of  all  life.  It  is  as  respectable  as 
the  desire  for  food,  and  possibly  a  social  scandal 
is  really  no  more  reprehensible  than  a  case  of 
dyspepsia.  We  do  not  eat  our  food  carefully, 
and  only  to  maintain  life:  we  eat  for  pleasure, 
and  like  gluttons.  And  it  may  be  said  to  our 
credit  that  while  we  have  no  laws  to  prevent  dys 
pepsia  and  stomach  troubles,  we  have  a  great 
many  laws  intended  to  punish  those  who  are  not 
careful  and  orderly  in  their  social  relations. 


32. 

There  used  to  be  an  American  rule  that  the 
bigger  the  hotel,  the  colder  the  ice  water;  but 
lately  it  has  been  discovered  that  ice  water  may 
be  uncomfortably  cold. 


33. 

I  try  to  have  no  plans  the  failure  of  which 
will  greatly  annoy  me.     Half  the  unhappiness 
in  the  world  is  due  to  the  failure  of  plans  which 
were  never  reasonable,  and  often  impossible. 
—  264  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

34. 

Real  love  is  better  than  the  love  in  literature; 
I've  tried  both.  We  cannot  permit  love  to  run 
riot;  we  must  build  fences  around  it,  as  we  do 
around  pigs. 

35 

In  Washington,  D.  C.,  the  expert  town  builders 
have  reveled  in  Art  and  public  money.  And 
there  are  dozens  of  cities  more  beautiful;  built 
by  ordinary  people  at  their  own  expense.  In 
every  town  you  will  find  men  who  know  as  much 
as  the  great  experts,  and,  with  much  quarreling, 
they  manage  to  build  and  beautify;  many  with 
such  cleverness  as  to  shame  the  great  experts  who 
have  had  nothing  to  bother  them  when  doing  their 
best. 

36. 

We  have  a  dog  which  greatly  amuses  us. 
When  he's  in,  he  wants  to  go  out:  he  thinks 
maybe  something  is  going  on  outside.  But  there 
rarely  is;  and,  after  looking  around  awhile  with 
great  interest,  as  if  expecting  a  bear  to  appear, 
he  wants  in  again.  I  was  that  way,  at  his  age: 
I  was  always  expecting  some  great  thing  to  hap 
pen,  and  marveled  that  it  did  not.  I  believed 
—  265  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

anything  told  me  those  days,  but  I  am  skeptical 
now,  after  many  years  of  seeking,  and  seldom 
finding. 

37. 

The  least  profitable  profession  in  the  world  is 
that  of  the  thief.  There  never  was  one  who 
made  a  success  at  it.  He  can't  marry  unless  he 
marries  a  prostitute;  he  can't  build  a  home,  be 
cause  he  must  always  be  ready  to  run  away.  He 
cannot  know  the  joys  of  honest  friendship;  he 
cannot  be  elected  county  treasurer,  to  the  legis 
lature,  to  congress,  or  to  the  presidency.  He 
is  a  man  without  a  country;  without  hope  of  suc 
cess;  a  stray  cur  constantly  in  the  presence  of 
thoroughbreds  with  good  homes  and  friends. 

38. 

Every  user  of  city  water  should  be  put  on  a 
meter.  Most  of  those  who  have  a  flat  rate  waste 
water  from  pure  wantonness;  every  man  expects 
too  much  from  the  water  company,  the  electric 
lighting  company,  the  gas  company,  the  railroad 
company,  the  street  railway  company;  the  out 
law  streak  in  him  shows  itself  in  demanding  more 
than  he  is  entitled  to  from  the  public  utilities. 
Put  him  on  a  jury,  and  he  will,  in  seven  cases 
—  266  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

out  of  ten,  give  an  excess  verdict  in  a  suit  for 
damages,  from  a  mere  spirit  of  deviltry;  because 
he  likes  to  mildly  exercise  the  power  of  the  mob 
and  the  outlaw.  Children  waste  water;  it  is  an 
instinct  born  in  them.  The  only  remedy  is  a 
meter.  The  same  thing  is  true  in  everything: 
we  will  waste  in  everything  until  we  realize  the 
expense  of  waste. 

39. 

After  a  young  man  begins  studying  the  Higher 
Branches  in  college,  he  forgets  the  simple,  im 
portant  things  he  learned  in  the  eighth  grade. 

40. 

In  discussing  humanity,  we  cannot  confine  our 
selves  to  the  present,  which  is  a  mere  moment  in 
history:  We  must  consider  the  past  and  the 
future.  What  is  the  mob  howling  about  to-day? 
It  doesn't  make  much  difference:  to-morrow  it 
will  change  its  mind,  having  had  time  to  con 
sider  new  and  better  evidence. 

41. 

When  you  meet  a  stranger,  let  him  do  the  talk 
ing;  and  when  he  goes  away  you  will  know  all 
—  267  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

about  him.     He  will  throw  a  glamor  over  his 
history,  but  you  can  see  through  it. 

42. 

Watch  everybody;  those  who  are  honest  may 
be  careless. 

43. 

When  people  are  doing  well  in  a  financial  way, 
they  might  as  well  express  it  frankly;  thus:  "I 
have  more  to  waste  than  ever  before  in  my  life." 

44. 

You  know  how  unreliable  you  are ;  well,  your 
word  is  probably  as  good  as  anybody's. 

45. 

I  have  never  seen  a  painting  or  statue  that  im 
pressed  me  as  much  as  a  wild  crab  apple  tree  in 
early  bloom.  Nature  is  always  more  interesting 
to  me  than  art  representing  it. 

46. 

Several  years  ago  I  observed  an  unnatural 

growth  on  my  body,  and  worried  about  it.     I 

recalled  a  famous  saying  that  any  unnatural 

growth,  even  if  no  larger  than  a  pea,  should  be 

—  268  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

cut  out.  And  I  dreaded  an  operation;  I  was 
cowardly,  and  feared  the  knife.  But  I  fre 
quently  thought  with  shame  of  those  braver  men 
who  took  things  in  time,  and  went  through  an 
ordeal.  That  growth  has  entirely  disappeared; 
Nature  has  somehow  been  kind  to  a  coward. 
It  often  is;  I  have  often  deserved  punishment  and 
escaped  it,  after  being  thoroughly  scared  and 
chastened. 

47. 

The  longer  I  live,  the  more  I  am  convinced 
that  there  are  plenty  of  reasonably  decent,  agree 
able  and  sensible  people.  So  I  shall  associate 
with  these,  so  far  as  it  is  agreeable  to  them,  and 
let  the  others  go. 

48. 

Getting  enough  to  eat,  and  then  getting  rid  of 
it,  are  two  of  the  great  problems  of  life. 

49. 

It  is  easy  to  be  introduced  to  strangers,  but 
you  must  make  your  own  good  impression;  that 
is  a  matter  no  one  can  attend  to  for  you. 

50. 

Let  any  one  provide  a  whip,  and  he  will  use  it. 
—  269  — 


VENTURES    IN    COMMON    SENSE 

51. 

An  English  woman  once  told  me  that  English 
men  treat  their  women  as  contemptuously  as  they 
treat  Americans. 

52. 

Pessimism  is  always  nearer  the  truth  than  op 
timism. 

53. 

We  all  talk  of  the  influence  of  a  good  mother 
on  the  life  of  her  son;  but  a  good  father  is  of 
equal  or  greater  importance.  A  father  knows 
more  of  the  real  problems  that  will  confront  his 
son;  some  of  the  lessons  instilled  into  a  boy's 
mind  by  his  mother  are  too  sentimental,  and  he 
finds  it  necessary  to  unlearn  them. 

54. 

I  don't  care  for  gossip;  I  rejoice  that  thousands 
of  indiscreet  persons  escape  without  my  hearing 
of  their  indiscretions;  providing  they  have  been 
sufficiently  scared  to  make  them  more  careful 
and  worthy  in  future. 

55. 

The  long  and  short  of  it  is,  whoever  catches 
the  fool  first  is  entitled  to  shear  him. 
—  270  — 


MISCELLANY   OF   LIFE 

56. 

When  I  meet  a  particularly  polite,  modest, 
worthy,  capable  man,  my  own  imperfections 
overwhelm  me,  and  I  resolve  to  do  better.  You 
are  that  way ;  most  people  are. 

57. 

You  never  knew  a  devil  who  didn't  advise 
people  to  keep  out  of  hell. 

58. 

The  ideal  man  never  existed,  though  he  is  still 
a  specter  around  schoolhouses,  and  in  the  minds 
of  women.  A  man  who  really  does  pretty  well 
should  not  be  criticized  because  he  does  not  com 
pare  favorably  with  the  hero  of  a  poem. 

59. 

Every  man,  in  speaking  of  himself  and  his 
wares,  exaggerates  up;  in  speaking  of  "his  rivals, 
he  exaggerates  down.  The  result  is  falsehood. 

60. 

All  men  are  said  to  adore  actresses,  wine, 
cards  and  race  horses.     There  are  millions  of 
worthy  men   in  this  country  who  have  never 
—  271  — 


VENTURES  IN  COMMON  SENSE 

tasted  champagne  or  spoken  to  an  actress.  I 
have  always  admired  the  men,  because  most  of 
them  are  a  hundred  times  better  than  their  repu 
tations.  Men  untruthfully  abuse  each  other,  in 
their  fierce  fights  in  making  a  living,  and  women 
accept  this  abuse  as  truth.  When  I  get  to  heaven, 
I  intend  to  stop  the  music  a  moment,  and  point 
ing  to  the  enormous  bass  section  in  the  choir,  I 
shall  say  triumphantly  to  the  sopranos  and  altos: 
"I  told  you  so!  Sing  louder;  your  voices  are 
drowned  by  the  basses." 

61. 

When  a  real  estate  or  oil  stock  agent  appears, 
the  average  man  will  promptly  discount  the 
boomer's  statements  as  much  as  they  deserve; 
but  let  a  political  or  religious  boomer  appear, 
and  the  average  man  will  accept  his  statements: 
at  least,  if  he  knows  better,  he  is  timid  about  dis 
puting  them.  It  is  important  that  we  know  the 
truth  in  religion  and  politics;  a  mistake  in  either 
may  lead  to  greater  disaster  than  a  bad  invest 
ment  in  real  estate  or  oil  stocks. 

62. 

History  tells  of  a  man  who  amounted  to  a  good 

—  272  — 


MISCELLANY    OF    LIFE 

deal  in  spite  of  a  shrew  wife,  but  much  ancient 
lore  is  recorded  because  it  is  startling  rather 
than  true ;  I  don't  believe  the  statement  that  there 
was  once  a  man  who  was  half  horse,  either. 

63. 

One  of  the  commonest  things  in  life  is  for  a 
man  to  tangle  himself  up  in  unnecessary  diffi 
culties,  and  then  lay  the  blame  on  others. 

64. 

I'm  very  tired  of  Mr.  Greatheart,  who,  in  his 
ambition  to  help  everybody,  helps  nobody.  Mr. 
Greatheart  does  not  discharge  his  duty  to  hu 
manity;  the  man  who  modestly  does  a  little  good 
is  a  better  citizen. 

65. 

The  greatest  humiliation  in  life,  is  to  work 
hard  on  something  from  which  you  expect  great 
appreciation,  and  then  fail  to  get  it. 


THE    END 


—  273  — 


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